Either the local coke trade has become so competitive that dealers need to turn to direct mail to increase their client base, or the Underhyped blog has crossed paths with the world's most inept narc. The note's a little hard to read, but Underhyped transcribes: "Hi. My name is Ron XXXXXXX. I sell co-caine on Wilcox. If you would like to buy some for your showbusiness friends call me. Thx Ron." It's reassuring to know that the Disneyfication of the Hollywood area hasn't killed the entrepreneurial spirit. Look for the forward-thinking Ron to soon expand his operation to the neighborhood's exploding club scene, where he'll slip notes reading "Do you need some co-ke? Check a box [ ] Yes [ ] No" under occupied bathroom stalls and set new standards for drug-dealing convenience.

• The creative minds behind The Daily Show screen a bunch of short films they made on topics as diverse as zombies in America, chainsaw-wielding maniacs, and the desperado lifestyle at the IFC Center. There will be a cocktail reception with the filmmakers themselves before the show, in case you like your movies viewed while drunk. We certainly do. [flavorpill]
• A magician, an erotic folksinger, and a naked guy with a fishbowl on his head, a prosthetic leg, and a cod-piece covering his genitalia are all part of "The Jonathan Ames Show," which debuts at Mo Pitkin's tonight at 8:30pm. The show s namesake is also featured prominently, which no longer goes without saying in matters concerning post-modern performance art. [JonathanAmes]
• Bad roommates, like bloggers, generally practice poor hygiene, are prone to erratic behavior and wild mood swings, often smell, rarely leave their apartments, and have poor interpersonal skills. Which is why the topic of this month's WYSIWYG blogger gabfest— The World's Worst Roommate — is so fitting. Write what you know, as they say. [Upcoming]

• Commedia dell Smartass is a Shakespearean romp through high school class hierarchy. Price of admission is up to you ($19 for the rest of the week), so if ever there was a time to be reminded of an era you mostly spent with your head shoved in a toilet, it's tonight. [flavorpill]
• Brit lit hottie Zadie Smith discusses her latest work, On Beauty, at Symphony Space; Freakonomics coauthor Stephen J. Dubner and Jonathan Miles read at Half King. Miles reads an "Ode to fights" essay he wrote for Men's Journal after punching an editor at a staff party — which we'd so pay good money to have seen. [TONY & Half King]
• Pick your favorite amateur video (not that kind, you filthy pervert) at UCB's "Channel 102" tonight, where you get to vote on your favorite 5-minute "TV pilot." The winning entry, unfortunately, doesn't take Joey's spot on NBC, but it does come back next week to square off against a whole new batch of submissions. [UCB]

Friday:
• The 43rd New York Film Festival is the biggest thing to hit Lincoln Center since, um, the CMJ Festival last week. Still, go check it out — nothing gets the intellectual masturbation going at a cocktail party faster than a discussion of Mitsuo Yanagimachi's "Who's Camus Anyway?" [flavorpill]
• The New Yorker Festival kicks off today as well, with a series of tandem readings (Michael Chabon and Stephen King! Zadie Smith and Jonathan Franzen! A.M. Homes and Jeffrey Eugenides!), a "High Rollers Steak Dinner" poker game, and a town hall-style meeting on Iraq. Your options are pretty much confined to the latter — everything else is sold out. [NYer]
Saturday:
• Evidently, one-hit wonders Nada Surf have been playing sold-out shows in Europe ever since they dropped that Popular song here and then sort of fell of the map. They play a free show in Williamsburg tonight to get things swinging stateside. [Paper]
• Speaking of popularity contests, ticket sales for today's lineup at the New Yorker Festival give us a good idea of whose on top of the totem poll: Malcolm Gladwell and Sasha Frere-Jones got it; fashion scribe Judith Thurman and police chief Raymond Kelly don't. Should have bought tickets earlier, culture snob. [NYer]
Sunday:
• Have you heard of the Shins? Dude, they ll totally change your life. The White Stripes, too. They're gonna be big. [flavorpill]

• The Daily Show's Rob Corddry, Letterman's Eddie Brill, and various other funny people take the stage at Mo Pitkins' tonight for a Katrina Benefit. Any leftover money will be sent to Texas to swell the coffers of the Hurricane Rita relief effort George Bush will inevitably bungle. [Upcoming]
• Found Magazine editor Davy Rothbart gives fiction a go at Galapagos tonight, where he reads from his new collection of stories. His brother, Peter, performs little ditties (Flavorpill s words, not ours) as he reads sure to provide enough fodder for semi-ironic musings on Williamsboard the next day. [flavorpill]
• Jen Bekman s Public Discourse, an in-depth study of illegal installation art, screens at the Pioneer Theater tonight. Everything you ever wanted to know about advertising manipulation, metal welding, guerrilla art, and more. [Two Boots]

• Bubble-gum pop or British cock? Norweigian ingenue Annie plays at Webster Hall, while Sir Elton John plays MSG. Either way, you'll be surrounded by gays. [Paper]
• One-named wonder Touré and white-suited wonder Tom Wolfe discuss everything from collegiate sexual exploits to life in the 'hood (as hoody as things can be for an Emory grad, at least) at Cooper Union's Great Hall tonight, where they read from their respective new books. [flavorpill]
• New Yorker scribe Malcolm Gladwell and pop-culture advocate Steven Johnson get into an intellectual pissing contest over whose theories better capture the current cultural zeitgeist at Strand Books tonight. Wear your commemorative 'fro. [Strand]

• Fresh off a CMJ performance, DFA newbies Hot Chip return to Northsix for a show with Four Tet. The lanyards with badges are gone, though, so you'll have to find something else with which to strangle the annoying hipster next to you. [flavorpill]
• Former junkie and My Friend Leonard author James Frey and his editor, Sean McDonald, take part in the debut installment of the aptly titled "Author and Editor Discussion Series" at McNally Robinson Booksellers. See, Kate? H&M be damned — drug addicts totally do have a future! [TONY]
• The kind-hearted souls at the Red Cross help you prepare for the day when the four horsemen of the apocalypse finally stroll into New York with a free disaster prep seminar down on Wall Street. At least you ll know who to push out of the way first when the dirty bomb hits your stalled E train. [Paper]

Some readers noticed this unfortunate eyesore on Melrose during their morning commutes yesterday, and a couple sent in these pictures to document the "edgy" stunt that transformed the exterior of Ashton Kutcher's Dolce restaurant into a cheap set from Breakin' for an Emmy party. Urban blight has never been so stylish! No reports yet from the horrors that may have unfolded inside the building (dirty cardboard for headspins? UTFO soundtrack? Complimentary parachute pants?), but we'll update you if and when they become available.

• A Prairie Home Companion's Garrison Keillor and former poet laureate Billy Collins head on over to the 92nd Street Y tonight to read from their respective anthologies. In extrodinarily soothing, monotone voices, no doubt. [flavorpill]
• Not that you read it in college when you should have, but Vladimir Nabakov's Lolita celebrates its 50th anniversary. Go hear a panel of distinguished scholars pay homage to the novel that provided a convenient catchprase to describe our country's current surplus of teenage skanks. [Paper]
• Marcy Dermansky reads from her debut novel Twins as part of Galapagos Art Space's SMUT series, which includes, says the New York Times, "Art that should carry a Parental Advisory label." One might say the same thing about New York Times. [Upcoming]

The life of the NYU student is not entirely wine, roses, and speedballs:

Friday:
• Evidently, the French don't hate us as much as previously thought: All of the restaurants in Simon Oren's Tour de France group (Both French Roasts, Marseille, Maison, &c.) will be serving a special "French Quarter" cocktail through September 30th, the proceeds of which will be donated to the Red Cross. When you're getting drunk with your inner Pepe, remember: You're saving people.
• The Chemical Brothers, Paul Oakenfold, and Mylo give the CMJ kids a run for their money with a show at SummerStage. That said, it costs 60 bucks. Your other options: Hold Steady (Lincoln Center), Ambulance LTD w/Clap Your Hands Say Yeah (Mercury Lounge), !!! (S.O.B.'s), and Gawker fav Spinto Band (Mo Pitkins). [flavorpill]
Saturday:
• Salman Rushdie, Miranda July, and the Hungry March Band join Paris Review editor Philip Gourevitch at the New York Public Library for a night of cultural edification and high-brow conversation, after which you'll likely realize you're not all that smart. Fuck that. [flavorpill]
• The Kitchen Art Center throws a block party to celebrate the forthcoming conversion of the West Side's High Line into a public walkway. Finally, Edward Norton, Andres Balazs, and Richard Meier will all be able to traipse together in peace. [Paper]
Sunday:
• If you don't go to "gay comic hottie" (his words, not ours) Adam Sank's Electro Shock Therapy Comedy Hour at Therapy Bar, he'll kill you. Seriously, the dude's sent us at least 5 threatening emails, and we're starting to get worried. Go cheer him on, and let our inbox be cluttered no more. [Adam Sank]

• 90,000 indie kids are here for the CMJ festival. Countless fashionistas are here for Fashion Week. Now a bunch of visual arts kids come to town for the Res Fest. Can everybody go home already? We liked New York just as it was, thank you very much. [flavorpill]
• That said, so much CMJ goodness today it'll knock your beat-up Converses off. Paper offers up their selections for tonight. [Paper]
• Jay McInerney, James Frey, A.H. Holmes, and other literary folks take part in Housing Work's Walking Words, part of a campaign to get world leaders to exert their political will to stop the AIDS epidemic. Last we checked, President Bush couldn't even exert his free will to use the restroom on his own. Baby steps. [Housing Works]

• The CMJ Music Marathon kicks off today, featuring nearly every band you've ever heard of and a slew of ones you haven't, all performing over the next four days. Passes are expensive ($445; $295 if you're a student), so we highly recommend stealing one from a member of the press who looks either frail or intoxicated. Preferably both. [flavorpill]
• See firsthand how Dave Eggers and company come up with the lyrics for One Ring Zero in the new documentary As Smart As They Are: The Author Project. It'll surely to push your tolerance for witty banter and precociousness past its natural limit. [Upcoming]
• Newest literary It-boy Ben Kunkel reads from newest literary It-book Indecision at 192 Books tonight. Go on and see what the fuss is all about before the three-headed Jonathan monster reclaims its rightful throne. [Paper]

• Princess Superstar — who, despite being included on New York Magazine's "50 Most Beautiful New Yorkers" list, still cannot rap to save her life — joins High Priest and Funkstorung at XLR8R's party tonight at Scenic. [flavorpill]
• New York contributing editor Ariel Levy reads from Female Chauvinist Pigs, which argues that the purportedly liberating sexual antics of Paris, Pam, and company are "actually a kind of limiting conformity." Who would have thought that acting like a trashy slut was so, like, typecasting? Corner Bookstore, 6pm. [Paper]
• Hotshot directors Anton Corbijn, Jonathan Glazer, Mark Romanek, and St phane Sednaoui discuss all things indie and film in a screening/roundtable Q&A session at the Walter Reade Theater. REM frontman Michael Stipe, who has a surprisingly extensive credit list on IMDB, moderates and emotes as expected. [WalterReade]

• Atmospheric art-house rockers Sigur Ros come to town, bringing with them all the inspiration you need to gaze off in the distance and meditate. [flavorpill]
• Candace Bushnell reads from her latest book Lipstick Jungle at the Barnes and Noble on E. 17th Street. Go hear her explain how the slutty, overindulgent actions of her characters represent female empowerment, and not a transparent rouse to get bored housewives in Iowa to buy the book. [Paper]
• A-Ha are still performing? Their Irving Plaza show costs 35 bucks? Their Irving Plaza show is sold out? Yes, yes, and, believe it or not, yes. [Irving Plaza]

Friday:
• A Ronson (doesn't matter which one) and a Root (ditto) join the Platinum Pied Piers for a show at Southpaw in Brooklyn. [flavorpill]
• Decisions, decisions: Bloc Party play Roseland; Clap Your Hands Say Yeah play Bowery. Do you form opinions based on Vice or bloggers? Choose wisely, young grasshopper — somebody's judging you. [Upcoming x2]
• Semi-Permanent is a two-day technology and design conference at Lincoln Center in which influential creative types sit around and talk shop. You can hear what they have to say for $120 — a small price to pay for acquiring the knowledge that will allow you to annoint the next trucker hat weeks before your friends. [Semi-Permanent]
Saturday:
• Over the span of 36 weeks, four artists sent a sketchbook between Brooklyn and Belfast, each adding their own addition before sending it across the Atlantic. After 60,000 miles in travel and a huge fucking FedEx bill, the book finally comes to rest at 15 Nassau Street. From September 8th to October 9th. [Look at Book]
• The Big Apple Comic-Con comes to Penn Plaza Pavilion today. Now you can have your very own Entourage moment without shlepping to L.A. [Paper]
Sunday:
• Brazilian singer/guitarist Seu Jorge performs at Bowery Ballroom tonight. He sings in Portuguese, but it still sounds pretty. [flavorpill]

• Get your tenor sax solo with a side of Pabst and ironic detachment: The Williamsburg Jazz Festival kicks off tonight at at various locales all over the 'Burg. Better head to Brookyln, cause you sure won't be hearing jazz in New Orleans anytime soon. [flavorpill]
• No tickets to the Arcade Fire show tonight at Radio City? Try being a seat-filler. If all else fails, The OC will keep you company at 8pm. [Bumpershine]
• Race relations expert Kevin Powell (from the original cast of the Real World) hosts a Hurricane Katrina benefit at Canal Room tonight. Evidently, some people thought the recovery efforts were less than stellar. [Paper]

From the "Aren't these crazy Hollywood types five flavors of nutty?" file, Sharon Waxman of the NY Times profiles screenwriter Tom Benedek, who has taken to artistically repurposing his unproduced screenplays by firing bullets into them and photographing and/or bronzing the results:

• Because we'll be damned if some little hurricane is going to keep us from our self-absorbed, fashionable pursuits, tonight is the launch of Creative Atelier, a three-week performance exhibition in which designers compete with a limited amount of materials, like Project Runway but with a live audience. Because you've always wanted front-row seats at a sweatshop. [flavorpill]
• Join all the other odd, obsessive types and check out prolific novelist Tom Robbins' foray into poetry. He reads tonight from his new collection, Wild Ducks Flying Backwards. You didn't expect it to have a normal title, did you? [Paper]
• Round up all of your 16-year-old friends and hit Irving Plaza to check out Idlewild's brand of Scottish indie pop, then patiently wait for their inevitable appearance on The O.C. [Oh My Rockness]

• Nublu holds a Hurricane Katrina benefit featuring Kudu, Send, G. Rizo, and Cocoa Cracker Brown. You'll likely be on the low end of the suggested donation spectrum ($5 to $1,000,000), but go on and give what you can. 62 Avenue C btw 4th and 5th Street. [Nublu]
• Do you have earplugs? Do you have a "willingness to be aurally assaulted"? If you answered "yes" to both these questions, congrats! You fulfill Flavorpill's requisites for attending the Merzbow show tonight at Knitting Factory. Sounds like a hoot. [flavorpill]
• National Geographic's exhibit on Africa opens today in Grand Central Terminal. At least one media outlet gives the continent some love. [Upcoming]