An excerpt from Madonna's children's book, courtesy of the National Post:
"Your look is so this-minute," she enthused. "How can I possibly help you?"
"Oh, go on," Fiona tossed coltishly. "Actually, it's Sheryl here. We're going on a country weekend. You know, visit some castles..."
"Meet some handsome princes!" Sheryl blurted (so incontinently that Fiona asked herself again, "Why am I friends with this person?").
Fiona and Sheryl do Gap [National Post]

Someone just sent me Gawker/Soho House fan fiction. Dear. God. This is clearly one of those things that needs to be killed at birth. (Send me more!) A sample: "'The Management forces us to make trucker hats, and on our down time, the only acceptable subjects we can discuss are Bjork, Zaha Hadid, and Deconstructionism. I don't know if I can take it anymore!' a literary agent said among the group. 'But I'll be damned if I move back to Nebraska and forlornly read some ratty copy of Der Speigel.'"
Soho in Da House [Clodia of Rome]

A reader writes, re: the Chuck Klosterman review below:
"1. what does beigeist mean?
2. why does Ames use it three times in this essay?
3. why does Ames seem seem nearly to be the only one ever to use it, and over and over again?"

· Jayson Blair spotted in Times Square near NYT headquarters. [Page Six]
· Overheard in the Olsen twins' limo: "Alcohol tastes just like water!" Uh-oh. The next Tara Reids? [Page Six]
· Rock legend Lou Reed officiates a wedding. [Page Six]
· Calvin Klein dictates that only white flowers be placed in reception areas. Very J-Lo. [Page Six]
· The plot of "The Playgroup," hailed as the next "Nanny Diaries," involves affairs between UES moms while the kids and husbands are away. [Cindy Adams]
· Director Quentin Tarantino flew into town this week to give actress Uma Thurman a "special screening," of their new film, "Kill Bill." [NY Daily News]

Gawker stalker items are submitted by readers. Send sightings to tips@gawker.com
· Saw Anna Wintour at the U.S. Open last night, sitting in the USTA President s Box with her daughter wearing those ubiquitous sun glasses for a nighttime tennis match. She left her seat in the middle of the match to introduce her daughter to Kim Catrall, who was sitting in a different box; hopefully not to discuss the teabag discussion from last week s Sex and the City.
· nicole kidman with an entourage consisting of two men and three women at schiller's (keith mcnally's new LES joint) on saturday night. Nicole had her hair up and was, inexplicably, wearing three layers of clothing.

The success of Friendster has prompted a number of aspiring web entrepreneurs to create little bastard Internet properties with the suffix "ster" at the end. The latest example: Dumpedster.com. ("The summer of getting dumped by fifty people.") Now, I realizedumpedster/dumpsterit may be a legitimate appropriation. But there are others. Frumster. Fiendster. Enemyster. Hipster. Fuckster.

In the NY Press this week, Mark Ames reviews Chuck Klosterman's new book, Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs. Well, not so much the book as the book jacket photo: "Klosterman is, quite simply and almost literally, an ass. His soft, saggy face bears a disturbing resemblance to a 50-year-old man's failing, hairless back end. His tiny, red mouth is a sphincter twisting to a pained close 40 seconds after taking a brutal pounding from Peter North. To round it out, he has a mop of ironically uncombed, dyed-yellow hair and thick-rimmed glasses that look like they were placed on the ass as a frat prank, like a wig and sunglasses thrown on an old jack-o-lantern." I hate to say it, but that kind of review almost makes me sympathize with anti-snark queen Heidi Julavits.
The flip-flop king: on the importance of Chuck Klosterman [NY Press]

I've been informed that there's a new book outand why wouldn't there be?called "The Metrosexual Guide to Style" by a one Michael Flocker. The original title was "The Metro Man's Guide to Style" and it was slated to be published next year. Now it's scheduled to be released next month with a first print run of 50,000 copies.

A reader writes: "In the current issue of Time Out New York - page 144 in the classifieds there is a tiny ad: 'Apologize. The apology number is now open. The idea is to make yourself feel better. Apologize for anything, any-time, anonymously. FREE 212-692-0758.'" Oooohh, alright. I'm sorry I said mean things about LA...

Mark Simpson, who coined the word "metrosexual" on the ongoing repercussions: "The media gang-bang of the metrosexual continued to grow, rapidly developing into a case of full-blown global metrosexmania. Is there a single publication in the 'developed' world, other than Farming Monthly which hasn't run the story? In the weeks after the article appeared I was bombarded with requests for interviews about 'my' bastard child from, amongst others, The Straits Times in Singapore, the Chicago Sun-Tribune, Maxim Russia, 60 Minutes Australia, and CNN. On one especially strange afternoon I found myself being interviewed in my back garden by Russian TV. 'What does a typical metrosexual wear,' the interviewer asked, 'what does he eat?'" [Ed.Given the level of media saturation, I'd normally feel compelled to declare metrosexuals officially "soooo over" at this point, but I'm starting to think that declaring things over is, like, so over.]
Metrosexmania update [Mark Simpson]

Gawker stalker sightings are submitted by readers. Send sightings to tips@gawker.com
· Soho House pulls again: On a dozy Sunday eve with little cheer in sight, in stride Quentin Tarantino and Uma Thurman. They sit down to dinner for two, then a fawning waiter comes over and tells them about the "Sex & The City" screening happening on the roof (featuring lots of Soho House scenes). They leave minutes later - but choose the smoking room over open-air HBO.
· I saw John McEnroe on Sunday evening leaving the restaurant Ouest on the Upper West Side. He was with 2 boys (his sons?) and had a baseball hat on backwards. He looked like a prick. [Ed.Must be the backwards baseball hat.]

I didn't think it was possible to make Gawker meaner yet funnier, but Choire Sicha somehow managed to do it. This will not be the last you hear of him.

· Talk show hostess Barbara Walters will document "corpulent commentator" Star Jones' gastric bypass surgery. [Page Six]
· Did Hillary Clinton's book advance cost 75 Simon & Schuster employees their jobs? [NY Press]
· Jackie O's swimsuit to be auctioned at the Park Central Hotel. [NY Daily News]

Your temporary editor is now off for Penn Station to squeeze onto the Montauk line before you do. Last one to the Hamptons is a shitty social climber!

Gawker Stalker sightings are submitted by readers. Send to tips@gawker.com.

· The prom is over and the pig's blood has been splashed at Seventeen magazine: new editor Atoosa Rubenstein (hereafter known as Carrie White) fired a chunk of the staff and brought in a slew of new editors, ransacking from magazines including New York, Allure, and CosmoGirl!. [NY Post]
· Bravo's reality-dating show Boy Meets Boy pits straight and gay men against each other in a test of gaydar. Contestant "Jason" was expelled from the show, revealed to be gay — and then promptly discharged from the Navy. [Queerday]
· Full time player-hater Michael Savage, fired last year by MSNBC for outrageous — and not even funny — commentary, delusionally believes he could get hired by Fox and CNN. The networks issue vehement smackdowns. [NY Post]
· West Wing creator Aaron Sorkin considering show about the sexy druggy world behind the scenes at Saturday Night Live. [Daily News]
· "I think that we are the laughing stock of the world, with Arnold Schwarzenegger running [for] governor," [Cybill] Shepherd said. Well, yes, California, yes you are. [NY Post]

If you're among the 301,300 New York City residents who would like to work but can't find a job, Matthew Baldwin at TMN has excellent resume-writing advice for you. (We're pretty sure your jobless state is New York's way of saying: Hey! Why dontcha move back to Iowa, live in your parents' basement, and drink most of your beverages in 40-ounce bottles for a while? Silver lining: maybe you'll finish your "novel" there!) Baldwin recommends:

Gawker Stalker sightings are submitted by readers. Send to tips@gawker.com.

· A slobby Port Authority cop benefited greatly from his Queer Eye makeover which aired Tuesday night, but on Wednesday at work his new duds and pedicure couldn't save him from the wrath of his employer. Evidently having queens flounce around in your police uniform doesn't sit well with the powers that be. (Idea for a new reality show for straight guys who've been gayified: There's Got To Be A Morning After; Gay Self Defense Tricks for the Metrosexual. Hire me.) [Daily News]
· We all know L.A. does awful things to people: it was rumored that Britney Spears went from straight to hasbian in a mere 15 minutes at an L.A. nightclub. But no: she was merely making out with fembot Jared Leto. Same dif. [E!]
· Update on yesterday's Phish pedophilia photography scandal: Segway involved! Oh, and the whole thing was allegedly completely innocent and parentally-permissioned. [Ken Layne]
· Tired of seeing ugly pictures of himself on Page Six, professional sexy-ugly man Vincent Gallo provides The New York Post with sanctioned self-portrait. [NY Post]
· Stephen Glass, founder of Lying Journalists Anonymous, is making amends to every publication to which he submitted fake stories. And he's getting work out of it: Rolling Stone is giving him another shot. Copy editors are standing by. (Idea for a new reality show: Truthful Eye for the Journalist Guy, in which copy editors... oh, you get the idea.) [Daily News]

Crankypants Manhattan blogger Jacob at Anti Gravity Cranberry finds his favorite dank SoNoLita (that's the neighborhood South of North of Little Italy) hideout overtaken by what appears to be a flash mob from Williamsburg: "You're probably still over there seeing who can make the most obscure but apropos movie quote. You play that game because you have no original thoughts or ideas; you're a sad depository of mildly entertaining pop culture. I know that you totally had those bootleg Slint studio tracks 6 years ago before they were available to, like, everyone, on mp3. Fuck all of you. Wait. You don't deserve to be fucked. Unfuck yourself and overdose on stepped-on brown smack you bought with trust-fund money you wannabe piece of ass no one wants."
Cheer Up Goth [Anti Gravity Cranberry]