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We present the four-day box-office estimates only because we've been drunk for the last four days. Today, we're paying the tab on that holiday weekend bender. Michelob Ultra is a cruel mistress.

1. Spider-Man 2 — $115.8 million
Yes, it's made about $180 million since opening on Wednesday, almost covering its reported $200 million budget. But it only made $88 million from Friday to Sunday, about $26 million less than the first Spider-Man's record opening. Fire everybody! Stuff Tobey's spider-package for the third movie! Please, something needs to be done about this abject failure.

2. Fahrenheit 9/11 — $21 million
Michael Moore has apparently gone insane from the wild success of F 9/11, spouting non-sequiturs at Hollywood premieres.

3. White Chicks — $12 million
Inevitable porno spin-off: White Chicks With Black Dicks

4. DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story — $10.4 million
Since we're a little tired of trying to think up things to say about this movie, how about a little ad hominem attack? That Ben Stiller sure likes to work out, doesn't he? We suppose that if we were four-foot-seven, we'd hit the weight room too. Being "normal height" gives us a license to get nice and fat. Take that, tiny, cut-like-a-diamond millionaire!

5. The Notebook — $10.3 million
Some of you seemed disturbed at our admission that we really don't know anything about this movie. So we went out and saw it. A summary, just so you know we're putting the right amount of attention into our projections: It's a story of love and loss, of man and woman, and in the commercial, it looks like there's some making out in the rain.