You're a little sore this morning after your Earth Day celebration in the back of the Prius with those two vegans you met at the rally (Which rally, you ask? The one with the hippies, wiseass.) worked some muscle groups you haven't used in a while. And as you know by now, there is no better analgensic than the weekend box office numbers.
You've returned the bunny costume to the rental house and somehow recovered your entire deposit despite some stubborn blood stains. You deserve the box office numbers!
You may have woken up on the bathroom floor this morning, praying for a swift death, but we know what kept you from answering your own prayer by flushing your head down the toilet: the knowledge that the box office numbers were waiting for you at work. Enjoy.
· After three weeks at the top of the box office in Hong Kong, Eight Below star Paul Walker's march towards international superstardom seems more inevitable than ever. [Variety]
· In other news involving huge international stars, John Stamos joins ER (apparently still on TV!) with a full-time gig as "a flirtatious paramedic who also is a medical student and a Gulf War veteran." Yeah, that sounds about right. [THR]
· New Line plans an interactive "Thrill Ride" edition of the Final Destination 3 DVD—think Choose Your Own Adventure, but instead of being captured by a suspicious old miner, you suffer a ridiculous and gruesome death at the hands of Fate. [Variety]
· Deal or No Deal continues to mystify us with its success, drawing 17.5 million viewers last night. Fox is rumored to be in the planning stages of its obligatory hybrid knockoff, Celebrities Screaming At Briefcases Full of Money. (We're going to keep making that "screaming at briefcases" joke until America comes to its senses and banishes Howie Mandel to QVC.) [THR]
· When two things you don't care about collide: French strikes affect the MIP international TV market meetings. [Variety]
The bad news: Hollywood didn't burn down over the weekend, taking your cubicle, desk, and job with it. The good news: The box office numbers are still here, too.
Like waking up from a gutshot-induced coma to find your loving family assembled at your bedside and your taste of the Colombian bloodbath nearby in a fat manila envelope, the weekend box office numbers:
The Pink Panther tops V for Vendetta at the UK box office, where moviegoers apparently preferred to watch Steve Martin destroy a beloved movie franchise to seeing a masked terrorist blow up Parliament. [Variety]
Weinstein Co. picks up the North American rights to the Beatrix Potter biopic Miss Potter, starring Renee Zellweger, Ewan McGregor and Emily Watson, giving Zellweger still another chance to show off the British accent she used in the Bridget Jones movies. [THR]
Damage control double-feature: Variety ponders the unfair judgment of Brad Grey's Paramount before any of his new regime's movies are released. [Variety] Twice. [Variety]
Still more hott pilot casting action: Catherine Bell and Gary Cole in CBS drama Company Town; Mercedes Ruehl in untitled CBS Paul Reiser comedy; Rena Sofer in ABC's Mr. Nice Guy; Kevin Hart joins CBS comedy The Weekend. [THR]
Fox resurrects King of the Hill for another year, a show they had long ago left for dead, while giving another two years to The Simpsons, a show that may still be cranking out fresh episodes long after all of our bones have turned to dust. [Variety]
Like a field of sunflowers blooming just for you on this Monday morning, the weekend's box office numbers:
Like an unexpected gut-shot from an Alzheimer's-afflicted mobster uncle, the weekend box office numbers:
The following movies will have no bearing on next year's Oscar race (except one of the films starring Paul Walker, a dark horse for his fine work supporting some huskies in Eight Below):
On this holiday morning, celebrate the birth of your favorite dead president with a somber meditation on the weekend box office numbers:
Instead of the usual, brief meditation on the oppressive drudgery of the coming work week, how about some positivity this morning? Find your nearest coworker, and while locked in a big bear hug, assure each other that this week can't possibly be as bad as the last.
As you settle back into your corporate veal stalls for another week of fantasizing about possibly one day sticking it to the Man, we must briefly interrupt your reverie with news that Mark is out on secret assignment (oh, what s the harm he s shooting Fear Factor: Bloggers Edition, sinking his teeth into a steaming plate of Schnauzer ovaries as we speak). It will therefore just be Seth at the helm today, adding his soaring harmonies to the gigantic sucking sound that is Monday morning (rendered all the suckier if you had dough on the Seahawks). To help ease down that bitter pill, have a spoonful of box office numbers:
Nothing can quash the rebellion of a Monday morning breakfast burrito against your stomach lining more ruthlessly than a fizzy glass of the weekend box office numbers:
Like a mother sparrow dropping worm segments into the hungry, outstretched beaks of its screeching baby brood, we regurgitate for you the weekend's box office numbers. Nourish yourselves.
The weekend is tantalizingly close, and so are your beckoning local multiplexes, where any of the following quality motion pictures are available for your viewing enjoyment (unless of course, your local multiplex is owned by Larry H. Miller). Study the following predictions, confident in the fact that ever since a one-eyed gypsy woman slapped us in the forehead, we have rarely been wrong:
· Welcome to Cancellation Town, population Heather Graham and John Stamos: ABC extends its "unplanned hiatus" for Emily's Reasons Why Not and Jake in Progress for at least two more weeks, and doesn't know when or if it'll show the remaining unaired episodes. [Variety]
· ...Meanwhile, Fox puts down Malcom in the Middle, sending Frankie Muniz into his movie career full-time. [THR]
· Finally, closure: Glory Road ends up edging out Hoodwinked for the weekend's number one spot after all, by a Jerry-Bruckheimer-farts-and-more-money-than-this-falls-out margin of $48k. [Variety]
· American Idol's deranged talent show of the absurd pulls in an amazing 35 million viewers. The other networks might as well run test patterns and snow on Idol night and save themselves some pain. [THR]
· New Paramount Classic honcho John Lesher, the huggingest exec in town, throws his arms around producer Scott Rudin, director Paul Thomas Anderson, and star Daniel Day-Lewis for There Will Be Blood, loosely based on a 1927 Upton Sinclair novel. [Variety]
· Not so fast, Glory Road! The Weinstein Co.'s Hoodwinked squeezes past Jerry Bruckheimer's uplifting basketball flick at the MLK holiday weekend box office. [Variety]
· David Chase says this is the last season of The Sopranos, no matter how much money HBO throws at him to stretch out the series into "bonus" mini-seasons. No, for real this time! [THR]
· CBS Corp. officially changes the name of its studio arm to CBS Paramount Television. Meanwhile, Brad Grey is considering starting a new TV division over at the real Paramount, which we're sure will be something suitably retaliatory, like Paramount Pictures' Fuck CBS TV. [Variety]
· X-Files creator Chris Carter sues 20th Century Fox TV for breach of contract, contractual interference and other claims over funds he claims to be owed. He alleges that 20th reneged on their deal because the terms were "too favorable" to Carter, i.e., they forgot to include the proper, obscure contract language to thoroughly but legally screw him out of money. [THR]
· Moving the Golden Globes to Monday to avoid the oncoming Nielsen freight train of Desperate Housewives pays off, with NBC winning the night despite a challenge from 24. [Variety]
· Yahoo! might be planning to revive the long-shelved ABC/Live Planet (Affleck and Damon) project The Runner as a Web-centered event. Original concept was a reality TV show with a "runner" trying to avoid capture by viewers in the real world, but now may reward any person spotting Ben Affleck coming from any meaningful meeting at a Hollywood studio with a cash prize. [Variety]
· Narnia finish first at the international box office for a fourth consecutive weekend, pushing its foreign take to $319 million, and its overall haul inches towards the $600 million mark. Disney is rumored to be considering plans for 58 Narnia-based sequels. [THR]
· Inspiring basketball drama Glory Road wins the MLK holiday weekend box office with $13.5 million, edging out inspiring Queen-Latifah-has-a-terminal-disease comedy Last Holiday. [Variety]
· Brokeback Mountain puts on its chaps and rides into some smaller cities, taking in $5.8 million in 683 theaters. It can't be long now before kids in small towns start showing off their Brokeback lunchbox/thermos sets at recess. [Variety]
Rub the sleep from the corners of your bleary eyes, take a swig of palate-scorching coffee, and glance at the Monday morning box office numbers:
