Loyal substance-abuser Courtney Love's roost at 30 Crosby Street may be listed with Corcoran (of course!), but the 4,200-square-foot loft is facing foreclosure from The Man. Apparently our beloved lady in belligerence, who was clearly too busy making her own moonshine, has failed to make two $30,000 mortgage payments for July and August, and the Mercury Capital Group has filed suit. Love has borrowed a wee $3 million from the mortgage company, which would explain why she'd expect anyone to pay $5.5 million for a property that likely has syringes embedded in the floorboards.

• After hearing that her younger sister Jamie Lynn was having a 13-year-old appropriate tiff with a co-star on the set of Nickelodeon's Zoey 101, Britney Spears stormed the set to defend her sibling and kick some preteen ass. Hell hath no fury like pregnant trailer trash. [Page Six]
• Hurricane Katrina sours VMA festivities, delays Lindsay Lohan's pre-show scene arrival, and forces Mariah Carey to drink until 3 AM. [Gatecrasher]
• Or perhaps it was Eddie Murphy forcing Mariah Carey to stay out so late. [R&M]
• The boring socialites behind Washington Life magazine are none too happy about Gotham mag publisher Jason Binn's efforts to launch his glossy Capitol File. [Lowdown]
• Naomi Campbell leaves no continent untouched by her scorn, now taking her rage to Brazil. [Scoop]
• OK! magazine kinda sucks. But you knew that, just like you knew that baby puppies are cute but a fucking mess. [Page Six]

As we earlier bitched, our Thursday flight down to Miami for MTV's Video Music Awards was cancelled due to some biblical thunderstorm and the resulting shortage of in-flight alcohol. So we rescheduled our travel plans for Friday, determined to smell the Hennessey on Luda's breath. Just hours prior to the new departure time, however, we received word that flight number two had been cancelled and all remaining flights on Friday were booked. Our dream of playing poolside ping-pong with Kelly Clarkson was dying.

Hey, how about the weather? No, seriously: We were supposed to be working from Miami by yesterday afternoon, but that ridunculous hurricane working its way across southern Florida has resulted in our flights being cancelled two days in a row. We suppose the change in VMA travel plans is slightly less inconveniencing than, say, being killed, but we were so excited to skank about South Beach and rub our flesh against Diddy's porcelain threads. Alas, our budget airline of choice has inexplicably cancelled all of its NYC flights to Miami, despite the fact that most flights from other cities to the area are still running. Clearly, the city of Miami doesn't want any more New Yorkers around. Since every publicist and her tiny dog is in town, we suppose the sentiment is rather understandable.

Radar outlines the disturbingly exorbitant gift bags given to the worthy folks at June's MTV Movie Awards, which are only slightly more disgusting that the gift bags to be cradled in the arms of luminaries at this weekend's Video Music Awards. But what about the common folk, those media and business hangers-on? If they can get into Ocean Drive's luxury suite at the Ritz, where "gifting" reigns supreme, they'll do pretty well for themselves. Freebies, we hear, include:

Can we talk, just for a moment, about MTV's Video Music Awards? Okay, good, 'cause the damn things aren't even until Sunday night and yet, every day, all day, we're being bombarded with preparations for what can only be described as a swag-and-substance-fueled 3-day weekend in Miami. It's actually amazing: Anyone willing to feign just the slightest interest in publicists or "reporting" is eagerly making their way down to Miami. A giant pasty blob of Manhattanites have rented a VW bus (fueled exclusively by refuse from the September fashion mags) to head on down for a weekend of media-justified fun. Ourselves included.

• The MTA hooks military hardware wizards Lockheed Martin for a three-year, $212 million contract to pull a subway security and communications system out of its cauldron. Interestingly enough, the system would allow for cellphone usage in underground stations. Awesome, just another damn place people can hunt you down. [NYT]
• R. Kelly joins the lineup at the MTV Video Music Awards, leaving us all excited for a 6-hour performance of In the Closet. Perhaps a few lucky souls in the audience will get even get peed on. [AP]
• We doubt Radar actually ponied up cash for information regarding Tom Cruise, so you've got to wonder what's up with their budget sticker advertising scheme. [Adrants]
• Just when we were floating along our Martha Stewart love train, word comes that she'll be letting her daughter Alexis in on the Apprentice act. Reality television nepotism is so gauche, really. [Zap2it]

• Courtney Love admits that she's on drugs. Really?! You don't say. A judge has now sentenced her to long-term inpatient rehab, which means Comedy Central roasts will return to their typical suckiness. [Reuters]
• Already vote for Gawker Hotties but still itching to make your opinion count? Take on Bruni vs. William Grimes. [Amateur Gourmet]
• It's the moment you've been waiting for: Starting Monday, the San Fran Chronicle will run Sean Penn's thespiatic dispatches from his time in Iran. Goody. [E&P]
• Desperate Housewife Marcia Cross is so not a lesbian that she's even getting married to a man. [CNN]
• Meanwhile, former pin-up turned bad sitcom possibility Jenny McCarthy is getting divorced. Playboy reunion spread TK. [Us Weekly]
• Feast upon the full line-up for this year's New Yorker Festival, Indie Rock edition. Save your pennies now, tix go on sale August 25. [ProductshopNYC]
• Or don't buy tickets at all out of protest; far be it from you to support this week's Target-sponsored New Yorker abortion. [ChiST]

These guys are on a road trip to funkytown. They were detained at the border.

• Does Mariah Carey insist on being a size 6 at all costs? One bloggy type notes that for a recent fashion shoot, a magazine staff had to replace all the size 12 labels in items before presenting the outfits to her highness. [Andrea Harner]
• In an article about gay men, we find the following lede to be particularly poignant: "The conversation over tossed salad, dinner rolls and iced tea was about dating." Oh, we bet it was. [NYT]
• Now that Diddy has dropped the "P" to his name, will other celebrities follow suit? Aris suits Ms. Hilton rather nicely, we think. [Radar]
• Moby blogs about the murder in front of his Teany cafe; maintains innocence. [Moby]
• Did you know there was a strike still going on regarding the projectionists at the IFC Center? Neither did we, but apparently it's over. [Reeler]
• "Men's Vogue is designed to be bought by the wives of the men targeted by Men's Vogue." [Bitchless Blog]
• We've been to more media parties of this ilk than we'd care to count. [Gaping Void]

• The West 71st Street neighbors of the Today show's Ann Curry are complaining that careless construction and renovations to her townhouse are endangering and inconveniencing the entire block. Good to know that Curry's just as annoying off-camera, too. [Page Six]
• Gwen Stefani refuses to attend MTV's Video Music Awards in Miami, reportedly because the network didn't ask her to perform. Now we'll never get to see Gwen wear her special drum-majorette-styled, japanese jock-strapped lederhosen. [R&M]
• Are Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake having trouble in paradise? And are they too beautiful, yet tragically stupid, to work it out? [Scoop]
• Despite yesterday's reports to the contrary, Sylvester Stallone insists that his AMI magazine Sly is not on its deathbed. In fact, says Stallone, Gwen Stefani wants to do the next cover (now that she's not too busy with MTV), and he's nothing like Rosie O'Donnell, and the sales are just fine, and he's not being defensive, okay?! [Page Six]

Who knew so many of you had thoughts on Lori Majewski's move from Us Weekly to Teen People? Most of those thoughts, alas, are unprintable, given that we're a family website. (Jude Law's cock? No problem. Softball-playing stoners? Sure thing. But some of these horror stories? We have to draw the line.)

With utter disregard for real news or succinct headlines.

Not to be outdone by P. Diddy's announcement that he is, from now on, simply "Diddy," Madonna has once again reinvented herself. As a victim.

• New York mag reports that Paris Hilton, feeling that her teacup chihuahua Tinkerbell had gotten too big to fit in a Fendi clutch, has reportedly traded in the dog for a smaller one named Bambi. You may think this is cruel, but honestly this move probably saved Tinkerbell's life. [NYM & Gatecrasher]
• The latest hotspot is jailed Times' reporter Judith Miller's cell in Alexandria, VA. With only 30 minutes of visitor time a day, Miller's A-List guests have included Tom Brokaw, Arthur O. Sulzberger, and Bill Keller. Michael Wolff is still waiting for confirmationt that he can have his usual table before agreeing to visit. [Page Six]
• Former Condé Nast wrangler Steve Florio's book was reportedly nixed by the court of Si Newhouse, he claims the days of "people taking the Concorde to see their kids' Little League games" are over. Pity. [R&M (3rd item)]
• American Idol Kelly Clarkson is getting the Ashlee Simpson treatment: She's accused of heavily relying on background vocals for her live performances. America feigns shock. [Scoop]
• Scarlett Johansson strikes back at the producers of The Island after they blamed her lack of star power for the film's failure at the box office. Sadly, none of this bitching makes us any more inclined to see the flick. [Page Six]

We were so proud of her. But Courtney Love has come full circle, folks, and we cannot continue to ignore her very public fall from "grace:"

Today's Times introduces us to Kevin Cahoon, a Broadway actor who also moonlights as a downtown rocker fronting the band Ghetto Cowboy:

Poor 50 Cent. After the rapper's show last night at Madison Square Garden (which capped off a fun-filled day of book signing), members of his posse, G-Unit, were pulled over at 41st Street and Eighth Avenue for running a red light. Sticking true to the stereotypes, the cops found more than traffic violations:

Oh, we get it. You think you're sooo much better than Fergie, the singer for the Black Eyed Peas. Like you've never gotten so drunk you pissed yourself? Well, that's not what your sheets said.

Anything good — hell with good; anything successful — must be copied ad nauseum, and so today's Post brings news that Rolling Stone frontman Jann Wenner will become the latest mogul to rip off Donald Trump's The Apprentice. Janny-boy is in talks with MTV Networks to create the show, in which he'll star, reports Krazy Keith Kelly.