· A highly ambitious Conde Nast lunch special today: Saut ed Duck Breast with Lemon Risotto.
· We're not really clear what today's Tina Brown column means, but our ugly sister Wonkette is valiantly trying to parse it.
· David Hasselhoff: what can't he do?

· At Beverly Hilton Golden Globes party, Paris gets security guard fired who said, "Hey, you should have won a Globe for your porno." [NYP]
· Internet gossip Matt Drudge (or, as we like to think of him, DRUDGE!!!) has finally pushed the John Kerry Botox story over the edge: the NYO and the Daily News today both have oodles of plastic surgeons who swear the presidential aspirant is all botulistic in the face. [NYO] and [NYDN]
· Jamie Lee Curtis and Diane Lane have faux bitch-fight in Golden Globes bathroom. [E!]
· Trump: don't drink, don't smoke. (But is there 12-step for self-hating hair?) [NYP]
· Happy birthday, Lizzie Grubman: whiny irksome court documents published. [NYDN]

I am pleased to report that we now have email again. Let's all thank the Eastern European goatherders who handle our tech issues for getting right on this 36-hour-old problem. You'd think I was on the fucking Mars lander with the amount of fussing this took. We've cracked open a bottle of Grey Goose in their honor here at Gawker HQ, but now we're confused, as we don't really know what the cool kids are mixing up these days. (We just heard that gin isn't a mixer. Who knew?)

· Hear New Yorker columnist Ken Auletta discuss

his new book, Backstory: Inside the Business of News, tonight at the 92nd Street Y... with Tina Brown. Bring your hipflask, you wouldn't want your buzz to wear off during this.

· Pay tribute to punk rock bad boys Anti-Flag by turning your American flag upside down and wearing it as a skirt. Or skort. Whatever.

· Wish news-lifer Harvey Shapiro a happy 80th birthday.

Please note that the Gawker email has been down since Tuesday morning. While I appreciate this vacation from clueless hatemail originating from East Bumfuck, USA, I guess I miss it too. Like any abusive relationship, it's hard to just walk away.

These two entrants, by dint of their impressive stalking capabilities, are each getting two free tickets to the Stills show on Thursday at Bowery Ballroom.

· Carmel driver slams door on Lizzie Grubman's leg. You can book Carmel's drivers online here or call them on (212) 666-6666 to show your appreciation. [NYDN]
· Golddigger alert: Jets owner and Johnson & Johnson heir Woody Johnson is single again. Close your eyes and think of (owning big chunks of) England. [NYP]
· A wise Oscar-announcement-morning warning: "Attention all employees of Miramax! I suggest that your ass calls in sick this morning, cuz Harv is gonna be PISSED!" [Whatevs]
· "There are two kinds of people the ones who want to be in Page Six, and complete liars." [Michael Musto]

Danny Gregory reports with drawings from the Martha Stewart preliminaries, and hits some highlights of court culture that could be torn straight from the pages of Martha. (Yes, official touches like flags and bailiffs do make a courtroom so much more homey.)
Martha's Big Day [TMN]

If you felt more unclean than usual after this weekend's NYT Sunday Styles section, perhaps it was Neil Strauss's trip into the world of professional pick-up artists. Mr. Strauss — like Harrison Ford among the Amish in Witness — goes deep into gag-land with a black-fingernail-polished pirate-shirt-wearing magician guide named Mystery. We've gotten sightings over here of this Mystery fella: apparently he leaves a trail of magical slime behind him wherever he goes.

· The Bachelorette's stock photos pimp Microsoft products.
· The wrongest wrongness in Wrongtown: HowWasShe.com pre-rates your dates. Heinous. [via Fimoculous]
· Barney Gimbel — not to be confused with Simpson's lush Barney Gumbel — launches MSNBC's Martha Watch blog.
· The final report from Sundance: "Park City must be where minks go to die. It s like a town full of Liberaces."
· Queer Eye ka-ching meter update: Kyan last to sell out.

· The Richard Meier Perry Street buildings have concluded their co-op board elections. Board President Calvin Klein will gripe about missing socks and missed trysts in the laundry room while Rita (ex-wife of Ian) Schrager and Martha Stewart will have to use their sexual wiles to get the super to fix the boiler. I love this sitcom already! [NY Mag]
· Paris Hilton's two-month damage-control contract with PR man Dan Klores has expired. Let the damage begin afresh. [NYP]
· Martha Stewart is careful to remove all signs of her catered lunches from the courthouse so no one can get a carb-count. [NYDN]

Saturday:

· "In a perfect world, there would be no Ashton Kutcher." The reviews are in: The Butterfly Effect sucks. (The lone dissent: Kurt Loder, who totally hearts Ashton.)
· The NYT Book Review backs away from fiction: "This is what happens when people who don't read control book reviews," says Bookslut.
· Get your Billy Dee Williams, your Gene Simmons, and even your Martha Stewart lectures booked through the celebrity pimps at Greater Talent.

Wonkette, the newest website of Gawker Media's shady and shabby "media empire" (cough), launches today. It's devoted to gossip and nastiness in politics and Washington, D.C., so I must ask: what kind of sick fuckers are gonna read it? (Oh yeah: all you freaks who kept watching "K Street" after the first five dreaded minutes.)

Tips are provided by readers: send yours to tips@gawker.com

· *NSYNC's Lance Bass hockey-checks Paris-pornographer Rick Salomon at Sundance — Salomon actually spills vital drops of life-giving alcohol. [NYP]
· Moby thinks George Bush is America's battering husband. [NYDN]
· Potential Friends ends: Lisa Kudrow stands alone. [E!]
· The Paris PR machine is in overdrive: the book? The CD? What's next, a Paris Hilton chain of assisted suicide drive-throughs? (Please?) [NYDN] and [NYT]

Just a quick thanks to everyone who submitted an application (or "application" in some cases) last week for Gawker Media's forthcoming travel website. You guys are fucking hilarious, seriously — but you're still not getting personalized thank you notes, so consider this your acknowledgment. I've turned all submissions over to the Eccentric Publisher-man himself and I disavow any knowledge of what happens after that — don't blame me!

· Ancient pervert, former Screw publisher, and terrifying TV public access king Al Goldstein has gotten married. [NYP]
· Paris Hilton tries to make off with loaned Sundance Mercedes G Wagon. No word on whether or not Nicole Richie left her works in the back seat. [NYP]
· Mike Bloomberg: Calls "bullshit" that cholesterol-loving diet-guru Atkins died from a fall. [NYDN]
· The Transom takes to the internet as we did, revealing that Katha Pollitt's much-written-about ex-lover is commie intellectual Paul Mattick. Wait, who? Yeah, we don't know either. [NYO, 2nd item]

· Bad trend alert: it seems cigarettes, like books, are so decorative.
· Wanna be a writer? Why not start by doing someone else's writing for them — for free! It's a time-honored tradition and it just makes everyone feel so good.
· Eric Snider on the perils of Sundance: "The Sundance film guide suggests 'Harry and Max' is about two brothers, one 23 and one 16, one an aging boy-band pop idol and the other just beginning to follow in his footsteps. This much is true. What the film guide neglects to mention is that these two brothers HAVE SEX WITH EACH OTHER! This is the sort of thing that ought to be mentioned in large letters in the film guide. If technology will allow it, the film guide should actually vocally YELL it at readers. Of course, the film guide should have also mentioned that the movie is pretty crappy, full of soap opera-quality dialogue and poor acting, but if the Sundance programmers refrained from scheduling bad movies, the festival would only last five days instead of 10. But anyway."

· Harrison Ford's ex-wife gets $90 mil in settlement — and all the marijuana she can carry from his monster stash. [NYDN]
· Amy Fisher is going to freak out if she hears about Joey Buttafuoco one more time: "I have spent 12 years futilely attempting to distance myself from Joey Buttafuoco as one might try to get rid of psoriasis," she rants in her LI Press column. [NYP]
· In an attempt to get an item in Page Six, Peter Tunney has been living in Crobar since New Year's Eve. [NYP]
· Sundance: it's the Demi and Ashton and Paris and Nick snow cocktail. Add Red Bull and expensive free shit and shake. [NYDN]