· Actor Kevin Connolly is the bestest boyfriend ever! When Fox gossip gimp Roger Friedman badmouths Nicky Hilton, Connolly comes to his girlfriend's defense and calls Friedman "fat." Top that, Todd Meister. [Page Six]
· The gossip columns mudwrestle over the veracity of a Lindsay Lohan/Colin Farrell hookup; yesterday Page Six said there was no truth to the item, but today Rush & Molloy claim their informant was practically under the bed. [R&M (last item)]
· A cameraman from Charlie's Angels crashes a VIP screening of The Life Aquatic just to call Bill Murray a bastard to his face. [Page Six]
· Babbo-master Mario Batali is spotted at the Spotted Pig acting "randy" with an Asian woman who is definitely not his wife. Cheating on your spouse in your own restaurant is such a clich ! [Lowdown]
· Is Michael Jackson paying his formidable legal bills? And, if not, will it ensure he's locked away from little boys all the more quickly? [Scoop]

We know how it is: you're just so damn hot that you can't possibly keep the guys from falling all over you. All you need to do is cross the street and suddenly wealthy business men are chasing you. You merely take the subway and even the trannies are lusting after you. You're fighting them off with a stick, right? Because you're fucking amazing. It's hard, we know, but you're not alone! The Post's Marina Vataj and her super-fine friends have the exact same problem, so they wear fake engagement rings to ward off unseemly suitors. By waving a $10 bauble (available at a Ricky's near you) in the face of gentlemen not worth their attention, these ladies can thwart any undesired attempts at romance. It's much easier than shooting dudes a dirty look, plus you get to wear something sparkly!
Fake Engagement Ring Makes A Brilliant Guy-Repellant [NYP]

We're not happy to tell you this, but there are breaking reports of a frightening new audio recording released on the internet. But it's our job to report these things, even when we're cowering under our desks in fear of another attack by the people who've made our lives a waking nightmare of fear these last few years.

Hey, remember former "it" thing Fabian Basabe? Surely you've blocked him from your memory, but he's still around and still completely disconnected from reality. In a recent interview, Fabian bemoans the sheer suffering that is being an unemployed party boy, and comments on dealing with nasty gossips:

Girlie Action, the PR/marketing firm representing acts such as The Donnas, Courtney Love, and Good Charlotte, held their 10th Anniversary Party last night at The Delancey. It was a cool-hunter's wet dream: JD Sampson of Le Tigre (pictured above) was spinning, Blake Schwarzenbach of Jets to Brazil was milling about curiously, and an inexplicably hopeful rumor was spreading that Avril Lavigne might show. To set the scene a little more bluntly, there were a lot of hot people with jagged haircuits and not-yet-jaded souls fighting for elbow space. While Andrew Krucoff pushed around Tricia Romano of the Village Voice and kept her out of trouble, Nikola Tamindzic provided the up-close photomentary, for your perusal apres le jump.

· The Rejection Show, the one and only creative outlet for all things, er, rejected, brings Jonathan Ames, some New Yorker cartoonists, and the Sundance-shunned Santa Claus and the Jew to P.S. 122 tonight. [flavorpill]
· The Knitting Factory kicks off a new monthly comedy/variety show tonight titled "The Clip Joint." Oh, those clever promoters with their subtle inverse drug references! In any event, Daily Show-er Lewis Black is tonight's big attraction. [KF]
· Um, memo to New York's venue bookers: can you get some new fucking bands to come to town? Broken Social Scene plays yet again at Bowery, though the Pixies switch it up with openers le Tigre tonight at Hammerstein. [NYP]

Finally, an answer to her father's important question: "Is our children learning?"

· Did anyone else hear that the apocalypse actually went down in LA on Monday? Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Ashlee Simpson were caught fraternizing with Fred Durst at now-cursed eatery Koi. [JJB via Stereogum]
· A new and undeniably absurd perfume line called Bond no. 9 is offering scents based on New York neighborhoods. A Curbed reader notes that the Bowery scent smells of "old people and rotten fruit." And at only $168 a bottle, it's hard to resist! [Curbed]
· It takes forever to load, but the Star Wars Holiday Special is well worth the wait. [WOW]
· It's official: freshly-dead rapper Ol' Dirty Bastard had cocaine and tramadol (a prescription painkiller, naturally) in his system when he collapsed on November 13. We know you're already blowing rails and tipping 40s in his honor. [CNN]

Allow us for a moment to take a break from the star-fuckery and relentless snark that characterizes our usual posts so that we might write something—dare we say it?—earnest.

Defamer is proud to present Hollywood Holiday Cards, a (hopefully) recurring feature in which we share the warm holiday wishes of the entertainment industry's biggest players with the world.

Crisis at Conde Nast! Vogue editor Anna Wintour can't seem to keep her slaves under control, as evil freelancers and interns just might be staging a thievish (yet stylish!) revolt:

· Can we just crown Joe Simpson (the father, manager, and puppet-master of popsters Jessica and Ashlee) the creepiest fucking person on earth? He refers to Jessica's breasts as practically unstoppable and claims Ashlee has "more depth" than Cameron Diaz or Meg Ryan. [Page Six]
· Tennis star Anna Kournikova has reportedly wed singer Enrique Inglesias in a private ceremony in Mexico. We hope her new role as a beard goes better than her tennis career. [NYDN]
· Oh my GAWD, Babs' colon is in dire straits! Streisand will be going under the knife to remove a polyp in her colon. [R&M]
· Restauranteur Karim Amatullah gets into a brawl with two models at hotspot Butter, which sends Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen twins running for cover. And to think, our barely-legal pixies thought Butter was their refuge. [Page Six]
· Jacob the Jeweler's 57th St. boutique opening served as a venue for a tense showdown between singer Ashanti and rapper 50 Cent. [Lowdown]
· Tara Reid: still talking her career into the ground. [Scoop]

The WOW Report has a clip from the long-buried 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special, that embarrassing blip in the Star Wars legacy that George Lucas has locked away at his Skywalker Ranch, guarded by a small army of criminally-insane little people in Ewok suits. Some Googling will explain the plot of the special much more effectively than we ever could from this three-minute clip, which features Chewbacca's family warbling in their Wookie language and Mark Hamill showing off the acting chops we all came to love in the "first" three Star Wars movies. It's hard to know why Lucas isn't releasing this glorious abomination; if it ever surfaced on DVD, it would easily gross about ten billion dollars in its first week of release. Maybe he's sick of money.

Somehow, we totally misplaced our invitations to a major nightlife event for adolescent girls looking for virgin cocktails and rhinoplasty consultations (can you imagine the Party Crash photos?). Then again, had we actually attempted to attend said event, we likely would have left with a nasty case of bulimia:

Serena Bass, celeb caterer and high-profile event planner, held a cocktail party early on Monday night at the W Hotel Times Square in honor of her first book, <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1584793473/104-5266957-3

841522?v=glance">Serena, Food & Stories: Feeding Friends Every Hour of the Day. While we'd never feed our friends (seeing as we can barely manage to feed ourselves), Serena gives good reading and shared a flavorful, whimsical tale of entertaining the most gorgeous man she ever laid eyes on. No, not Jeffrey Steingarten, the Vogue food critic (seen chatting with Serena above) who you may remember as being <a href="http://www.gawker.com/news/media/jeffrey-steingarten-needs-help-018243

.php">the perfect boss. After the jump, Andrew Krucoff and photographer Laren Spirer present the evening in pictures.

If your dog walked on two legs ("Like a little person!"), you might send an email to your friends telling them about it. And they might even find it amusing.

1)It was the year of re-mixing and mish-mashing. The New York Times Magazine told us so! Must be why APT hosts the funk/soul/hip-hop stylings of KC the Funkaholic and DJ Antal tonight. [Rude Movements]

Can a novelty song be next? ("I Shot the href"? "You Better Link"? "Who Let the Blogs Out"? Kill... us... now?)

From deep inside the bowels (har har) of the Condé Nast Building comes this desperate plea:

We don't plan on making a habit of leaving our blogging hovel, but we just returned from a leisurely lunch at Paramount's cafeteria. (Please, before you get any crazy ideas, we were eating in the downscale section, looking forlornly through a couple of panes of glass at the fancy people in the executive dining room.)