Monday Morning Box Office: Biting The Ball Gag Of Success
Rub the sleep from the corners of your bleary eyes, take a swig of palate-scorching coffee, and glance at the Monday morning box office numbers:
1. Hostel—$20.1 million
We hereby officially apologize to Hostel star Jay Hernandez, whose career we mistakenly declared on the wane based on a production still featuring the actor biting down on a ball gag like his SAG health insurance depended on it. Surely now, as the interchangeable star of a number one slasher movie, his agent will return his calls, if only to remind him that the contract he signed stipulates Hernandez has to spend much of the next two years starring in sequels (assuming his character lived) for scale plus ten percent.
2. The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe—$15.4 million
3. King Kong–$12.5 million
These films will always be inextricably linked in our minds, brave warriors doing battle during the 2005 holiday season, both featuring fierce beasts (spoiler alert, duh) biting the dust. And while we were kind of disappointed that Kong didn't consummate his physical relationship with Naomi Watts (what chemistry!), we were quite relieved that Aslan did not take young Peter's innocence. What was our point again? Probably something about how easy it is to slip into tired bestiality jokes while half asleep on Monday morning.
4. Fun With Dick and Jane–$12.2 million
...But as long as we're on the subject of screwing the pooch, Dick and Jane is now only about $20 million short of its reported $100 million production budget.
5. Cheaper by the Dozen 2–$8.3 million
Inspired by a recent viewing of Munich, Steve Martin plans on spending the next year hunting down and killing the agents, managers, and producers who talked him into doing lame family movie remakes by convincing him that he wouldn't look like he was selling his credibility for a few million bucks.