As if the Federletus' verified existence weren't reeling enough, now we're forced to deal with yet another celebrity crisis: Joaquin Phoenix has checked himself into an undisclosed rehab facility for alcoholism. Yes, we know you were desperately wondering where he had been lately.

From Manohla Dargis' New York Times review of Fever Pitch:

The Gen Art film festival opened last night with a screening of Kevin Bacon's latest film Loverboy — which, should everything go according to plan, will ensure that he's separated from everyone by merely four degrees. But what of the party, held at The Park?

· Rumors fly that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spent Easter weekend together, locked in a Palm Springs villa. Listen, you false tabloids: If Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are dry-humping, they're dry-humping only as friends. [Lowdown]
· WE HEAR...That Paula Froelich loves writing about herself in the third person! [Page Six]
· If you're going to press charges against Big Pussy, it helps if you maybe had an affair with your lawyer. Keeps the prosecution tight, y'know? [R&M (2nd item)]
· Jenna Bush drunk and on all fours is hardly news; Jenna Bush drunk and on all fours at that God-awful Nerveana place is headline-worthy. [Page Six]

Rumor has it that Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are finally going to consummate their relationship of lies:

We were so consumed with terror over the state of Britney and Kevin's marriage (oh, like it doesn't matter to you?) that we hadn't even noticed this lovely picture of Shannon Elizabeth. Click the image to enlarge and be thus impressed; as a reader pointed out, "I thought you were just supposed to use the pinky nail."

Today's high concept post comes to us via The New York Times 'City' section, which featured a piece by William Neuman that mentioned Woody Allen giving prospective buyers of his $24.5 million house a tour.

Apparently she makes Films and he makes Movies.

We're just thinking out loud here, but what if Cynthia Nixon were secretly a lesbian? And what if she came out to a local tabloid on, say, Monday?

Cardozo Law School has just wrapped up a three-day program on the Nuremberg trials, including a panel discussion featuring none other than world-renowned Nuremberg expert Alec Baldwin. A lucky attendee writes in:

· Test audiences reacted poorly to the sight of Ashton Kutcher's red string Kabbalah bracelet, so the movie company spent $100k having the string digitally erased. Yahweh forbid they just make Kutcher take the damn thing off before shooting. [Scoop]
· Cynthia Nixon swallows her pride and cracks lesbian jokes at Sarah Jessica Parker's birthday party. [R&M (2nd to last)]
· The Times uses its op-ed page to promote the Red Sox Nation, in which it has a vested interest. [Page Six]
· Jennifer Lopez's publicist keeps PETA's full-page ad criticizing the singer/actress/designer out of the pages of Billboard. Don't worry, we're sure J.Lo will fire her for something soon enough. [Lowdown]

So, according to Broadcasting & Cable, Cybill Shepherd's gonna reprise her role as Martha Stewart for another CBS biopic:

Everyone's a critic.

Hey, look! It's Philip Seymour Hoffman as Truman Capote from Capote, one of two upcoming biopics about the bantamweight belletrist. (The other one, Every Word is True, stars Toby Jones.)

There may be a celebrity baby a-brewin' in the Kutchmoore's womb, and we put it to our readers to come up with some serious baby name suggestions. Keeping in mind the potential spawn must have a name that is both appropriate for a celebrity seedling and respectful of Kabbalah's mystic nuances, our readers have bravely answered the call of duty. Oblique, Tofutti, Profiterole, Habbakuk, Gary — the responses were overwhelming and, dare we say, a bit touching. After the jump, a lengthy list of the best and most plausible picks for the little baby that could.

Woody Allen Reveals New Neurosis in New Movie [Reuters]

Today's New York Daily News features an interview with everybody's favorite umlaut-abusing actress, Chloë Sevigny. Among the revelations: Sevigny wants a shot at playing the villain in the next Spider-Man film. (The villain is called Fashion Disaster: she blinds people with her awful clothes.)

All joking aside, there's a distinct possibility that Demi Moore may be carrying Ashton Kutcher's cackleberry (we refuse to believe otherwise — fuck you, reality!) and, if there's one thing we love, it's celebrity babies. They're so tiny and cute and rich!

Panel Chairman Scolds Baseball on Steroids [AP, Yahoo]
Major League [IMDB]

· And the stereotypical undergrad award goes to Julia Stiles, who will be starring in an adaptation of The Bell Jar, which she also plans to produce. NB to Stiles: I was lazy and unoriginal, so I wrote my senior thesis on Plath. Look where I ended up. Move on. [Page Six]
· Brittany Murphy denies that she owes her skeletal body weight to cocaine use. Oh, Brittany, you make us laugh and laugh and laugh! [R&M (2nd item)]
· Jane Fonda... Ex-husband... Forced orgies... Head exploding... [Page Six]
· No Lowdown today; we hear Lloyd Grove is home sick, as his body is recovering from what we assume was a nasty run-in with some Tikka Masala. Stay away from the creamy stuff, Lloyd, and get well soon.