· Hollywood has stepped in to save Alec Baldwin from his permapuff: he must lose 30 pounds to play the part of fashion designer Halston. [NYP]
· Britney, Demi, and Paris are cracked out on Red Bull. Shocking: these girls have gone wild on caffeine! I've heard caffeine is a gateway drug to nicotine and aspirin! [NYDN]
· Naomi Campbell hopefully to testify in Damon Dash rape case. What these kinds of trials need are more supermodels. [NYDN]
· Strangely enough, the Chelsea Grand isn't owned by hotelier Emanuel Stern, operator of the Soho Grand and the TriBeCa Grand. Lawsuit anticipated. [NYP]
· Cindy Adams predicts: Michael Jackson gets off on child molestation charges. [NYP]

How'd your fame work out this week?

Thanks to this week's advertisers who keep me in Winstons and Adidas:
· Vernacular Press: Anthropology of an American Girl
· Tight Audio Systems
· Island House Tropical Resort
· ToGawp
· Roomster.net
· EDiets

· NY1's Canadian rockstar anchor Pat Kiernan is suing Tele-Charge for $7,000. "I gave tickets away as Christmas presents, I promised them to friends... You can't sell tickets and then later change your mind." [NY Post]
· According the Daily News: Billy Joel, 54, engaged to Katie Lee, 26, with karat diamond, 5. Of course, Ms. Lee is actually 22. Goodness, we don't judge, but really, he's twice her age plus a decade for good measure. [NYDN]
· Richard Belzer, of "Law & Order: SVU," to make satirical film about pop culture for Madonna's Maverick Films. "Everything is gossip," he says. "History is gossip. Headlines in The New York Times are gossip." [NYDN]
· Reporters barred from watching Martha Stewart jury selection. Sorry, Mr. Blodget. [NYT]
· When the sex tape backfires: Rapper Mystikal sent to prison for sexual terrorism, as caught on tape. [NYDN]

· Separated at plastic surgery: Amanda Lepore and Courtney Love.
· Basically you can assemble an entirely nude photograph of Paris Hilton — not that you'd need to — from here [via whatevs] and the classic nipplelicious photo with Michael Jackson here.
· The FCC is ready to make the big bucks off John McEnroe's love of the "f" word (that's "fuck") as he gets his own prime-time CNBC show. Now that's fucktarded.
· Hipsters cast aside their scooters to mate. Hopefully someone bludgeoned them after this photo was taken. [via lockhart]

Stalkings are provided by readers. Please send yours to tips@gawker.com.

1. Gawker's publisher is hiring an editor for a forthcoming weblog about global travel. Now, simmer down: you don't actually get to GO anywhere. However, there are other perks: you get to work at home in your underwear, become an expert in weird, quirky and naughty tidbits all over the world, and, best of all, you get to be a total bastard all day. The site will be a travel guide for people like us, and, hello, we all need to know how to buy hash in Morocco and pick up hookers in Venezuela. Well, and where to stay and eat too, I guess. High maintenance people need not apply. Send your ideas about what's missing in the travel world to tips@gawker.com and please understand that I will simply delete your email if it bores me. Thanks!

· Britney Spears, dressed as a dominatrix, speaks: "I do believe in the sanctity of marriage. I totally do. But I was in Vegas, and I don't know, it took over me, and you know, things got out of hand... Do you realize we landed on Mars that day?" [NYDN]
· Bennifer stumbles a tad as P.Diddy calls Miami meetup a "coincidence." [NYDN]
· No digital cameras allowed in J.Lo's proximity. Nearby memory cards swiped by her guards. [NY Post]
· Paris Hilton to appear on NBC as gold-digger. [NY Post]
· Tina Brown and Harry Evans throw royal liberal luncheon. [NYDN]
· Michael Jackson's ex-wife is Jewish. He loves Islam. As if those kids weren't gonna be fucked up already. [Fox 411]
· Cameron Diaz, Hilary Duff, et al sign production deals with MTV. [Hollywood Reporter/Reuters]

· NYT's Adam Moss: a "relentless drive to capture the Zeitgeist." (I hope he finds a nice zoo in which to keep this Zeitgeist.) [Romenesko]
· NY Mag's Caroline Miller: "everyone is very upbeat" after meeting with new owners. (Read: No one's getting canned til summer!) [Keith Kelly]
· The WB slides back into the sewer from which it came. [NYT]

· Donald Trump's hair at Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum.
· New Yorker film critic and bad stock adviser David Denby reads tonight at Barnes & Noble (way farther uptown than we'll travel, of course).
· Heath Ledger and Jake Gyllenhaal to have hot celluloid sex. See also: Jake and Heath.

· Camping out at Total Request Live.
· Would you like to get drunk-dialed? Apply within.
· The Yeah Yeah Yeah's Karen O., Queen of the Amazon people.
· Harvey Weinstein: taking it to the streets. Or at least the phones.
· And finally, supermodels are healthier than you think: just don't eat.

· Singer Pink on her old job at McDonald's: "I'd be tripping on acid and say, 'Could I have bathroom duty now?' And I'd sit there watching the tiles." [NY Post]
· Nick Lachey would like to do "more artsy kinds of films" while wife Jessica Simpson, he says, would enjoy "just singing in a jazz club." [NY Post]
· Prince Charles sends scotch to recovering alcoholic, Ozzy Osbourne. "It's fine scotch. It will be drunk, but Ozzy won't get any." [The Scoop]
· Michael Jackson has friends in rich places. Saved from yet another financial meltdown. [Fox 411]
· Actress Christina Applegate is still in the running for the Robert Blake jury. [NYDN]
· How un-Blodget: CNBC says Sell. [NY Post]

So many of today's media scandals either don't involve celebrities, drugs or hookers, are boringly reported, or have plots so complicated that even Ken Starr would lose interest. We'll try to explain the messy Jack Kelley/USA Today ruckus in semi-plain English so we can all move on to important things.

· Steve Florio to vacate Conde Nast's CEO position; job to be filled by Charles H. Townsend.
· Fleshbot goes to Las Vegas for the porn lifestyle at the AVN Awards, and Gizmodo goes to the Consumer Electronics Show. (Yah, well, I went to Schiller's Liquor Bar this weekend, so whatever.)

Things we learned this weekend from the New York Times:

· Gwyneth Paltrow under pressure from pal Madonna to endorse Wesley Clark, Democrat for president. "And it all seems to be for [President Bush] and his friends to keep getting richer at the expense of a nation, at the expense of the environment," she says. (Also, last item: Britney Spears loves hookahs and strawberry-flavored tobacco. "Hookah's not like weed, is it?" she asks). [The Scoop]
· Full-time Michael Jackson stalker Diane Dimond is selling a book on... yes, Michael Jackson. Someone stop her. Now. [NYP]
· Babies are in. Who pops first? [NYDN] and [NYDN]
· Nicole Kidman has interlocking C's branded on her rump. [NYP]
· Mariah Carey wants to make nice with rival Jennifer Lopez for a duet. Meanwhile, camp J.Lo responds, "I don't know how Jennifer would benefit from working with Mariah." Also, is that you at Soho House, Ms. Carey? [NYDN] and [NYDN]
· Loan sharks and deadlines for Michael Jackson's Beatles collection. [Fox 411]
· The pressure to be editor-in-chief of American Media's new celebrity publication, Red Carpet, is "like, 'Oh, my God!'" [Intelligencer]

· Ben Stiller yearbook photos.
· As reported yesterday, AP's sports celeb phone list leaked. (Don't miss the Salt Lake City Tribune article's weirdest statement ever: "It is unlikely you could afford the long-distance rates." Wtf? Is long distance some crazy expensive thing in the hinterlands? Or does he mean like... phoning sports heaven? Blech.) [via Romenesko]
· Separated at birth: Graydon Carter and Lisa's band teacher?

· Rosie O'Donnell and wife start cruise for gay families. Voyages to Bahamas and Florida include "sun, fun - and gay fertility lectures." God we hope it's actually a hidden-camera reality show. Err, sort of. [NYDN]
· Cameron Diaz muses on her relationship with Justin Timberlake: "Everybody thinks that just because they might be searching for a person to spend the rest of their life with, I am... Why is it that with every actress in a relationship, it's like, 'Oh, well, you're with that person because you want to get married and have a baby'?" [NYDN]
· As we knew, but it's always fun to say: Nicky Hilton went brown as sister Paris went down. [NY Post]
· Nicole Kidman beats Tom Cruise as second most popular movie star, measured by box-office draw, behind Jim Carrey. [NYDN]
· Ashton Kutcher makes new 'Punk'd'-style series for MTV titled 'Friend.' [Hollywood Reporter/Reuters]
· Mellow yellow: Wipe that Terror Alert High from your screen, Roger Ailes. [CNN]

· How to know when you're being filmed for MTV's "Boiling Point."
· NYC restaurant week returning soon.
· Authentic New York City Chess Tables — hash dealer sold separately.

· Media reporter Peter Braunstein was sent to the mental hospital after a spat with his girlfriend, W beauty director Jane Larkworthy. "I looked up and she was wearing a blue Victoria's Secret teddy and high heels, and she was scratching me... I started freaking out and holed myself up in the bedroom... and about 20 minutes later two cops were banging on my door."... (Also: Last item: Ashton Kutcher may have punk'd Punk'd to punk again. Punk on!) [NY Post]
· Gwyneth Paltrow: "And then you feel like the tides are turning and it's pick-on-Gwyneth time. [I] don't care if I'm not Number 1 or Number 5 or Number 10. I'm really [expletive] good at my job, and people who are interesting and good know that, and that's all that matters." [WaPo]
· Madonna, in email to her fans: "Unfortunately our current government cannot see the big picture. They think too small. They suffer from the 'what's in it for me?' syndrome." [The Scoop] and [NYDN]
· Actress Christina Applegate is in the Robert Blake jury pool. [NYDN]
· Ted Casablanca's wedding watch: not enough nuptials! Someone get married fast! [E!]