• Director David Gordon Green appears at the IFC Center to discuss and introduce two of his favorite films — Michael Cimino's Thunderbolt and Lightfoot, starring Clint Eastwood, and Sydney Pollack's Jeremiah Johnson, starring Robert Redford. Cheapskate bonus: the $10.75 admission price is good for both flicks. [flavorpill]
• Relationship troubles? Head over to Bryant Park for a screening of Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf and you'll likely feel a lot better about your situation. 5:00pm. [Upcoming]
• Seth Morris, Brian Huskey, and The Daily Show's Rob Corddry perform as "Naked Babies" at the UCB Theatre. Mr. Morris soon moves to L.A. to become the artistic director of the new UCB Theatre there, so see him here while you can. [TONY]

Friday:
• Werner Herzog's documentary Grizzly Man follows eco-activist Timothy Treadwell as he lived (and, tragically, died) with Alaskan grizzly bears. Shit like this is precisely why we avoid the great outdoors at all costs. [flavorpill]
• What if Willem Dafoe changed his name to William? What if we stopped smoking enough pot to make us wonder such things? Members of Big Flux answer this very question in their latest sketch comedy show. [Upcoming]
Saturday:
• UK grime scenester Kano and Philly/NYC ghetto-crunk scenester Diplo join forces at Knitting Factory tonight. Should be quite the scenester-y show. [flavorpill]
• Method Man, beloved Wu-Tang member and Right Guard deodorant hawker, performs at BB King's tonight with fellow Clansman Street Life. [BB King]
Sunday:
• The lovely people at Solid PR throw a benefit on behalf of the National Multiple Sclerosis Society, featuring music from Oxford Collapse and The Pages. While we can only recommend you go here and not Splash Bar's heinous-sounding "Panty Revolution" party, we trust we've trained you well enough to make the right choice. [Paper]

• 1970s film noir classic Chinatown screens at the Empire-Fulton Ferry State Park. You've likely already seen it, but go for the memories of a time when Jack Nicholson didn't churn out crap and when Roman Polanski wasn't a pedophile. [flavorpill]
• Drug user? Drug test coming up? Recently arrested for possesion of drugs? Anticipate being arrested for possesion of drugs? If you answered "yes" to any of these questions, and you know did, head on over to Galapagos in Williamsburg tonight for the launch party of BUSTED! Drug War Survival Skills. [Galapagos]
• If on the off-chance you enjoy paying for your right to shop, head over to Webster Hall tonight for The Closet, which is billed as a "shopping party event" with 5 international female DJs, a bar, and the best indie designers in New York City. 15 bucks gets you access to this version of gay heaven. [Upcoming]

• If you're not riding buzztrain for NYC band Clap Your Hands Say Yeah!, you're either respectably contrarian or, more likely, just not a blogger. See what everyone's wetting themselves about tonight at the South Street Seaport, where the band opens for the electrogypsy group DeVotchKa. The event's free, and just steps away from eligible i-bankers. [flavorpill]
• If you're digging the free events but not the hipster vibe, check out the Kid-n-Play classic House Party, showing at Socrates Sculpture Park. That is, if you're willing to haul ass out Queens just to save a buck or two. [TONY]
• Or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, you could just shell out $55 to see Devo awkwardly rock Hammerstein Ballroom. $70, actually, with Ticketmaster fun fees. [OhMyRockness]

Moments after a Defamer operative snapped this picture of a poolside shoot for doggy clothes at the Standard yesterday, a hapless production assistant was drowned when the poodle vaguely suggested that its mocha frappuccino wasn't "frappy" enough.

The following event (a reader spotted the press release over at the Franklin Avenue blog), featuring Entourage's Jeremy Piven and Hustle & Flow's Anthony Anderson reading their favorite erotica to an intimate gathering at Forty Deuce, is jointly sponsored by Svedka Vodka and Bad Idea Jeans:

• Enron: The Smartest Guys in the Room screens at Makor tonight, followed by a discussion with one of the film's producers and one its writers. The first 30 attendees receive a signed Kenneth Lay mugshot. [92Y]
• Bill Maher signs copies of his new book, New Rules: Polite Musings of a Timid Observer, at the Union Square Barnes and Noble at 7:00pm. His inflated ego signs at 7:30.
• French avant-gardite Colleen plays whatever French avant-garde sounds like at Joe's Pub tonight. Neutral Milk Hotel alum Jeremy Barnes opens with ethno-folk ensemble A Hawk and a Hacksaw playing whatever ethno-folk sounds like. [flavorpill]

BoingBoing has a photo of a sign outside the Century Lounge strip club (near LAX) that quite clinically advertises its offerings. Unsurprisingly, there is outrage, what about the children? etc etc. But if the sign survives the hubbub, look for promoters to catch vagina fever and fly the slogan over every new nightclub in the glutted Hollywood scene. It's gonna look so cool in front of Cabana Club.

• We love it when Flavorpill only has one listing for a given day — certainly makes it easier for us to pick the best one. Tonight, the 'pill points you to two music documentaries, Don't Look Back and The Last Waltz, both of which screen at the Center for Jewish History. Might as well go, 'cause it's not like you have any other choices. [flavorpill]
• Okay, we lied. You have other choices, they're just not ridiculously great. So get your fill of old-school laughs at Bryant Park, where "The Odd Couple" shows for free. You certainly weren't going to pay to go. [Bryant Park]
• If you're looking for something more interactive, Handshake hosts the first ever Grab-Ass Convention at Rothko tonight. We're not quite sure what this is or why you should care, but it does sound somewhat enjoyable. [Upcoming]

The Gods of Pointless Fashion are very, very angry with the feet of L.A.'s dead-eyed fashionistas. They've dispatched this newest below-the-knee plague through the sartorial glory hole of Kitson, an army of rabid, pom-pom wielding rabbits in feather head-dresses with a mission to assault out-of-vogue Uggs and Mukluks and create an evil, hybrid footwear stolen from the closet of a flamboyantly gay Predator.

A Defamer spy watched in horror as a mobile pet grooming van found itself immobilized in the parking structure at the Pavilions at Beverly and Olympic, an accident that threatened to wreak untold havoc on the schedules of spoiled pets all over town:

Friday:
• The Found Footage Festival, which features 90 minutes of video entertainment culled from discarded VHS footage, comes to the Automotive High School in Williamsburg tonight. Among the highlights are a long-lost Wendy's training video and "Carnival in Rio" — a Brazilian Travel Board production staring Arnold Schwarzeneggar and two Brazilian escorts. Californians everywhere kick themselves a little harder. [flavorpill]
• Minnesota outfit The Hold Steady play the first of two shows at Bowery Ballroom. Tonight's is sold out; tomorrow's is not. Even you can do the math on this one. [BB]
Saturday:
• Continuing with their quest to perform as every possible permutation under every possible moniker not called "Scissor Sisters," Paddy Boom, aka Patrick Seacor, aka SS drummer, DJs tonight at the latest GBH bash at Movida. [Movida]
• 1991 Sundance Grand Jury Prize winner Paris is Burning is an intriguing look into the Harlem drag balls of the 1980s. In a strike of staggering clairvoyance, it's also the title of an upcoming Simple Life episode, in which the plucky hotel heiress visits her Beverly Hills gynecologist (ba-dum-dum). 6:30 at the Walter Reade Theater. [flavorpill]
Sunday:
• M.I.A., Diplo, and DJ Rekha bring some Southeast Asian flair to Central Park Summerstage for a free show at 3pm. Unsure how to characterize the multicultural billing, Flavorpill editors go with the layup: "Shanty Pop." Classy. [Summerstage]

The premiere issue of OK! magazine (think US Weekly, but without the edge) wastes no time in establishing its trendspotting chops, whispering the location of the secret "Hollywood getaway" that lures the A-list with its siren call. And where exactly is this exotic locale, where the jet-set seeks refuge from the grind of Los Angeles? Hint: You may be standing on it right now! The answer after the jump:

• The second installment of art exhibit "Drunk vs Stoned" opens today at Gavin Brown's Enterprise, featuring pieces that explore the relative merits of both altered states of mind. Can't make it? It runs till September 7th, culminating in a "Drunk vs Stoned" soccer match. We're pretty sure performance-enhancing substances will be permitted. [flavorpill]
• Dave Eggers and his band of swashbuckling crusaders appear at Housing Works Cafe tonight to speak about their new book Teachers Have it Easy, which discusses how America's teachers are underpaid and underappreciated. True, but at least the pervy ones are getting laid. [Housing Works]
• Punk pioneer priestess Patti Smith performs at Central Park SummerStage tonight. On an unrelated note, it's alliteration day here at Gawker Media. [Summerstage]

• A little eco-destruction to go with your daily dose of subway bombings and defective spaceships: Darwin's Nightmare, a documentary on how the Western world faciliated the destruction of Tanzania's Lake Victoria, screens at the IFC Center. Best leave the weed at home for this one, we thinketh. [flavorpill]
• MSNBC's Jeanette Walls and man of letters Sean Wilsey join literary band One Ring Zero at the Housing Works Used Book Cafe for a taping of Air America's "Liberal Arts" program. Songs, stories, and the requisite liberal despair to follow. [Paper]
• The Social Experiment — part variety show, part stand-up act, part improv — bring their unique brand of comedy hijinx to Sin-Sin tonight. Best bring the weed to this one, we thinketh. [The Social]

• Uzbekistan is one of two DOUBLY land-locked countries in the world (the other being Liechtenstein. We'll give you a cookie if you can point out either on a map). Impress some authentic Uzbek musicians with your new-found knowledge of their home country at Tonic tonight, where they play with downtown collective Bang on a Can All Stars. [flavorpill]
• If you're pissed about the imminent New York City housing crash (when's that supposed to happen again?), or about the fact that you work 60 hours a week and can only afford a cockroach-infested 4th floor walk-up, here's your chance to vent: Ruth Indyk Lubick, vice president of Douglas Elliman, participates in a question and answer session tonight at Makor. Befitting of the real estate industry, you're getting royally screwed before you even do anything: it'll cost you 30 bucks just to get in the door. [TONY]
• Gameshow host, author, and self-claimed CIA spook Chuck Barris appears at Coliseum Books tonight to read from his first novel You and Me, Babe. Wear a trenchcoat and see if he gets uncomfortable. [Coliseum]

• The producers of This Isn't Working throw a benefit party to raise money for their show, which appears at the NY International Fringe Festival. Bonus: it's at Siberia, so you can become a friend of a "Siberian" and gain access to Tracy Westmoreland's "secret" bar, The Cell. If hanging out in Hell's Kitchen actually constitutes as a bonus. [flavorpill]
• Real activism is hard — icky people and ickier causes. If you participate in the latest effort to save CBGB's, you'll at least get to see Ted Leo and the Pharmacists tonight. That's tolerable. [CBGB]
• Paging all lonely, early 90's indie rock nerds: Liz Phair performs at Joe's Pub tonight. Fresh masturbatory material awaits you! [Joe's Pub]

Friday:
• Comedians Patton Oswalt, Brian Posehn, Maria Bamford, and Zach Galifianakis come to Irving Plaza tonight to make you laugh as part of their "Comedians of Comedy" show. If you prefer to watch comedians you've actually heard of, go see potty-humor doc The Aristocrats. [flavorpill & Fandango]
• Jonathan and Mrs. Ames (his mother, not his wife) read from their respective works (he from Wake Up, Sir!; she some poetry) at the Astor Place Barnes and Noble at 7pm. Good thing he omitted the story about masturbating in front of his mom from this book. [Paper]
Saturday:
• Free shows abound, cheapy! Punk rock progenitors MC5 headline a 3pm show at SummerStage; Oneida, Oxford Collapse, Tall Firs, and the Extra Action Marching Band (35 members plus a flag team!) follow up at the East River Amphitheater at 7:30pm. Either/or, you'll be drunk and sweaty. [flavorpill]
• Feel like you saved too much money checking out free shit today? Head on over to Caroline's on Broadway to see Pauly Shore perform. $32 plus a 2 drink minimum. Joke's on you. [Caroline's]
Sunday:
• Why do you need us to tell you what to do? Go outside, have a long drunken brunch, and fall asleep in the needle-strewn park of your choice.

• Antony and his/her Johnsons play at Town Hall tonight with Cocorosie. Joint transgender/sibling fun for all parties involved. [Upcoming]
• Q-Tip and Mark Ronson devote their time and services to the opening of a tutorial center by day, DJ/performance space by night in Chinatown. Let the 826NYC vs. The Yet-to-Be-Named Chinatown do-gooder venue pissing contest begin! [flavorpill]
• Members of the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre present "Found on Craiglist," a sketch comedy show based on the Rants, Raves, and Missed Connections of everyone's favorite online community. Though the amont of improvising required to make that shit humorous seems to be pretty neglible. [UCB]

• We're certainly going to regret even mentioning this, but if you're smart enough to figure out where the pasty souls of Gawker Media are convening to tackle the Midwestern twats of The Onion for tonight's Softball Match of Destruction, you're welcome to come and dump Gatorade on Denton's glistening head. First one to die of heatstroke loses! [Oddjack]