Over on CNN.com, a writer for the Associated Press takes a long, hard look at Slipknot, "the angry band with the scary masks." (Hey, that's their headline, not ours.) Apparently Slipknot—whose members wear fright masks and numbered jumpsuits—isn't gimicky. They're serious. Crazy serious:

· Danielle Scott, a woman whose sole dream is to see her name in boldface, claims she was punched in the face by "Whatever" boy Fabian Basabe after a drink-spilling scuffle at Marquee. Fabian issues his standard denials and we're inclined to believe him — he seems more like a hair-puller than a puncher. [Page Six]
· Macaulay Culkin and Hank Azaria are both still alive and quite possibly enjoying the art of illegal gambling. [Lowdown]
· Guns n' Roses guitarist Slash has lost his signature top hat to the hands of a thief. First Paris, now this — when will we learn to treat our D-listers with respect? [Page Six]
· Lyle Lovett got a tour of the Federal Air Marshal training facility, so everyone should feel really, really safe. [R&M]

"Like, ohmigod, it's that dude who's sometimes fucking Ashlee Simpson!"

· Hip-hop groupie/whore Karinne Steffans finally gets what she wants: a "lucrative" deal to write a juicy book detailing her exploits with big name rappers. She claims, of course, that she got a lot of self-respect out of the deal. [Page Six]
· Yellow Fever designer Jamison Ernest loses models for his show when an agency learns that that the girls will be participating in an art film involving bananas. And Vincent Gallo. You fill in the rest. [Gatecrasher (3rd item)]
· When talking about the legacy of late Wu-Tang rapper ODB, Rush & Molloy earnestly use the phrase "baby mama." And just now, the universe shat itself. [R&M]
· Britney Spears thinks her dog is better than Paris Hiltons' dog. This is the sort of catfight one comes to expect from two girls who aren't really doing too much with their lives. [Scoop]
· Katie Holmes, the actress who may never shake Dawson's Creek, is renting in the West Village. Coincidentally, Monica Lewinsky, the woman who may never shake that blowing-the-president thing, is in the same building. [ELK]
· P. Diddy keeps Foxy Brown waiting after the Zac Posen show, but no one gets hurt. [Lowdown (2nd item)]

The Times 'Arts, Briefly' reports that Larry Mullen of U2 is apologizing to fans over a ticketing snafu:

That Take Back The Music campaign is really hitting home.
R&B Singer Houston Gouges Eye Out After Apparent Suicide Attempt [VH1]

How interesting: this poll, found on the website for Essence magazine's Take Back The Music campaign, directly contradicts the campaign itself.
Take Back The Music [Essence]

· ...'Cause a Snoop Dogg party might get you raped. Proving he's got more street cred than you could dream of, rapper Snoop Dogg has been hit with a $25 million lawsuit by a makeup artist who claims she was drugged and gang-raped by Snoop and friends. [NYDN]
· After Lotus co-owner Jeffrey Jah tattled to a Brazilian magazine about the bad behavior of certain celebrity clients, his business partners are considering forcing out Jah. Which is a good idea, of course, because this man is clearly an idiot. And we'd be remiss if we didn't mention that Australian party boy Ben Widdicombe broke this over the weekend, but what's Page Six without a little rehash here and there? [Page Six]
· Lara Flynn Boyle gave a rousing performance on a recent British Airways flight, flashing her breasts to the crew and trying to crawl into bed with a complete stranger. [Scoop]
· Actors Orlando Bloom and Kate Bosworth have ended their 2-year romance. We're sure Angelina Jolie had a hand in this. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Wrestler-cum-action hero The Rock tells Playboy, "I loved 'Spider-Man,' but I'm not too sure Tobey Maguire could kick a lot of people's asses." Maybe not, but his girlfriend's dad certainly could. [Page Six]
· Kwame Jackson, the 2nd place finisher on the first season of The Apprentice, was not invited to Trump's Mar-a-Lago nuptials. Apparently, runners-up are still losers. [Lowdown (last item)]

Do they give Oscars for videos of women getting bikini waxes?

Dumb motherfuckers.

When Page Six reported that Drew Barrymore, actress/arm candy of Strokes drummer Fabrizio Moretti, was spotted with a friend at Fifth Avenue's Bridal Suite of Manhattan, prepubescent Strokes-watchers were all atwitter. Sure, Barrymore said she was there to help her friend, but that's not going to stop the buzz that Barrymore and Moretti could be looking for some matrimonial indie-bliss. What the paper didn't report, however, was the name of Barrymore's friend, who, as documented by these reader-supplied images, is none other than Juliet Joslin. Yes, that Juliet Joslin, the very lady who happens to be genuinely engaged to lead Stroke Julian Casablancas. While breakup rumors for The Julianet seem to flow as constantly as the grease from Casablancas' locks, we've also been hearing numerous reports (read: more than three) that pair might be headed down the aisle in February. Which would make these pictures very interesting, don't you think?

We don't particularly object to Spin; we actually like the magazine, in the same way we genuinely like having our kneecaps caned by the door guy at the Dark Room. It's annoying, but we always come back for more. So we won't even address the irony of the Killers on the cover of the "next big thing issue" (a year late, a Fox drama short), because there's surely someone in North Dakota who has yet to discover these guys.

We'll just let Goldenfiddle comment on the state of a newly-sober Courtney Love:
"SWEET JESUS!! SOMEBODY GET THIS WOMAN SOME DRUGS!!! SHE NEEDS THE DRUGS!!!!! COURTNEY?! CAN YOU HEAR US?"
Let's Hear It For The Modern Skirts [Goldenfiddle]

The Guardian is reporting that The Heavenly States, a California indie rock band, will be the first American music act to play in the newly opened (though still charmingly roguish) nation of Libya.

The bard was right when he said, "Fame, ain't it a bitch."

[Jennifer] Lopez has never toured and rarely performs live. There are no details on the tour just yet, according to Lopez's label rep, but the singer said she envisions the outing as "just me doing my thing."

After some SNL lip-syncing and a notoriously bad Orange Bowl performance, Ren e Graham at the Boston Globe blesses us all with a lengthy analysis of the "alarmingly untalented" Ashlee Simpson and her remarkably creepy father, Joe Simpson. A sampling:

If you can handle it, take another listen to Ashlee Simpson's disastrous Orange Bowl performance.

If only we watched sports, we'd have seen it live: our favorite fabricated "talent," Miss Ashlee Simpson, graced the stage at the Orange Bowl's halftime performance and didn't lipsync her way through the performance. How can we be sure? Because she sounded like some sort of dying, prehistoric beast. The crowd agreed, apparently, as the poor little thing was unceremoniously booed at the end of her performance. The video is available for your personal auditory assault here, but be warned—acid reflux has no mercy on Ashlee's pipes.

1. Alas and alack the Tinkle pre-New Year's Eve Show at Piano's hosted by David Cross, Todd Barry and Jon Benjamin with guests Paul F. Thompson, Fred Armison and Eugene Mirman is sold out. But! You can still catch the show, free of charge, upstairs on a big screen TV. And maybe, if you're lucky, you can touch David Cross's sleeve on your way out. [Tinkle.info]
2. Holidays have you feeling a bit atonal? Then catch "drone music" pioneer Birchville Cat Motel perform with Sonic Youth-er Lee Ranaldo at Tonic. [Tonic NYC]
3. Onetime funk-sideliner Maceo Parker takes the funk center stage tonight at Irving Plaza. [Irving Plaza]
4. Rest up for tomorrow. [at Home via Common Sense]