We're not saying Nicole Richie fell off the wagon. No, we'd never make that sort of insinuation. But if she did ditch the sober life, we suppose she'd get her fix from a random dude in an empty parking lot. Not that anything like that is going on in these pictures. She's just a fan of Porsches parked in desolate locations, we swear. Or maybe this guy is just feeding her, like a baby bird. She does look kind of hungry.

Today's court-ordered Michael Jackson post comes via Panopticist's Andrew Hearst, who posts an EBN-esque video of Michael Jackson's 1993 public statement about being interrogated and photographed nude by police. It really must be seen to be believed.

· There is justice in this world: Jay Leno will be allowed to make jokes about Michael Jackson, and The Tonight Show will remain practically unwatchable. [AP]
· Now that reigning chessmaster Kasparov has retired from the game, the stage is clear for supermodel Carmen Kass' rise to power. [AP]
· Charting the silicone as it slides down Steven Tyler's face. [Awful Plastic Surgery]
· A PETA protest manages to make eating at J.Lo's Pasadena restaurant Madre's even worse. [IMDb]
· Four days late, and it's still more useful than fucking Absolute. [Banterist]

Yeah, yeah. Arrest warrant. Michael Jackson. Link. Running late. Hospital. Court. Penis. Whatever. All we care about is the animated siren on Drudge.

Now that Martha Stewart has emerged from her five-month sabbatical at Alderson Federal Prison Camp looking refreshed and svelte, the spa-going crew is wondering if Martha might be on to something:

· Footwear (we're loathe to call them "shoes") designer Steve Madden is set to be released early from prison, where he's been serving for stock fraud and money laundering. Somehow, we doubt his release will merit the same sort of 24-hour coverage as that of Ms. Stewart. [Page Six]
· Speaking of Stewart coverage: Oh my God! Martha's post-prison plane landing of 2:08 AM violated the Westchester County runway hours! Gasp! [R&M]
· Celebrity skeleton report: Alexandra Von Furstenburg joins Mary-Kate Olsen and Allegra Beck in the anorexia club; Drew Barrymore continues to shrink. [Page Six]
· Feuding rappers The Game and 50 Cent might just patch things up, thanks to the Boys Choir of Harlem. Singing children can touch the hearts of even the most hardened men, no? [Lowdown]
· Marc Anthony has painted a nude portrait of his wife, Jennifer Lopez. We're sorry; we know you never really wanted to know that. [Scoop (2nd item)]

We just don't get it. This Saturday, Backstreet Boy Nick Carter was arrested in Huntington Beach, California, on drunk driving charges (it's the family way). We understand why he was drunk — you'd probably drowning yourself in moonshine, too, if you dated Paris Hilton and only had an abusive reputation to show for it. What leaves us concerned and ultimately befuddled is why, God, why would Nick Carter endanger himself and the hearts of all seven of his fans? The Backstreet Boys are touring later this month, and we just can't imagine how Carter would be so reckless as to risk the hundreds of dollars of revenue he stands to make. Something must be done before this gets out of control... Ooooh, can we put him on A&E's Intervention? We'd love to see little brother Aaron read aloud some heartfelt letter about his pain. It'd make their pop music so real, y'know?

Just now on CNN, Martha Stewart gave a speech to her employees about how lovely it is to have the whip returned to her nicely moisturized hand. She's learned a lot and is blathering in measured tones (almost as if she were doing an impression of Ana Gasteyer doing an impression of Stewart) about preserving values — this probably has something to do with prisoners' right to bake fig pies or something. Meanwhile, the cameraman attempts a desperate zoom on the ankles of Martha Stewart. The CNN commentator notes:

Dear Fred Durst,

Hey, Martha. How are you? We know you're probably very busy catching up with family, friends, and business associates now that you're out of prison, but we just wanted to say hi. We also wanted to help you reintegrate into life on the outside by catching you up on what's happened since you've been away.

The poor thing is so battered, she can barely dress herself. A poncho? Tragic.

For as long as you can remember (er, the past six months), domestic dominatrix Martha Stewart has been locked away, unable to bake you rarefied scones and make your bed with those extra-tight hospital corners that you so desire. But tomorrow is her release (and yours, pervs) and media analysts are all atwitter with the possibilities for her brand new, post-incarceration image. Will she wear white? Or maybe a St. John s knit? Will she walk slowly? Carry a big stick? Carry a Birkin?

Today's top stories from the Neverland freakfest: Jackson angry! Santa Maria locals profit! Jay Leno is thinking! And, most importantly:

We tend to shy away from child molesters, but now that the Michael Jackson trial is underway, we can no longer ignore the media circus and all of the multi-faceted stories oozing forth. Today s top news:

Call me crazy, but I can genuinely relate to Antoinette Millard, the cracky woman who s currently in a legal tangle with American Express. The credit card company is suing Millard for the unpaid $1 million she racked up on her Centurion card; Millard is countersuing American Express for inducing her into signing up for said card and then having the nerve to request that she pay for all of her exorbitant charges. Millard claims that she was mentally unstable because of 9-11, and her condition resulted in a seven-figure shopping spree for which she cannot be held responsible.

· Because prison food lacks that bourgeoisie charm, Martha Stewart has hired Le Cirque chef Pierre Schaedelin to usher her back into the real world of proper dining. Once Stewart is released from her sparkling cell and put on house arrest, Schaedelin will assume the responsibility of preparing all of her perfectperfectperfect meals. [Page Six]
· As J-Lo is discovering, being a singer is tough when everyone wants the same pre-fabricated songs. [Fox411]
· Joan Rivers fights back: when E! executive Jeff Shore said his channel's red carpet coverage was kicking Rivers' ass (which currently resides on the TV Guide network), Rivers responded with a handful of Nielsen numbers and three additional face-lifts. [R&M (3rd item)]
· After a marriage full of stabbings, Christian Slater and Ryan Haddon are finally filing for divorce. Haddon once caught Slater having has back shaved by topless strippers — oddly enough, it took her 2 years after the fact to call it quits. [Page Six]
· Jerome Corsi, the author of the anti-Kerry tome Unfit For Command gets a smackdown from, um, a bunch of democratic assistants. Sigh. C'mon, guys. [Lowdown]
· Eva Mendes: the perfect choice for when you don't know whether to cast a black or white woman opposite Will Smith. [Scoop]

Mid-Mesozoic period gossip columnist Cindy Adams ignores the biggest hacking story to hit gossip journalism since the Black Dahlia to sit down for a chat with New York's favorite disgraced former Police Commissioner (and almost sorta Bush appointee), Bernard Kerik.

Doctors will be treating him with kid gloves—seriously, he requested it.

We never thought we'd say this, but we're sort of pissed that we're not on the Michael Jackson jury.

Or, "Something Old..."