We have no idea if this is true — in fact, when we checked with our friend clerking in the Southern District, she hadn't heard anything about it — but, still, it's too juicy to pass up:

As we continue to document the nauseating display of love between Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, we got to thinking: What does it all mean? Desperate for clarification and direction, we turned to our friend Lexi for answers. After all, if the media can't tell us what to think, then we're a lost cause.

• Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes beam back to NYC and set up camp in the Carlyle with their respective families...but only one mother will emerge alive. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Holmes has been introduced Cruise's ex-beard, Penelope Cruz. [Scoop]
• And, because we keep writing this sort of shit, all print reporters have been banned from the NYC premiere of War of the Worlds — except for People magazine, apparently, as they've expunged the necessary thetans from their masthead. [R&M]
• Jennifer Aniston is staying at the Peninsula in Chicago under the name "Mrs. Smith," which she apparently finds funny. She laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs — then rips her hair out. [Page Six]
• Wait, you mean the deaths of Tupac Shakur and Biggie Smalls might have been connected?! [NYDN]

It's a little bit old, but we were just pointed to a joint interview Tom Cruise and Steven Spielberg did with Germany's Der Spiegel magazine:

A study out today in Nature suggests that individual cells have the capacity to identify famous people. All Things Considered explains:

• At some point in your life, you will come across something so calamitous, so disgusting and unbelievable that you are simply at a loss for words. The Kimora Lee Simmons blog is that very thing. [Blog Kimora]
• The street literature of mayoral candidate Gifford Miller has us wanting to call him Pony Boy. [The Politicker]
• As the IFC theater opens in the Village, the UES' Beekman draws its dying breath. Behold the circle of life, commercial property-style. [HR]
• How not to prepare for your NBA finals game: jet-skiing around an E. Coli-laden lake. Only in Detroit, folks. [Whatevs]
• David Sedaris wants money. Yours, to be exact. [Boulder Dirt]
• We're not sure at which exact point the career of Janeane Garofolo went so hideously wrong, but no matter. This is a woman in crisis. [Oxygen via Lindsayism]

· Roger Friedman has a play-by-play of Katie Holmes' romantic abortion with Tom Cruise which, when put on a timeline, is all the more frightening. [Fox411]
· Meanwhile, the lovebirds sure can rack up a hotel bill. [Page Six]
· Paris Hilton says, "I don't have bad luck." Remember this, dear readers, while we wait for the next sex tape. [Scoop]
· When you're Jack Nicholson, you can change the screenplay to your liking. [R&M]
· Microsoft billionaire Paul Allen leaves art world heavyweights stranded on the deck of his oversized yacht. Oh Bartleby, oh humanity. [Page Six]

We tried to avoid this one, but in the interest of national conversation, it'd be a reprehensible public disservice if we dared to ignore the latest news from Tom Cruise's Crazy Parade. At the London premiere of War of the Worlds, Cruise was squirted with water by fake journalists who were filming a prank show for the UK's Channel 4. While Cruise kept his cool, his response involved multiple uses of the word jerk, which seemed appropriate — this type of facial shot usually begins or ends with a jerk of some sort.

On Friday, we published an account of actor Chris Noth's conversation at the Entertainment Weekly party, much of which revolved around his distaste for Gawker and, more importantly, our inaccuracy when discussing whether or not he wears slippers on the subway. Our response to Noth's conversation prompted one impassioned email (universal [sic] applicable) that really hit home:

So. AIDS in South Africa, genocide in Sudan, and Tom Cruise is now engaged to Katie Holmes. The mind reels, doesn't it? Even jaded souls such as ours can't quite comprehend why this sort of trainwreck is considered good publicity — so we turned to our favorite trainwreck expert, PR princess Lizzie Grubman, for analysis:

A Gawker spy forced to attend last night's Entertainment Weekly party had a pleasant surprise, being so fortunate as to directly overhear a poor reporter try to interview Sex and the City alum and local dipsomaniac Chris Noth. When asked what he doesn't like about fame, Mr. Big stammered for a moment before answering, "Gawker!" OMG, he knows our name?

You were warned: Kneeling on a well-worn copy of Dianetics, Tom Cruise confessed (again) his love to Katie Holmes and, with complete disregard for all that is sane and normal in this world, asked for her hand in marriage. Eager to properly respond, Holmes' publicist shoved his hand a bit further up her ass so as to manipulate her answer into an earnest-sounding agreement. And to show us that their love is real, the pair even held a romantic press conference to share their fantastically fantastic news.

· Because everyone's just confessing everything to Graydon Carter, Jennifer Aniston will reveal in Vanity Fair that the issue behind her breakup with Brad Pitt was not about starting a family. Golly, can you guess what the issue is? Or have you been living under a rock? If so, lucky you. [Page Six]
· An ambulance has a hard time making its way around Star Jones and Al Reynold's double-parked van. Yes, they ride in a chauffered van. And you know damn well why. [Lowdown]
· Did ReganBooks harpy Judith Regan negotiate a $500k deal for NBC to have the rights to "Runaway Bride" Jennifer Wilbanks' story? Interestingly enough, there seems to be no actual book involved with the deal — but are you going to stop Judith Regan from brokering whatever she damn well pleases? [Page Six]
· Is Nicole Kidman dating someone? Do we care? Can't we just discuss how her face seems to be getting more tight and shiny by the minute? [R&M]
· Now that Michael Jackson is off the hook, he can direct his energies to suing journalist Martin Bashir. [Scoop]

· Warner Bros. execs behind Tom Cruise's War of the Worlds are wisely doing their best to keep Cruise and his girlfriend-for-hire Katie Holmes from doing any press together. You, the movie-going public, must do your best to stay away from Cruise's films — he needs learn that this sort of public dry-humping will not stand at the box office. [Page Six]
· Meanwhile, Katie Holmes has been programmed to love Scientology. Not that this surprises you. [Lowdown]
· And Cruise's ex-wife, Nicole Kidman, has managed to keep her mouth shut about the whole thing. [Scoop (2nd item)]
· In completely unrelated news, Baby Phatty Kimora Lee Simmons pouts about the hatemail she inspires. [R&M (2nd item)]

Last night, a tipster wrote:

This almost slipped by us, because we weren't exactly sitting at home watching television at 11:30 last night. (We were, er, volunteering to help the homeless, you know, find homes. Or something.) But Our Boy Russell was on Letterman last night, and, all told, he did good work. He apologized for the incident, told us how much he missed his family, admitted he might have a temper problem and even saved two Vietnamese children from drowning.

· A year after being married, Marc Anthony finally presents Jennifer Lopez with the necessary engagement rock, which weighs no less than 4 lbs. [Scoop]
· You're going to find this hard to believe, but the myth of the Hollywood "casting couch" is not a myth! Yes, actresses and actors often fuck for food and fame. [Page Six]
· Glad we're not the only ones who noticed Lloyd Grove (or reporter Hud Morgan's) animal attraction to actor Jesse Bradford. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
· Did producer LA Reid dare to send Bon Jovi back to the student after finding the legend's work unsatisfactory? [R&M]
· Russell Crowe also likes to threaten people who fill his drinks. [Page Six]

We're not mind-readers, so we can't pretend to have even the slightest idea what was going through their heads when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got together with photographer Steven Klein and decided the best thing for everyone would be a SIXTY PAGE PHOTO SPREAD in the July issue of W. The photo spread features Brangelina as a 1960s married couple, complete with three rented kids, a suburban spread, and, if you're lucky, some Kenyan jungle sex.

From a spy:

Verbose Coma witnessed the clusterphooey outside the Mercer Hotel when alleged phone-wielder Russell Crowe's luggage left the premises, and they took all kinds of pictures. The best part: The guy standing on a sports utility vehicle to get a better shot of ... well, we're not sure, exactly. You realize that the bald concierge with the luggage is gonna be in In Touch this week. Unless, of course, he actually is Moby.—WL