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You know the following box office numbers are a lock, so why fight it?

1. The Terminal — $34 million
Tom Hanks could open a cameraphone video about puppy strangulation at number one.

2. DodgeBall: A True Underdog Story — $25 million
This was really the last straw with the Fox marketing department's utter overkill in the promotion of this movie: Yesterday, we saw an ESPN segment with Ben Stiller about his love for the sport of dodgeball. God help us all if the movie opens badly...by the end of next week, you'll be seeing dog shit on the sidewalk branded with the DodgeBall logo.

3. Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban — $19 million
Everyone's talking about director Alfonso Cuaron's very subtle homage to his film Y Tu Mama Tambien hidden in Potter, but we didn't find the shot of Harry and Ron Weasley jerking off on a diving board to be all that understated.

4. The Chronicles of Riddick — $14 million
Vin Diesel's constant, "helpful" suggestions that a tight, white tank-top, cut-off denim shorts, and rollerblades would make Riddick seem more "future-y" were ultimately not adopted by the film's wardrobe department.

5. Around the World In 80 Days — $12 million
Something's gotta come in fifth. And to be perfectly honest, we finally got tired of that ogre cock joke.