Whether you're doing it to promote an album, a religion, or your sad, desperate struggle with heterosexuality, going through the motions of a transparently false romantic relationship is a quick and easy way to get a little ink. Here's a few of our recent favorites:

Hopefully, we're the first and last to use that headline pun. Especially because I'm not buying this for a second.

· Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have brought their remarkably sexual love to New York in order to promote their sextastic new film, Mr. and Mrs. Smith. The sensual duo are not conducting interviews together, however, and are staying in separate, un-sexy hotels. [R&M]
· Everyone's favorite unimonikered lovebirds, Paris and Paris, probably won't be bathing in Kabbalah water before their nuptials. [Scoop]
· After Howard Stern complains on-air about FHM editor-at-larges Jake Bronstein's slightly-derogatory comments regarding Stern's girltoy, Beth Ostrosky, the lad mag gives Bronstein the boot. [Page Six]
· Rush Limbaugh offers to help Al Sharpton prepare for his Air America gig, thus sealing the sad fate of liberal radio. [Lowdown]

· At Benny's BBQ on 3rd Ave., Christian Slater tries to score some drugs — the erectile dysfunction treatment Cialis, to be more precise. We never really believed he was hooking up with Lohan, anyhow. [Page Six]
· Following the prestigious lead of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, Jessica Simpson isn't too keen on doing any Dukes of Hazzard publicity with co-star Johnny Knoxville for fear of feeding the rumor mill. Too late, sister. [R&M]
· Lloyd Grove gives PR phoenix Leslee Dart an incredibly tardy — yet utterly luxurious — handjob. [Lloyd Grove]

Hi, I'm special Gawker guest-contributor Burt Reynolds. I tried to get in on that Huffington Post, but I slapped Norman Mailer and now Arianna won't return my calls. Shit, this is the next best thing, right? Anyway, I'm here to tell you who's hot, who's not, and why he or she should be bitch-slapped by me, Burt Reynolds.

It's good to know that after all these years, Burt Reynolds is still kicking ass for no good reason. (Not that he needs a good reason — he's Burt fucking Reynolds and he'll do as he pleases.) At last night's premiere for his movie The Longest Yard, Reynolds slapped a CBS assistant producer for being remarkably insolent:

· Tom Cruise is so in love with Katie Holmes that he's talking about buying marrying her; when Oprah asked him how the two met, however, he stammered. Strange — he doesn't usually have trouble passing the buck to his manager. [Page Six]
· Eminem goes after the Olsen twins; in the interest of a fair fight, perhaps the rapper should chose targets who won't snap in half when trying to fight back. [Scoop]
· Ex-boyfriend Wilmer Valderrama allegedly raids the guest list for Lindsay Lohan's SNL after-party, taking her guests to his competing gathering. Will Nicole Richie remain loyal? And for how long? [R&M (2nd item)]
· It's official: Lloyd Grove is totally obsessed with Lil' Kim's every move. That's what ignoring Paris Hilton gets you. [Lowdown]

· Katie Holmes was not Tom Cruise's top choice for the role of "girlfriend." That would've gone to Kate Bosworth, but Bosworth wasn't confident enough in her acting skills to accept the part. [Gatecrasher (2nd item)]
· Meanwhile, Cruise continues to babble his career down the drain. [Lowdown]
· When pressed with questions about whether or not Counting Crows singer Adam Duritz hired hookers, Duritz's rep responded: "He's a rock star, for God's sake. He gets some of the most beautiful women in Hollywood." These beautiful women, mind you, are usually hanging at Off The Wagon. [Page Six]
· American Idol loser Corey Clark refuses to fade into obscurity after openly admitting he humped Paula Abdul; now Clark insinuates that Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell were an item. Which we totally believe. [R&M (4th item)]
· We love us some Elisa Lipsky-Karasz, but how much longer are they going to leave her final column up on the site? It's time to let go. [ELK]

· Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have another "secret" fuckromp in Morocco (hopefully including ritualistic animal sex) while Jennifer Aniston perfects her best pouty face. [R&M]
· After a View appearance in which Goldie Hawn wrongly accused Star Jones of spreading gossip, Barbara Walters will be outed as the guilty party. So who's the boss on this show? [Page Six]
· Jessica Simpson continues to give the impression of being single by humping and grinding her way about Vegas. [Lowdown (last item)]
· Roger Friedman refuses to stop writing about Michael Jackson. [Fox411]

It's cute when the Post tries to be tactful, but it also leaves a little something to be desired. "Looks like Katie forgot her makeup" is the headline? Come on, that could be fromforgive usthe News. Doesn't, say, "Tom's Herpes Honey!" or "Holy Herpes, Holmes!" sound so much more Post-worthy?

· Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to persist in parading their "relationship" for the world until every person in the world agrees to see both of their upcoming films. [R&M]
· Matt Drudge doesn't want to be anywhere near Arianna Huffington at the WHC dinner, lest she steal some of his internet fairy dust. [Page Six (2nd item on the PDA feed, as we STILL can't get our login to work. Sigh.)]
· RICHARD GERE HATES CRIPPLES?! [Lowdown]
· Just in time for upcoming sweeps, Oprah magically reveals her secret child, who has been kept in the Winfrey cellar all these years. [NYDN]

Fox announced late yesterday afternoon that Meryl Streep has signed on to play the role of icy fashion mag editor Anna Wintour Miranda Priestly in their film adaptation of The Devil Wears Prada, Lauren Weisberger's bestselling novel about a fashion mag assistant who suffers at the hands of a sadistic editor-in-chief. In Real Life, Weisberger served as Anna Wintour's assistant, so unless you're missing a frontal lobe, you already know that the Priestly character is based loosely (or rather closely) on the Vogue editor.

Look what fun things miraculously show up in our inbox:

We kid you not. As we speak, there's a munchkinnot just a random 'little person,' but a genuine, bona fide, friend-of-Dorothy (not in that way, silly) munchkinin the Billboard cafeteria. See for yourself:

One of Jane Fonda
s ex-lawyers is plenty steamed at the actress-activist-exercise guru-aging slut-memoirist over My Life So Far, her new book (currently #15 on the amazon bestseller list).
She grossly lied when she said [her father] Henry had told her what to say when she accepted the Oscar for Klute in '72,
he writes in an e-mail making the rounds.
I
went to the ceremonies and sat next to her the whole evening
.I came up with what she finally did say (more or less) while we were having a drink in a bar in Koreatown about a half hour before the ceremonies. I whispered in Jane's ear: "I know what you should say if you win: There are a lot of things to say...(meaningful pause)...but now is not the time to say them." While it would have been nice for her to be honest after all these years, I know exactly who she is—and that alas, honesty was never her fort
. I take great solace however in also knowing I am a far happier person today than Jane will ever be.

According to their publicists, 42-year-old Tom Cruise is tomfoolering around with Dawson s Creek alum, Katie Holmes, 26. Despite positive reviews for Wonderboys and Pieces of April, we can now expect Holmes career to pull a Penelope Cruz — who s finally back in rotation after spending three years pooing out movies like Gothika, Head in the Clouds, and (in a stunning crescendo) the TNT holiday classic, Noel. The conspiracy theorist in us thinks that this Cruise-on-Holmes coupling is merely an extension of the evil tentacle known as Curse of the Pie from Katie's ex-fiance, Chris Klein. Behold the American Pie cast: Jason Biggs, Brian Ian Whoever, and Mena Suvari ( Wherefore art thou, Career? ), Shannon Elizabeth (recently divorced), Tara Reid (no explanation needed), Natasha Lyonne (now molesting dogs), Chris No, I m fine to drive Klein (arrested for climbing his pie-eyed ass behind the wheel a few months back). So we should all brace ourselves for the references to Katie s career being up a creek that are bound to proliferate in print for years to come.
—NH
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Dating [NYP]
Seventh Seal Finally Opened [Defamer]

· God help you all or, at least, help Jennifer Garner. She's engaged to Ben Affleck. So this is the official premiere of Bennifer Redux, if you can stomach it. [Page Six]
· OMG, Paris Hilton, like, totally officially hates Nicole Richie 4-EVA. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Paparazzo of destruction Steve Sands tries a new technique: Getting Demi Moore's attention by shouting out her Upper West Side address. Suffice to say, this did not win her over. [Lowdown]
· PETA claims to have enlisted the new pope. On the ceiling of the Sistene, the image of Adam rolls his eyes. [Scoop]

· Unable to halt the chatter about his involvement with Lindsay Lohan, Christian Slater calls his mother to his defense. After praising her wittle boy, Mommy then says Lindsay could learn a lot from her Kufftastic son. Milk and cookies TK. [Lowdown]
· Ashton Kutcher can't get laid on an airplane. What is this world coming to?! [Scoop]
· George Lutz, a former resident of Long Island home upon which The Amityville Horror is based, doesn't like being portrayed as a "bloodthirsty maniac." Go fig. [Page Six]
· Elizabeth Koch, Cornelia Guest, Amanda Hearst and Lauren Bush, beware: Prince Albert is considering you for royal impregnation. [R&M]

And it is word association. Greg Allen, writer/blogger behind Greg.org, offers his first impressions of the luminaries he met or saw at MoMA's Marc Forster A Work In Progress event earlier this week:
· Ryan Gosling: unexpectedly wry
· Maggie Gyllenhall: good sport, Harvard Law material
· Will Ferrell: makes even repressed movies about dead babies, racist executioners, and manipulative closet cases funny.

· At an event honoring Les Moonves, Kathleen Turner does the public slurring and wobbling thing. But Les loves the method actors, right? [Page Six]
· Judith Regan, you wicked little trickster! Seems the publisher's relocation to LA might have something to do with her pitching a film based on her love affair with Bernard Kerik (gag). [Lowdown]
· Hopefully, Regan's movie pitch won't interfere with her upcoming wrestling match with Jenna Jameson. [NYDN]
· OMGOMGOMGOMGBRITNEYISPREGNANTOMG.
· Joan Kennedy is so drunk, she's putting the family's Cape Cod estate up for sale. [R&M]