· Martha "I am being persecuted" Stewart can't make friends with salad. "I have not been able to chop a cabbage," she said to Barbara Walters, since last summer's infamous morning show appearance in which she freakishly diced and sliced her way out of answering questions about ImClone. "If we're going to make a cake, Barbara, my cake can't be a flop," growled Stewart inexplicably before sinking her vampire fangs into Barbara's neck. [NY Daily News]
· David Blaine upset that no one missed him when he was in a box for 44 days, announces jump to his death to take place in April, 2004. [BBC News]
· According to a statement, Hilton mere and pere are "saddened at how low human beings will stoop to exploit their daughter Paris, who is sweet-natured, for their own self-promotion as well as profit motives." This complaint evidently excludes the forthcoming Fox reality show "The Simple Life" because self-exploitation is different. Now, using this anatomically correct doll, show everyone where America touched you, Paris. [NY Post]