· Britney Spears replies to the Maryland governor's wife who wanted to shoot her: "She probably needs to get laid." She then complains about ABC promos for tonight's Primetime interview. "They wanted me to have this towel wrapped around me and then drop it. It was all about my body, you know?" Yah, we know, Brit. Maybe because of your perpetual magazine cover nudity? [NY Post ]
· More Britney! Britney Spears on masturbation: "I think if you say you don't do it, you're lying," she says. "I think it's a positive thing to indulge in yourself in a sexual way sometimes. I don't do it all the time. It's life. Guys can talk about it. Why can't girls?... I think it's positive for girls not to depend on guys. Being alone - I'm one to say! - you really start to figure out what makes you happy... So just make yourself happy and let them just kind of follow up after you." [NY Daily News]
· Demi Moore, now 41, may be expecting a proposal from Ashton Kutcher. Keep an eye out for the Punk'd crew. Yo Demi: Psych! [E!]
· Rosie O'Donnell ushers in the debut of her play, Taboo. Gulping a Sam Adams, she says, "Tomorrow night, we're really going to party." Yeah, party like it's 1989. [Fox 411]

· Theatre: "Fame" supposedly just sucks; "Taboo" looks suspicious.
· Did deposed Times managing editor Gerald Boyd get paid more for his scandal-at-the-Time bio/tell-all than Jayson Blair?
· Gold chain culture suddenly over: I know what bling-bling means, boasted [demi-socialite and newlywed] Shoshanna Gruss. I study rap videos and I take party invitations very seriously.

· Shattered Glass is Ghetto Fabulist.
· If 40 emails in an hour makes it true, then yes, that was Paris Hilton's phone number.
· The coming media scandal: Hollywood wire taps.

The following email is purportedly written by a famously terminated Martha Stewart Omnimedia employee. He evidently felt the need to cc his "so long and good luck" email to her to a good chunk of the Martha Stewart Omnimedia offices. The forwarded emailed is editorialized by the various passers-on: "The following letter KYLE BLOOD!!! read below..." "he is a lunatic!" "oh lord" "Check out this e-mail that Kyle sent to Martha ... what a nut he is."

· Anonymous words of advice: "Buck up, Prince Charles! We know you're surrounded by sell-outs, and even if you did, we don't care if you fucked the butler!" (last item) [NYO]
· In a strange (perhaps planned?) twist, home pornographer Rick Solomon is suing the Hiltons. Strangely-faced stars Shannon Doherty and Pamela Anderson make popcorn, have girl talk over home porn vid. [NY Post]
· Michael Musto on being banned from Al Pacino at the Angels in America screening: "Who knew that the upshot of 20 years of AIDS would be that a gay journalist who rolled around in the streets for ACT UP and writes for Poz would get dissed at a fancy-buffet bash by an Oscar winner pretending to be sick in a movie?" [NY Daily News]

An reader writes in with an impressively detailed day of endurance celebrity-stalking. (We think perhaps our stalker is homeless, and just like to spare-change on different corners of mid-town. Nice work if you can get it.)

My estimable colleague at The Kicker, my own little Louella Parsons, has a complaint. "There are no good media scandals to report on right now," she pouts, kicking into gear for a listicle:

Never let it be said that I don't emulate Gawker Founding Editor Elizabeth Spiers. Yes, I also have pin-up posters of Christopher Hitchens in my girlish bedroom. But I don't mean that.

· The NY Post, like everyone and their mother, has seen the Paris tape too. In a letter to her parents, a completely rabid Linda Stasi writes: "What are you so suddenly shocked and angry about? Did you find out she was having unprotected sex in a Marriott and not a Hilton hotel?" [NY Post]
· Abercrombie & Fitch Quarterly is too spicy for the Daily Newsman Lloyd Grove. In the current issue, A&F questions Paris Hilton: "Did you have any other personal-hygiene dilemmas?" (Damn Lloyd refuses to print her answer: anyone care to admit to having A& F on hand?) [NY Daily News]
· Britney Spears may purchase Mr. Madonna's, AKA Guy Ritchie's, London townhouse. "I'm looking for somewhere cozy to hang out" with her massive collection of voodoo dolls, she explains. [NY Daily News]
· We knew this was coming: new Bravo and Comedy Central shows will attempt to heterofy the gayest gays in gaytown. [NY Daily News]

Writer/Rockstar/Dilettante Neal Pollack got a little bit reamed in this Sunday's Times book reviews. (His book was referred to as a pale imitation of the work of Lester Bangs, and worse, Neal himself was referred to as "doughy.") Pollack, luckily, has serious charges that discredit David Kamp's review:

All you Nancy Drews couldn't resist finding out more regarding yesterday's bizarre Craigslist ad seeking an executive assistant/handmaiden/slave at Bird Dog Associates. I wasn't going to post this link, which seems quite clearly to be about the same person: any engagement of this sort of person is asking for trouble. Surely it will only be a few days before I look up in the shower and see this crazy man coming at me with a shank. Feh. Even though I don't want to die, this is just far too entertaining.
Birddog bites [Tihea]

I've never seen a scarier job posting than this advertisment for an executive assistant at Bird Dog Associates. And yet, I'm almost tempted to apply, because it sounds like Melrose Place meets Arliss in reality show format. I mean, "I move in the circles of such legends"? "My friends and business associates, who you will have the opportunity to interact with, play Monopoly with real money"? Hey, I love both Monopoly and real money! I wonder if they ever play Scrabble with tiles made from human fingers?
Executive Assistant to Fast Paced Internet Entrepreneur [Craiglist]

· Singer Pink snubs pet charity gala because fur-touting Vogue editor Anna Wintour will be in attendance. Host and Arista chief L.A. Reid disappointed at non-event of sexy sexy cat-fight. [NY Post]
· Beyonce wants to be more — or less — than a pretty face, demands MTV show her "serious" side. [MSNBC]
· "Rich Girls" Ally Hilfiger and Jamie Gleicher are smart enough to write resumes. Gleicher: "We must have done something really good for us to have the privileges that we do. Benjamin Franklin was born on my birthday, Muhammad Ali was born on my birthday. Like, maybe I was one of them." [NY Daily News]
· Madonna's second children's book, "Mr. Peabody's Apples," is released today, starring character Tommy Tittlebottom. Tee hee. [USA Today]
· Kelly "The Ripper" Ripa kicks off season of successful "feel-good" television that makes you feel really really vomitacious when viewing. [Hollywood Reporter/Reuters]
· The subway turns 100, celebrate by cabbing. [NY Daily News]

· Catherine Zeta-Jones and Michael Douglas awarded $24,000 for damages caused by "unflattering" photos. CZ-J was worried that photographers had stolen her soul, but only got the ugly half. [BBC News]
· Ann Truman? Nah, Will Coulter sounds better if perky wackjob Ann Coulter married Will of "& Grace." [Chicago Tribune] [via Romenesko]
· Lessons in self-love and aggressive management: Jessica Simpson seriously over-rates her star-power, goes for film, sitcom, multiple endorsement deals, new book, and public journal. [NY Post]
· CBS goes blonde and young, signing Lizzie McGuire, AKA Hilary Duff, for new version of "Family Ties." [MSNBC]
· Circulation of The New York Sun passes 40,000 after price cut, in a sign that either people are grooving on the paper or that they'll buy anything for a quarter. [NY Daily News] [See also: today's Sun's version of the Paris Hilton story. Couldn't resist just a little more Paris.]

· Jet Blue and Port Authority won't destroy Saarinen's JFK terminal.
· Judging by today's reader mail, some of you remain unenlightened regarding the current royal scandal. Try this for more explication.
· The hipster zen list.

· Stand absolutely still to micro-house at Filter 14.
· Get Karen Finley to make a portrait of your psychic emanations.
· Don't forget, Elf: Revolutions opens this weekend, with lots of special effects and dramatic gravity-defying fight scenes, all shot at the North Pole.

· Beer company Pabst up for sale. Mogul bonus: buy Pabst, get 40% of New York magazine. [via TMFTML]
· NYC: Highest percentage of single people in the country. (Does that make you feel more or less lonely?)
· Wristwatch phone uses your finger as an earpiece. Oh, that's going to be all the rage in Williamsburg. [via Gizmodo]

Totally Over:
· The Wachowski Brothers: Unloading a big steaming celluloid dump like Matrix 3 would ruin their careers in a world with any justice.
· Gawker.com: There are certain shades of limelight which can wreck a website's complexion.
· Australians: They were hot until the Hilton sisters got there and ruined everything. Goodbye Australians: hello, Canadians, the new hotness!

· Martha "I am being persecuted" Stewart can't make friends with salad. "I have not been able to chop a cabbage," she said to Barbara Walters, since last summer's infamous morning show appearance in which she freakishly diced and sliced her way out of answering questions about ImClone. "If we're going to make a cake, Barbara, my cake can't be a flop," growled Stewart inexplicably before sinking her vampire fangs into Barbara's neck. [NY Daily News]
· David Blaine upset that no one missed him when he was in a box for 44 days, announces jump to his death to take place in April, 2004. [BBC News]
· According to a statement, Hilton mere and pere are "saddened at how low human beings will stoop to exploit their daughter Paris, who is sweet-natured, for their own self-promotion as well as profit motives." This complaint evidently excludes the forthcoming Fox reality show "The Simple Life" because self-exploitation is different. Now, using this anatomically correct doll, show everyone where America touched you, Paris. [NY Post]

· Camille Paglia invented the internet as we know and hate it.
· NYC Marathon simulator. [via kottke]
· Writer/theorist/party girl Shelley Jackson succeeds in convincing people to get words tattooed on their bodies for her new story. [via bookslut]