· Remember when Rosie O'Donnell was deep in the closet — back when she'd go crazy on journalists who even wrote about "the rumors"? This week, she married her girlfriend in San Francisco. We can only hope someone tossed rice up Rosie's nose as she was leaving City Hall.
· Ed Reilly, Jayson Blair's publisher's lawyer, has been itching for a chance to sue anybody, anywhere, anytime if he doesn't like the way they look at Jayson's book across the room. His charge today: the New York Times ordered a copy of the Blair book off Amazon and quoted from it, which thereby violated embargo, and thereby infringed Jayson's copyright. What a freakin' idiot. Look out, he'll sue you if you use the fucking book as a coaster for your beer.
· There's a movement afoot to "Dump the Book Babes." If you share that same hatred of perky book-lovin' ladies, you can sign the petition here.

· Deep, important-looking statistical analysis used to handicap the Oscars.
· Rosie O'Donnell is getting married.
· Why did Entertainment Weekly fire Joel Stein? He's not really clear.
· Esquire goes down on Mark Ruffalo.

· Mel Gibson — and IMDB — give credit to God for the novel on which Gibson's Passion was based. We knew when Charlie Kaufman gave his imaginary twin brother co-writing credit on Adaptation that it was a shitty precedent. [IMDB]
· Fiddler on the Roof: now with the most goyim ever! [NYP]
· Paris Hilton's home pornographer Rick Salomon claims he had sex with Drew Barrymore when she was 15. [NYP]
· Oscar nominee Jude Law endorses Sean Penn over himself. He loooooves him. He wants to marry him. [NYDN]
· PETA will protest Mel Gibson's Passion in Union Square tonight. If you're heading that way, carry organ meats with which to pelt them. [NYDN]

· W magazine closet thief nabbed and fired. [NYP]
· Shocking revelation: reality shows are packaged in editing to make narrative drama. An apartment-renter from last week's Apprentice comes forward to tell the all-important truth. [NYP]
· Barbara Bush II: not a Republican, but totally a party skank. Related: White House forbids her partying with her walker. [NYDN] and [NY]
· Henry Blodget, former inflator of internet stocks, pays too much for a lead-paint tainted apartment. Everyone point and laugh. [NY]
· If Alec Baldwin were black, he'd be Eldridge Cleaver. Let's lock him up and find out. [NYP]

How'd everybody's fame do this week?

The NY Post has been particularly blind-item crazy this last week. I'm terrible at guessing them — I figure every TV actor has sex with their dog who is also their gay second cousin. But, like Richard Dawson, I'm always looking for your top ten answers on the board:

· Us Weekly claims that David Gest is getting married — possibly to Diana Ross. I peed.
· How would Alex Polier's Friendster profile fare on American Idol?
· Tina Brown will miss Sex and the City way more than you will.

· Donald Trump doesn't actually fire anyone himself — he pays people to fire them for him. But who will fire the firers? [NYP]
· Britney Spears, homewrecker. Idiot dancer tells all about his hot night of not having sex with Britney and how it ruined his marriage. [NYDN, 3rd item.]
· Janice Dickinson becomes the first model to write more than one book. In this one, she makes out with JFK, Jr. and blows Charlie Sheen's coke. [NYP]
· I would excerpt something from Ted Casablanca today, but he has finally become absolutely unintelligible. If anyone can glean the three actual gossip items out of this rambling mess, drop me an email. Dear Bruce, err, I mean, "Ted": rein it in, lady. English is your friend. [E!]

· Rick Salomon claims to the Daily News that he's taken in $17,500,000 in the last week off the full length Paris Hilton sex tape. Riiiiight. [NYP]
· Everyone's talking about the "romance" between young Barbara Bush and now-not-quite-It-Boy Fabian Basabe, but Cindy Adams is the only one who'll say anything useful: "Those of us familiar with his MO certify he's light on his feet." Glad that one made it through legal. [NYP]

· The registration page for Jayson-Blair.com. [via New Yorkish.]
· Fresh Direct comes to the Lower East Side: cheap hipsters unanimously refuse to order anything.
· Deputy Mayor Carol Robles-Roman has had the much-abused sirens stripped from her car. Also, she's no longer allowed to drive on the shoulder of the West Side Highway. She sounds fun.

· Penthouse Pet claims The Donald wined her, dined her, and tried to do her; Donald says he doesn't know her and that "she looks like a third-rate hooker." [NYDN]
· Tabloid queen Bonnie Fuller is sick of staffers playing that time-wasting "Google game" on the internotweb. [NYP]
· Jersey Girl, starring Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, gears up for a long, hard PR campaign to convince people to sit through the Gigli reunion. [NYDN]
· Plum Sykes can't seem to sell the film rights to her 2003 book, Bergdorf Blondes. [NY]
· Time Inc. mag editor-in-chief Norman Pearlstine is splitting with wife Nancy Friday, author of Men In Love, a disturbing look at male fantasies — evidently none as disturbing as Norman's. [NYP]

Just a little thank-you to the advertisers who kept me in skim milk half-caf smack this week:
· Warner Brothers: Secret Machines.
· The New School, Greenwich Village.
· Brooklyn Academy of Music: Theatre for a New Audience production of Shakespeare's Pericles, directed by Bartlett Sher.
· Vernacular Press: Anthology of an American Girl.

Fuck Hallmark [You, Yes You, via My Brilliant Mistakes]

· John F. Kennedy, Jr., blamed his inability to stand up to David Pecker — Pecker was the publisher of George, is now tabloid king at AMI — on his "fatherless upbringing." [NYDN]
· Harvey cancels annual Miramax post-Oscar party, reserves night for beating interns and shooting at assistants. [NYP]
· Is Courtney Love the Judy Garland of our generation? [NYP]
· Heidi Klum: single and preggers. Ms. Klum couldn't be reached on the party line at her trailer park for comment. [NYDN

Rachel Elder's totally over today's manipulative post-sensitive man, those little men-children who never grew up:

· I keep forgetting to mention it because, well, I was so ultimately unsurprised. The annual Pazz n Jop poll is out.
· Make your own New York Post headline.
· BYOB restaurant list.

· Full-length pay-per-view Paris Hilton sex tape finally hits the internet. (Definitely more on this later, I'm sorry to say.) [NYP]
· Novelist (and former infidel) Salman Rushdie to wed for fourth time — to bride he met at the Talk launch party on Liberty Island. At least something lasting came of that evening. [NYDN]
· PR woman Susan Blond quits representing Heeb Magazine, offended by pics of the Virgin Mary with nipple rings. [NYP]
· Lara Flynn Boyle breaks her nose fleeing paparazzi, instead of breaking paparazzo's noses. [NYDN]

· MTV is desperately seeking self-hating Asians.
· You know they timed this story for fashion week: Dr. Atkins, fat as a house.
· Director Todd Haynes's odd I'm Not There Bob Dylan pic (featuring different women and men playing Dylan) sold to Paramount.

This week's New Yorker found one of our favorite stupid obsessions: the freaks who are sponsoring a $2500-prize competition to name their nasty lamb-hut at St. Mark's and Third Avenue. We were thinking "What to Barf Up as You Party Next Door at Continental," but I hear that's taken.

· Bloomberg's Smoking Fiasco scandal grows. Remember when mayors used to be closeted homos, or, you know, fun? Bloomberg is so boring he's singlehandedly sucking the scandal out of City Hall. [NYP]
· Simple Life 2, doin' it trailer-stylee. [NYDN]
· Richboy Brandon Davis gets kicked in the nuts by mafia-child Andre Bonnano. Sweet. [NYP]
· Anna Nicole Smith is a shocking size 10. [NYP]