Friday:
• Brazilians celebrate their independence today with various parties throughout New York City. Hopefully things remain a little less stabby than PR Day. [flavorpill]
• Jamie Stewart's lyrics as Xiu Xiu singer have got it all goin' on for the summer: A bit of depression here, some child abuse there, homosexual angst, and suicidal tendencies to boot. Hop on the party train at Bowery Ballroom tonight. [Paper]
Saturday:
• If you can't be drunk on a beach, here's the second best option: Ian Williams, author of Rum: A Social and Sociable History of the Real Spirit of 1776, discusses his book on Governors Island today. Bring a flask of Bacardi and it'll be just like the Vineyard. [flavorpill]
• Didn't go to Queens for the last P.S. 1 of the summer? Don't want to hop on the 7 to check out the U.S. Open in Flushing? Luckily, the kind souls at American Express are willing to accomodate your laziness: They roll out big screen TVs at the World Financial Center and Madison Square Park to broadcast live tennis coverage.
Sunday:
• Party like you're at Star Room with 100% less beach but 50% more self-loathing at GBH's Holiday Party bash at Marquee. If not, make a last ditch effort to get the hell out of town. [Upcoming]

• Time Out notes that Nicolas Roeg's Don't Look Now contains one of the most "erotic sex scenes ever filmed." Whatever you need to take your mind off of hurricanes and whatnot. 6:15pm, Walter Reade Theater. [TONY]
• Dance, mime, anime, cartoon, video, Japanimation — "X Kills Y and Vice Versa" is a veritable medicine cabinet of artistic media. But BYO Vicodin, because the medicine cabinet is just a bad metaphor we thought of. 8:00pm, The Chocolate Factory Theater. [flavorpill]
• Louis XIV lets Ike Reilley eat cake at Irving Plaza; let us make terrible, historical puns at the expense of our own self-respect. [Paper]

• William Eggleston, Flavorpill says, is often called the "father of color photography" — famous for his ability to "capture the photogenically tragic moments of the American South." We assume the documentary William Eggleston in the Real World isn't his paean to idiot whore Trishelle, but we can always hope. [flavorpill]
• In tonight's installment of How to Kick People, titled "Missed Connections," two Jons (Friedman and Ames), a Jesse (Hartman) and an Ophira (Eisenberg) ruminate on, well, we're not quite sure. But it's sure to be funny and witty and clever and other assorted glowing adjectives. [HtKP]
• The 1954 film Salt of the Earth is the only blacklisted film ever in American film history. It's tale of mine workers on strike is sure to warm the cockles of your pinko heart. [Paper]

We've long been irrationally obsessed with the cheaply-attired superheroes and movie characters who stalk the section of Hollywood Boulevard in front the Chinese Theatre, corralling tourists for uncomfortably posed, five-dollar Polaroids. LAist feeds our obsession, overhearing this conversation across the street from the Chinese:

We've long heralded Craigslist as a an invaluable tool for all kinds of Hollywood professionals, from those looking for some help in the casting process to those seeking an assist from the kind of discreet go-getters that can only be contacted through an anonymous personal ad. CL once again amazes with its seemingly neverending utility, this time greasing the wheels of the arduous indie film location scouting process:

• Our favorite overtly perverted, certifiably batshit insane rapper Kool Keith performs at SOBs tonight. Bring your raincoat. [flavorpill]
• Alec Ounswirth, lead singer of Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (insert Talking Heads reference...here) performs at Mercury Lounge tonight sans bandmates. At least theoretically: rumor has it the remaining members of CYHSY may just show up. [Paper ]
• Oh, those crazy Jews are at it again: Makor hosts a "Spelling Bee for Non-Children," with categories ranging from disease names to band names. Don't forget there's more than one correct way to spell "Hanukkah." [92Y]

• Precocious literary talent (or at least precocious offspring of literary talent) Nick McDonell reads from his new book at the Half King tonight. Oh, to have parents in high places. [Half King]
• Punky biopic We Jam Econo: The Story of the Minutemen opened on Friday, but Flavorpill has dubbed today Minuteman Monday. Whatever — utter disregard for dates is totes punk. [flavorpill]
• For all eleven sports fans out there, the U.S. Open starts today. New blue courts, same names we can't pronounce, more short skirts than you can shake your meat stick at. [USO]

• What would happen if an epidemic of organ failures resulted in the frentic harvesting of human organs, collected by brutal genetic repo men? Check out REPO! The Genetic Opera tonight at Wings Theatre to find out. Marijuana pretty much seems to be a requisite. [flavorpill]
• Postmodern venue selection reaches its zenith (or nadir, depending on your perspective), when Sam Lipsyte reads from his new novel, Homeland, at a laundromat on Avenue C as part of the Howl! Festival. [Paper]
• Tickets for September 23-25's New Yorker Festival go on sale today. Jhumpa Lahiri or Michael Chabon on Friday night? Malcolm Gladwell's meditation on America's obesession with precociousness, or John Updike's interview with David Remnick, on Saturday? Oh, the choices of a culture snob! [NYer]

Don't get us wrong. We're lighting candles for the speedy and healthy return of missing (and possible runaway) actress Scout Taylor-Compton, but didn't her parents have any real pictures of her to send to the press? Trying to identify someone by their head shot is nearly impossible. (In ours, we look like a 19-year-old George Clooney, but with Brad Pitt's abs.) We also don't know why the wire stories about the disappearance have to include an exhaustive listing of her credits ("Hey, are you that missing actress? Loved, loved you on Gilmore!") and frequent mentions of her publicist, but we're sure those two things are completely unrelated.

• Bellis Stalkerfest2k5, Round IV: The man that just won't quit appears at lit bar Half King tonight to read from some book he wrote. Dude hasn't published a book in seven years, but he sure knows how to make up for lost time. [Half King]
• The irrascible buggers at Billionaires for Bush throw another fund-raising fete at Frying Pan tonight. Wear your sharpest, most ironic three-piece suit or string of faux pearls. [flavorpill]
• Duude, did you hear that Dazed and Confused is, like, playing for free at the Hudson River Park tonight? Nooo way! Party at the Moontower to follow. [Hudson River Park]

Defamer is committed to helping its readers find exciting opportunities in the celebrity pet-pampering field. We realize that this ad is almost certainly the product of an anonymous Craigslist jokester, but if nothing else, it's a fitting reminder that we're all just one wipe of a spoiled shit-tzu's ass from that coveted and elusive three-picture deal:

Robert De Niro's housekeeper has admitted that she stole from the actor and his wife, but in protest—not over De Niro's recent, disastrous career choices (we'd happily lift his Rolex if it helped him pass on Showtime 2), but because of the poor treatment she received, as her more respectful employers went unburgled:

• Bret Easton Ellis continues his "Lunar Park" press junket at Coliseum Books tonight, which, given the subject matter, is also a press junket for himself. We're sure some of you have gone to every damn Bellis reading we've listed, so keep up the stalking. [Coliseum]
• The legendary Kurtis Blow plays a free show at Queensbridge Partk tonight. Finally, a rap show you can leave the Kevlar vest at home for. [Upcoming]
• The Howl! Festival continues its dominance of every venue in Lower Manhattan with the Big Jewish Quiz Thing tonight at the 14th Street Y, in which a bunch of Jews (including a certain Gawkeleh) compete in a test of knowledge on all things Semitic. In keeping with non-Gentile trend, the show costs a mere $5. [Howl]

• Gothamist's Moveable Hype 4.0 at Knitting Factory: In which Doveman, Raising the Fawn, Bravo Silva, and Langhorne Slim perform (with special, Gawky guests DJ Tanner and DJ Edgar Hoover between sets) for the indie blogging set, who promptly return to their apartments and write up the night's events upon show's completion. [flavorpill]
• Jaws — the movie that scared millions of beachgoers out of the ocean 25 years before Time — plays at Bryant Park tonight, 5:00pm. [Bryant Park]
• Celebrate the birthday of Dorothy Parker in all her sardonic glory at (obviously) the Algonquin Hotel, over drinks and reduced admission to "The Talk of the Town." [DPNYC]

Friday:
• New York expats and current "Sixth Borough" residents Enon make the seventy-five minute trek back to New York to play Mercury Lounge tonight. Hope it's worth it just for the "cheaper" rent. [flavorpill]
• Sufjan Stevens brings his pretty little self to Bowery Ballroom tonight to play some of his pretty little music. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• Six years ago, says Flavorpill, Minnesota's Hocky Night were rap-punk. Now they sound like Pavement. Check out the transformation yourself tonight at Mercury Lounge, where they play with the Jim Yoshii Pile-Up and Hopewell. [flavorpill]
• Sometimes, the exact words of a press release are more effective than our editorializing. This is one of those times: "In a world full of apathy and low expectations, two northeast artists — MCA and Magmo — descend upon New York through billowy clouds of fire to tear the city apart. ...There will be enough granite to crush the skulls of 20 men, an army of trash-filled dolls, ear-bleeding noise beats, and rays upon rays of eye-dazzling projections." There's only one plausible explanation for this: the rouge batch of fucked-up heroin has reached a far-wider audience than previously believed. 7:00pm, Orchard Street Art Gallery (139 Orchard Street).
Sunday:
• We just like the picture. [Upcoming]

• Ah, booze on a cruise: as time-honored a summer tradition as hotdogs at a baseball game and fabricating news stories in the absence of real news. Throw Brooklyn-based afrobeat crew Antibalas into the mix, and you got yourselves a party. [flavorpill]
• Sex with Jake Gyllenhaal? Do we even have to ask? Unfortunately, you probably won't get the real deal at this New York International Fringe Festival performance (not for $15 at least), but one can always hope. [Paper]
• The Death Cab for Cutie/Decemberists double-billing at Summerstage tonight is sold out, but we have little doubt in your ability to beat up any one of the numerous Seth Cohen lookalikes in your vicinity and steal his tickets. [Summerstage]

• American Psycho scribe Bret Easton Ellis (AKA Bellis) takes some time to regroup after almost slitting his wrists on the Today show this morning before heading over to the Barnes and Noble on E. 17th street, where he reads from his new book, Lunar Park. Which is about him, but not really. The meta-ness of it all is so very confusing. [Paper]
• Check out Group Sounds at Pianos tonight—a band Flavorpill says is poised to become "Ludlow's very own Kaiser Chiefs." Your level of excitment regarding this claim depends on what you actually think of the Kaiser Chiefs. [flavorpill]
• The pleasantly thrifty folks at Urb magazine present "B-Sides Session" at Joe's Pub tonight, featuring Pigeon John and APSCI from Quanuum, Cool Calm Pete from Def Jux, and Dub Trio. Best to wear your cool shoes. [Upcoming]

While tax incentives have lured bottom-line-obsessed studios to far-off lands like New Orleans, the newly Hollywoodized locations are also reaping the (perhaps) unexpected consequences of the money-bringing industry invasion: local alcohol shortages induced by thirsty underage starlets, caddish foreigners making a mockery of the Seventh Commandment, and the crushing guilt of realizing that your tax breaks have made abominations like Big Momma's House 2 possible. From the LAT:

• Hubbard Street Dance Chicago, says Flavorpill, is a company that has "built its reputation by presenting diverse works from leading choreographers around the world, featuring a wide variety of dance styles with impressive results." Drunk noodle dancing this ain't. At the Joyce Theater, 8:00pm. [flavorpill]
• Seth "Mnooks" Mnookin appears at Makor tonight for a talk titled, "Hard News: New Threats to Journalism." For the last fucking time: It's not blogs. [92Y] [UPDATE: Actually, this was at noon today. Whoops.]
• Mark Mothersbaugh, co-founder of DEVO and scorer of Rushmore, shows off his artistic side at Fuse Gallery, where a collection of his screen prints and ink illustrations is on display. Pointy hats and jumpsuits optional. [Paper]

Some readers have called our attention to this online ad currently in rotation on Variety.com (you might have to click through into one of their stories to see it). Who is this mysterious "executive producer," they asked, and what exactly is she selling? We're not exactly experts in advertising, but we're pretty sure she's selling sex. Don't you think that if superproducers Brian Grazer or Scott Rudin had racks like that, they'd be splashing them all over the trades?