· If you are in the least surprised that Captain Morgan's rum-addled mascot has a blog, you haven't been paying attention to much of anything for the past year. [The Captain's Blog]
· Inside the making of Peeps: "No photos are allowed of the machinery that actually pumps the marshmallow into the right shape. That's top secret." [MSN]
· P. Diddy says hip hop has made wireless the business it is. [WaPo]
· Britney's boy toy smells worse than you thought. [Star]

One more reason our neighbors to the north are nerdier than we are: According to Playbill, the Lord of the Rings musical (yes, the Lord of the Rings musical) will debut in Toronto, which you may have seen in a number of movies playing "New York."

Good news abounds! It's come to our attention that Bijou Phillips has abandoned her former hobbies of stabbing and hair-pulling in favor of a more peaceful life of nip-slipping. If you dare click the picture at right (NSFW and disturbingly high-res), you'll see that Bijou's nip bears none of the visible disfiguration we've come to know and fear. Aren't you proud of your little Bijou for keeping it real? Now go enjoy the image while you can, 'cause once Bijou catches you, she gonna cut you.

· Write about what you know, they say. And by "they," we mean "real writers." No surprise, then, that former Larry Flynt Publications copyeditor Lydia Millet has a new book out about an alcoholic pornographer and a religious fundamentalist. She reads at Stain Bar in Billyburg tonight. [flavorpill]
· Do you care about social security? Neither do we, it's for poor people. Oh, wait, we're totally poor. Shit. We should listen to Times columnist Paul Krugman and Michael Tanner of the CATO Institute talk about whether or not a Social Security crisis is on the horizon. Betcha can guess where this one is headed. [SS]
· Ashlee Simpson sings — or doesn't sing, as the case may be — at Hammerstein Ballroom tonight. Oh, just get drunk and go. You know you want to. But don't expect us not to point and laugh. [Paper]

We're sure the good people over at the uncomfortably-titled RapeMap organization mean well with their map of unsafe areas, but since those areas seem to be defined more or less as "Williamsburg," this strikes us as yet another compelling reason to stay in Manhattan. Between the angular mohawks, the dangerous tree-lined streets, the errant strollers, the bickering couples, and, apparently, the frenzied rapists, Brooklyn has become an epicenter of dangerous activity.

Reason number 14,578 to love Craigslist: The unsolicited, anonymous rant:

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Chuck Klosterman haters, prepare your spleens. According to Done Deal, the culture critic you love to hate is going Hollywood:

We're not saying Nicole Richie fell off the wagon. No, we'd never make that sort of insinuation. But if she did ditch the sober life, we suppose she'd get her fix from a random dude in an empty parking lot. Not that anything like that is going on in these pictures. She's just a fan of Porsches parked in desolate locations, we swear. Or maybe this guy is just feeding her, like a baby bird. She does look kind of hungry.

Haven't had enough of Paris Hilton? Are her constant, desperate, vagina-fuelled antics leaving you wanting more? Do you wish that you could watch Paris act like a twat all the time — while you're driving, eating, even shitting? Yeah? Then you're in luck:

Today's court-ordered Michael Jackson post comes via Panopticist's Andrew Hearst, who posts an EBN-esque video of Michael Jackson's 1993 public statement about being interrogated and photographed nude by police. It really must be seen to be believed.

The Globe and Mail has a report from Bloomberg about National Lampoon, Inc.'s filing for an IPO. According to the article:

Ashton and Demi aren't the only string-loving, fowl celebrities who may be expecting. According to The New York Times, Pale Male and Lola might be creating a couple of future celebutantes.

While the Astor Place cube undergoes some "emergency repairs," NYU graduate students have erected (heh — had to) a PVC pipe rendering in its memory. As of last night, the piece (dubbed the jelloCube, for whatever reason) was still standing — but can it survive the morning crush from Starbucks? Let's hope so, as the poor kids actually spent $97.56 of their own money on this thing.

If the recent slew of celebrity breakups hasn't completely destroyed your will to drink, allow us to help you acheive that morning blackout you've so been craving: DEMI MOORE IS CARRYING THE SPAWN OF ASHTON KUTCHER.

Really, how can UPN screw up a Wonder Years-esque sitcom about Chris Rock's childhood called Everybody Hates Chris?

From Craig's List:

You couldn't pay us to watch American Idol (okay, maybe you could pay us — although it'd have to be a lot), but finalist Mario Vazquez has bowed out of the competition and the Gays are all atwitter. Why did the pretty Bronx boy quit after securing a spot in the top 12? Some theories:

· Welsh fake ghetto rap crew Goldie Lookin' Chains scored their breakout single with "Guns Don't Kill People, Rappers Do." Headz up, Fiddy and Game. They bring the ruckus with Stanford pretty boy MC Lars tonight at Mercury Lounge. [flavorpill]
· Demetri Martin wants to make you laugh and, if he doesn't, he might cut you. He won the Perrier Award at the Edinburgh Theater Festival, so we assume there'll be no need for violence. He performs tonight at the Upright Citizens Brigade theater. [Upcoming]
· Coldplay JV squad Embrace bring their, um, Coldplay-esque sound tonight to Bowery Ballroom. The lead singer's kid is named Orangina, too. We're not kidding. But oh, how we wish we were. [BB]

In a bitter twist of fate that has us laughing until our undies are offensively soiled, Greg Lindsay is helming Gridskipper for the week. (Think of Gridskipper as Denton's little gangbang, with multiple editors having a turn at her.) While we naturally welcome Greg to the fold with open, scrawny arms, we also have to wonder where this latest gig lands on the Greg Lindsay Career Trajectory Chart of Freelance Magic. From Women's Wear Daily to sleeping in airports to blogging? At least Greg can finally work at home, naked. Media dreams do come true. Sucka.