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· Can we just crown Joe Simpson (the father, manager, and puppet-master of popsters Jessica and Ashlee) the creepiest fucking person on earth? He refers to Jessica's breasts as practically unstoppable and claims Ashlee has "more depth" than Cameron Diaz or Meg Ryan. [Page Six]
· Tennis star Anna Kournikova has reportedly wed singer Enrique Inglesias in a private ceremony in Mexico. We hope her new role as a beard goes better than her tennis career. [NYDN]
· Oh my GAWD, Babs' colon is in dire straits! Streisand will be going under the knife to remove a polyp in her colon. [R&M]
· Restauranteur Karim Amatullah gets into a brawl with two models at hotspot Butter, which sends Lindsay Lohan and the Olsen twins running for cover. And to think, our barely-legal pixies thought Butter was their refuge. [Page Six]
· Jacob the Jeweler's 57th St. boutique opening served as a venue for a tense showdown between singer Ashanti and rapper 50 Cent. [Lowdown]
· Tara Reid: still talking her career into the ground. [Scoop]