As arguably America's cultural capital (or so we'd like to think, anyhow, what with bands like Haunted Pussy running around), New York should take a lot of pride in the talented artists visiting our music scene. Last week, the family-friendly SummerStage series at Central Park, hosted the popular Candian band Broken Social Scene. When BSS's Dave Newfeld and a friend hit Lexington Park to stock up on their necessary pre-show weed (dude, you can't have an arts scene and expect sobriety), Newfeld experienced firsthand NYPD's legendary devotion to public safety:

Today in completely unconfirmed hearsay that makes us all jittery with joy, news of Mariah Carey's inconvenient cooter:

• Backstage at this weekend's Live 8 concert, Madonna poured a gallon of haterade on Mariah Carey while Kimberly Stewart called Sting an asshole. See? We knew the event couldn't possibly have been boring as it seemed. [Page Six]
• And, when Madonna wasn't busy throwing red string at Mariah, she was spotted chatting up Paul McCartney about participating in her new album. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
• Demi Moore is most certainly not carrying Ashton Kutcher's baby. She just looks five or six months pregnant. [Page Six]
• You have to admire a Manhattan physician so desperate to make her name that she issues a press release claiming Britney Spears should take it easy. [Lowdown]

• We've failed you yet again: Mariah Carey performed for last night's fireworks with a six pack that looks as if it was painted on by her makeup artist — and we've no idea what it all means. [cityrag]
• Top-notch socialite Nan Kempner passed away on Sunday; she was 74 and had been suffering from emphysema. Now the upper crust is left in the hands of Paris Hilton. [Vogue UK]
• Playboy is looking for an "experienced writer/editor." We've no idea what sort of experience they're looking for, but we're betting it's not what you're thinking. Now go wash your hands. [mediabistro]
• Would you like fries with your bling? McDonald's is in talks with Puff Daddy and Tommy Hilfiger about redesigning their employee uniforms. [AdAge]

Our penniless little brother sends us word from his cage in Vegas that he has, yet again, tried his hands at what he likes to call "cultural oddsmaking." Recruiting some jackanapes from Yankee Pot Roast, Oddjack tackles the odds on anything and everything regarding this weekend's Live 8 concerts:

You thought Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown had a difficult relationship? Oh no, it turns out, not at all. In fact, they're about as close as two people can be, as we learn from the back-page Q&A in this week's Time Out:

· After reportedly gobbling up Lindsay Lohan's leftovers with Wilmer Valderrama, "singer" Ashlee Simpson is licking face with Butter co-owner Scott Sartiano — presumably, her tongue will remove any traces of Scott Sartiano's ex, Ashley Olsen. [Page Six]
· Hip-hop mogul P. Diddy loses in court after a judge rules that he must pay $250K a year in child support, which is the highest amount in the history of New York. Cue tearful interviews about his son being used as a scam. [NYDN]
· Mary-Kate uses alcohol to induce vomiting, which is technically an improvement. [Gatecrasher]
· Apparently the readers of Child magazine don't think Britney Spear's husband Kevin Federline will be a good father. Poor Federletus. [Scoop (last item)]
· Photographer Dave LaChappelle expresses his fondness for krumping, Amanda Lepore, and Pam Anderson, but not Page Six wizard Richard Johnson. [R&M]

Was it just us or, during Bloc Party's show last night at Webster Hall, did the band proudly give a shout-out to "Mayor Rudy Giuliani?" Granted our auditory abilities were likely impaired by the pools of sweat gently gathering in our ears, but we're still pretty sure we heard what we heard. Which leads us to the more pressing issue: Why didn't anyone in the audience drunkenly react? Not a single murmur, nary a head turned to a neighbor to exchange knowing glances. Alas, one can't expect much from an audience full of retarded NYU kids.

Congratulations to Hasidic reggae superstar Matisyahu, probably the only rapper who respects the Sabbath (even if it's the wrong one), who's next album will be released by Epic Records And he's guesting on the new P.O.D. album(!) — Jews haven't been this hot since the reign of King Nebuchadnezzar (oh, I kill me). Matisyahu's last album made it to #2 on the Billboard Reggae charts, but he does control the media, so no surprises there. -AP

Kylie Minogue is diagnosed with breast cancer and — just in time to fill her karmic absence and thus complete the circle of life — THE SPICE GIRLS REUNITE. (Just like the video for "Lightning Crashes!) Even Ginger Spice Geri Halliwell has signed on for their reunion tour, agreeing to eat just enough so that Posh Spice Victoria Beckham remains "the skinny one." While the girls aren't developing any new material (they'll make enough off of rehashing their old stuff to pay off those nasty credit cards), a "best of" album is in the works, meaning that a whole new generation of young girls will learn the joys of zig-a-zag-ah. Is it just me, or is the sun suddenly shining a bit more brightly?

Sweet Jesus holy Mary mother of whatever Yahweh almighty. Australian pop goddess-cum-gay icon Kylie Minogue has been diagnosed with breast cancer. And don't you DARE question the relevance of this item: Kylie's illness is the biggest blow to the gay community since, well, you know.

We asked you to send us your best captions for the totally hetero picture below. We had so many great responses — it was almost impossible to choose! — if it were up to us, you would all get free tickets. But it ain't. So the winner of two tickets to Louis XIV at Bowery Ballroom tomorrow night is...(snare drum!)....

We re getting in touch with our inner morning radio DJ and giving away two free tickets to see the band, Louis XIV, (no relation to scary-looking new pope, Benedict XVI) at Bowery Ballroom tomorrow night. Since we like to make you work for it, and you can undoubtedly top the craptions we usually come up with, we re turning this one over to the people. Try to beat the caption below (photo from John Cameron Mitchell's birthday party last night) and we'll post the best entries. Winner gets fame, glory, and the chance to chunk shit at over-mascara d portly glam rockers. —NH

Local band The Bravery — whose recent rise in label-sponsored popularity has the New York indie purists (if such people still exist) crying foul — demonstrated the fine art of hipster belligerence during a weekend stint in Boston. Our beantown operative reports that after finishing their set elsewhere, the Bravery showed up at The Information's performance with an unreasonably large entourage. When the doorman said the show was sold out, the bass player reportedly charged in and began shouting, "We're in the Bravery! You have to let us in!" Of course. A fine argument.

Today's Artforum diary is a virtual Gawker Stalker onto itself. Where could you see Wilco's Jeff Tweedy, David Byrne, Rolling Stone's David Fricke, and DJ Spooky tha Subliminal Kid all in one place?

We can barely keep up with the kids these days, so it comes as no surprise that we've missed the boat on the burgeoning underground electroclash scene. The Guardian, always two steps ahead, discovers the Williamsburg movement and pronounces it cool because moustached men prance about in little more than underpants. If that sort of thing isn't hot, we don't know what is.

Ever wonder how i-bankers chillax? They've got high pressure jobs, bro, and need to cut loose more than anyone. No diggity.

From MTV News' report on Weezer's "Beverly Hills" video shoot at the Playboy Mansion:

Pssst. Hey, can you keep a secret? Shhhhhh... You gotta keep this under your hat, okay? You didn't hear it from us, but the new issue of Rolling Stone reports on a totally cool, totally exclusive club: The children of rock stars. This is like a thousand times more exclusive than Soho House and fifty-bazillion-trillion times more secretive than Skull & Bones.

· Don't you worry about Whitney Houston, she's in a safe place now: rehab. Oh come on, like you're even raising an eyebrow. [Gatecrasher]
· Martha Stewart is reportedly undergoing hypnosis; ever since her release from prison, she's had nightmares about violent box-chowing and unclean linens. [Scoop]
· At this point, William Morris Agency prez Dave Wirtschafter is wishing the New Yorker never existed. And if he says otherwise, he's lying. That's what agents do, y'know. [Page Six]
· Roger Freidman goes to the theater, MJ's former assistant turns to a life of crime. Coincidence? [Fox411]
· A moment of silence for all the pretty fashion girls: after Helmut Lang's departure from the Prada group, the label's Manhattan offices have finally closed. The fate of the Soho store remains shaky. [Page Six]