We agree: Nightclub NA is a total bust, and when Lindsay Lohan isn't there, Marquee is starting to slip into bridge and tunnel territory. Basically, there's nothing to do in this city after 10 PM, and we're bored out of our minds. So it's with hope in our hearts that we heard the news that a new club is coming town. The second coming will be at Nerveana on Varick Street, and today's Post confirms the speculation that the venue opens tonight. If you hadn't already been reminded by the gang at VH1, nostalgia is hott right now, and second-tier club owner Robert Wattman is capitalizing on the trend by regurgitating the most recent decade he can recall, the 90's, into a 5,000 square-foot mega-club.

Earlier we put it to you, dearest readers, to guess what Mystery Publicist was behind an ill-advised email exchange. And, as always, you bravely responded to the call of duty. So who is the publicist with the Portuguese housekeeper?

· Were you sitting around this morning, staring into your bowl of cereal and thinking, "Mainstream media is dead. What do the internet and The Daily Show have that established news organizations don't?" Probably not. If you were, though, then Makor's "How to Really Get the News" program is for you. School's in session at 7:30pm with Editor & Publisher editor Jesse Oxfeld, CBS MarketWatch media editor Jon Friedman, SpinSanity.org editor Bryan Keefer, and Daily Show writer Chris Regan. [92Y]
· Ironic-cause-they're-anti-ironic rockers The Hold Steady rail against scenesters and 80s rock at Mercury Lounge tonight. [flavorpill]
· Are you, like, smart and shit? Or stoned? Either will do if you head on over to Symphony Space tonight, where metaphysical novelist Paul Auster discusses his new book, "Oracle Night." Naturally, Michael Imperioli from "The Sopranos" (WTF?) joins him to read selections. [SymphonySpace]

Just in case you needed further proof that Williamsburg, the Brooklyn birthplace of the Ironic Trucker Hat and current epicenter (we suspect, anyhow) for the Team Zissou Adidas, is still a real place full of real people who might be in need of a real good smack, allow us to show you Exhibit A, the proposed Miss Williamsburg pageant:

Regarding Fox drama The O.C.:

This report from last night's website launch party for the Satine boutique on Third Street raises an interesting question: If two high-profile Scientologists show up to an event, do they set up a booth and take people's e-meter readings? We really hope they do.

· Roc-A-Wear CEO Damon Dash married his longtime girlfriend in Mexico over the holidays, but not without breaking his collarbone during an ocean dip. We'd never expect this from an All-American butterfly champ like Dash. [Page Six]
· Mets star Mike Piazza is getting married...to a girl! Former Playmate Alicia Rickter will be tying the knot with Piazza in two weeks, thus resigning herself to a lifetime full of pitchers and catchers. [R&M]
· The Star Jones wedding will never end. Yesterday, her wedding planner did a segment on The View, as she was clearly owed publicity payback for enduring the torture of organizing the beastly nuptials. [Page Six]
· Is Arrested Development star Portia de Rossi spending an unusual amount of time with her new love, daytime talk host Ellen DeGeneres? Or are lesbians just really co-dependent? Reportedly, de Rossi sits in the audience during all of DeGeneres' tapings and communicates with her during her monologues. [Lowdown]
· Aren't we long overdue for a Leonardo DiCaprio-Gisele Bundchen breakup rumor? [Scoop]

When we were BCC'd on an email exchange revealing a certain publicist (or his/her assistant) to be tasteless snot, we knew it was too good to simply throw at you. After all, you love a challenge. Below, find an email exchange between one Allison Bojarski and a Mystery Publicist:

· Former White House speechwriter and current New Yorker senior editor Hendrik Hertzberg sure does have a fun name. He's also, coincidentally, one smart bastard. Those looking for some good cocktail party fodder should head over to the General Society Library tonight, where Hertzberg offers up his perspective on post-election politics. [General Society]
· Feeling the need to express yourself in a manner that doesn't involve broken glass or domestic beer? Indulge your inner art-slut at the Education Alliance Art School's $5 workshops. You can sculpt or draw, but you may not eat the paint. [TONY]
· Those looking to keep the education out of their evenings, take heart: Del tha Funkee Homosapien rocks the mic at BB King, while Suffolk County's finest, RA the Rugged Man, takes over the Knitting Factory. [BB King & flavorpill]

Sightings are sent in by readers; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Self-described "political activist / pain in the ass" and perennial New York City Mayoral Candidate Christopher X. Brodeur is back, and ready for 2005.

In an act that can only be defined as mind-numbingly idiotic, Richard Hatch, the first winner of reality show Survivor, has failed to report his $1 million prize to the IRS. Hatch is charged with filing a false tax return in 2000 that somehow omitted his six-figure winnings and another erroneous return in 2001 that didn't reflect $321K worth of income. Oopsies! We really do appreciate Hatch's attempts to evade Johnny Law (hell, we don't want to pay for the Inaugural Ball either), but being obnoxious, gay, and naked on national television isn't exactly laying low. And really, tattooing "F the IRS" on his dick and dollar signs on his ass was overkill.

Today's excuse to mention Vincent Gallo? Why, it's The Washington Post's 'Names & Faces' column, which gets off to a great start with the provocative lead "Vincent Gallo is back." Indeed! As the WaPo continues:

· Post Golden Globes rundown: Tobey Maguire reportedly backed out of an appearance because he's grown rather pudgy, Mischa Barton and Brandon Davis reportedly got into a public spat, and Quentin Tarantino reportedly "snuggled" with someone other than his girlfriend, Sofia Coppola. Just another glamorously fucked-up Hollywood night! [Page Six]
· Libidinous actor Colin Farrel is being sued by a phone sex operater, who claims that after a "session," he bombarded her with phone calls and text messages. Like any smart girl would, she's written about it on her website. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Because seeing her frozen smile on the Today Show isn't frightening enough, Katie Couric engages in some very public displays of saliva-soaked affection with beau Chris Botti. [Page Six]
· Donald Trump vows not to cheat on Melania Knauss. Which is kinda what we thought marriage was about, but we appreciate his PR-laced effort at clarifying his devotion to his arm candy. [Lowdown]

Those crazy kids over at the Associated Press really get us, you know? They know you don't want to hear about Iraqi elections or that Abbas dude. They understand that braving the sickening cold outside just to sit under the flourescent lights of your cubicle is depressing enough, especially after a holiday weekend. So, in an act of sheer generousity, the empathetic AP photo staff is making your Tuesday (which, as of right now, is the new Monday) a bit more tolerable with a possible nip slip from our favorite kept woman, Donald Trump's fianc e Melania Knauss. While the image is still in our nip-slip forensics lab for extensive testing, we at Gawker firmly believe in the veracity of Knauss's crooked areola.

· There are two ways to pay homage to the great Martin Luther King, Jr. For those looking to become better, more socially aware people, there's the "Race in America" program at the Museum of Jewish Heritage, which features a screening of an Oscar-nominated documentary on King as well as a discussion between Rabbi Marc Schneier (President of the Foundation for Ethnic Understanding) and Russell Simmons (hip-hop overlord, husband to pot-smoking, bad-driving-Asian Kimora)... [MJH]
· ...Or, for those people looking to just get crunked all up in the club, there's the Roots Down party with DJ Kid Named Miles (from eclectic groovers Breakestra) at Table 50. [Table 50]
· ...And, for the indie kids, Gothamist presents Movable Hype 1.5, the second in their series of musical showcases, featuring Fort Ancient, Morning Theft, and other bands you don't know. $7 gets you all this and an open bar while it lasts. Proceeds go to charity and you can expect lots of digital cameras. [Gothamist]

The size-queens at the Datalounge get down to the dirty business of examining the contents of Owen Wilson's Speedo. Here's a sampling of the careful forensic investigation:

Jonathan Cheban speaks out against PartyBuddys [sic], the nightlife assistance group that promises to help even the most pathetic person gain entry past the velvet ropes:

Last week in an item on the Carnival Cruise Lines/Apprentice cruise vacations, we said "we're waiting for the Fear Factor cruise."

· Director Vincent Gallo says Kirsten Dunst is "a cold, curt, nasty little witch of a brat on the phone," after Dunst backed out of Brown Bunny at the last minute. We say Dunst is surprisingly intelligent. [Page Six]
· Actor/psychotic-director Mel Gibson snaps on poor Times stringer David Jay Lansky. Lansky made the mistake of identifying himself as a reporter from the Gray Lady, and Gibson promptly advised the wee lad not to "fuck with" the rabid Catholic star. [R&M (2nd item)]
· It's official: Jennifer Aniston has moved in with her hairdresser, Chris McMillan. At least her tresses will survive the drama. [ELK]
· Fox News' online gimp Roger Friedman creates a scene when questioning Hollywood Foreign Press president Lorenzo Soria about the organization's nonprofit status. C'mon, Rog, no one likes harsh financial wrongdoing during awards season! [Lowdown (3rd item)]
· Courtney Love keeps custody of her child. We're as shocked as you are. [Page Six]
· Donna Karan's younger beau, J.J. Biasucci, used to be a gay stripper who was also charged with stalking an ex-girlfriend. Karan's camp claims the two parted ways at the end of last year, and for fashion's sake, we hope so too. [Gatecrasher]