All joking aside, there's a distinct possibility that Demi Moore may be carrying Ashton Kutcher's cackleberry (we refuse to believe otherwise — fuck you, reality!) and, if there's one thing we love, it's celebrity babies. They're so tiny and cute and rich!

You were up all night, weren't you, wondering about mysterious (and dreamy) American Idol dropout Mario Vazquez. That's okay, we're kinda gay too. And so is Roger Friedman, as he's got the latest:

Panel Chairman Scolds Baseball on Steroids [AP, Yahoo]
Major League [IMDB]

· And the stereotypical undergrad award goes to Julia Stiles, who will be starring in an adaptation of The Bell Jar, which she also plans to produce. NB to Stiles: I was lazy and unoriginal, so I wrote my senior thesis on Plath. Look where I ended up. Move on. [Page Six]
· Brittany Murphy denies that she owes her skeletal body weight to cocaine use. Oh, Brittany, you make us laugh and laugh and laugh! [R&M (2nd item)]
· Jane Fonda... Ex-husband... Forced orgies... Head exploding... [Page Six]
· No Lowdown today; we hear Lloyd Grove is home sick, as his body is recovering from what we assume was a nasty run-in with some Tikka Masala. Stay away from the creamy stuff, Lloyd, and get well soon.

Wondering what to buy Ashton and Demi to congratulate them on their upcoming release? Why not get them a robot crack baby!

Yeah, we know your type: beat-up cowboy boots, pink tights, vintage Balenciaga military coat shredded to look like you found it in a dumpster. You think just because you blew some rails off a Boyracer test pressing, you're hip? Think again. Unless you're reading Gothamist, NYHappenings, or Manicmess, you're just another poseur:

Robert Blake is not guilty and I'm sitting at MSNBC, waiting for BREAKING BLOG COVERAGE of the Blake verdict. I'm on call, people. I'm in the trenches. And I just pissed on my hands to stay warm.
Update: Nothing doing. But I'll stick around, just in case they need me to say "ah..." and "um..." on camera.

During cross-examination by Jackson defense attorney Thomas Mesereau Jr., the young accuser, a cancer survivor, denied ever speaking directly to Leno but said he once placed a call to the comedian from a hospital and left a message on an answering machine. But in what appears to be a transcript of an interview with officials from the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Department, Leno appears to contradict the alleged victim's testimony and tells investigators the boy's mother put him on the phone to speak to him. Leno said the conversation made him suspicious. -Jay Leno Appears to Contradict Jackson Accuser [ABC News]

· Evidently, the city of Venice is slowly sinking or something. Who knew? The filmakers of The Venetian Dilemma, that's who. They talk about their movie, which catalogues the battle between local opposing interests about what's best for the city, at Film Forum tonight. [flavorpill]
· Daily Show writers and New Yorker cartoonists display their stuff that didn't quite make the cut at the Rejection Show tonight. No, those doodles you drew on your TPS report last week don't qualify you for participation. [PS122]
· Non-Brazilian outfit Brazilian Girls perform at Bowery Ballroom tonight. Go check out the hype! Oh yeah, they were written about in the New York Times art section last week. Be faster next time, sucker. [BB]

When dreaming up self-promotional gimmicks to get some attention in Hollywood, some think big—billboard big. And some think very, very small. Like PennySaver ad small, which is how a reader found markhoxie.com. We visited the site, expecting a direct, "Jay the Writer"-style experience, with a list of projects and pitches; instead, we found paragraph upon paragraph of explanations of the writing impulse, a personal history, and a photo gallery (which, ironically, is there to allay the reader's fear that "this guy's crazy").

Over on CNN.com, a writer for the Associated Press takes a long, hard look at Slipknot, "the angry band with the scary masks." (Hey, that's their headline, not ours.) Apparently Slipknot—whose members wear fright masks and numbered jumpsuits—isn't gimicky. They're serious. Crazy serious:

While the election of Vicente Fox was seen as a major step in Mexico's move out of the third world, the cycle has been completed with the arrival of Paris Hilton. Our international operative reports:

In today's New York Times 'Metro' section, there's an article about charges against Rosario Dawson being dropped after she was arrested at an anti-RNC rally last year. Dawson was apparently filming a scene for a movie when she got popped.

Mario Vazquez, the American Idol finalist who will go down in the history of the last 15 minutes for quitting the show for "personal reasons," has abandoned those "personal reasons" just long enough to hit the publicity circuit. In the meantime, American Idol producers insist that there's no shady backstory. As one of the 24 finalists, he signed some sort of contract a few weeks ago and, as such, the Gays aren't buying into any innocent theories:

On Monday, we printed an email from a reader about an encounter with TV's David Cross at the East Village bar, 2A.

From left to right, a tragedy in three parts. Click each to enlarge.

· Sarah Michelle Gellar storms away from the William Morris Agency after she was served some choice insults from agency president Dave Wirtschafter in the latest New Yorker. Nobody puts Buffy in a corner, Dave. [Page Six]
· Demi Moore's reps invoke the classic denial, plus the "I only know what she tells me" line when questioned about her rumored pregnancy. We've said it a hundred times, but we'll say it again: no means yes! [R&M (2nd item)]
· This one's a stretch, but David Hillenbrand (who wrote some SpongeBob lyrics for the movie) has cast gangbang queen Jasmin St. Claire in National Lampoon's Dorm Daze 2. Somehow, this makes SpongeBob controversial, but we don't follow. [Page Six]
· Marc Anthony is paparazzi-shy, but J.Lo still loves the cameras. Let the Race From The Altar begin! [Lowdown (2nd to last)]

Say what you will about Michael Jackson, he was always an original. Until now.

If you thought the hacking of Paris Hilton's Sidekick was a serious blow to the privacy and security of your idols, prepare yourself for more heartbreak: some terrible, evil lowlife has stolen Gideon Yago's laptop.

Working at Maxim pulls a lot of weight on Craigslist. If Felix Dennis could feel anything, the following would make him proud: