We present the four-day box-office estimates only because we've been drunk for the last four days. Today, we're paying the tab on that holiday weekend bender. Michelob Ultra is a cruel mistress.
Take a break from barbecues and low-carb beer and enjoy the wonders of cinema on this holiday weekend.
We admit it: We were wrong, we were wrong, we were wrong. But what do we know? We're still driving around in a 1983 Jetta with a Mondale/Ferraro bumper sticker.
Not everyone is a "Hollywood Liberal" with a hard-on for forking over their money to Michael Moore. So for the more rightward leaning in our midst, here's how we see the weekend playing out, with an eye on where to spend your conservative box-office dollar.
What the hell happened to America's love affair with Tom Hanks?
You know the following box office numbers are a lock, so why fight it?
These are the numbers that allow a grieving nation a chance to move on:
Take refuge from the wall-to-wall mourning in the air conditioned comfort of your local cinemaplex, in exactly the proportions listed below:
These are the numbers that will make the passing of an elderly ex-President sting a bit less:
This is exactly what's going to happen at the movies this weekend:
America celebrated Memorial Day Weekend by going to the movies in record numbers. Hollywood thanks great American memorials everywhere for inspiring the historically-lucrative turnout.
Why spend the weekend enjoying time with friends, chilling by the pool, or eating burgers when you can be lining Hollywood's pockets?
The Monday morning numbers are the only cure for our debilitating Vegas hangover.
You can thank us on Monday for these fearless, eerily-accurate predictions.
Yesterday, DreamWorks issued a press release praising the opening day sales for Shrek 2, which set the rather arcane box office record for a "midweek opening of an animated feature." Thanks for the info, DreamWorks! We were tossing and turning all night, wondering if you had a better Wednesday than Finding Nemo. Hopefully we'll open the trade papers this morning and see a full-page ad declaring, "DreamWorks is thrilled to report the hours of kundalini yoga have finally paid off! We actually got our own dicks in our mouths!" This, of course, would include a picture of DW head Jeffery Katzenberg executing the maneuver that so few actually pull off without severe spine damage.
