· "Listen, Jane Seymour: Do you want that Dancing with the Stars disco ball trophy? Or do you want to whine about your dead mother? Exactly, so shut up and start foxtrotting."
· More Sex and the City movie spoilers: Mr. Big marries the evil witch from Sleeping Beauty! Poor Carrie. Always the bridesmaid.
· This all-Korean Jamiroquai cover-band is way better than they have any right to be. [via FunFriends]
· What's important isn't that you have an iPhone. What's important is that they think you have an iPhone.
· The guy who wrote Little Shop of Horrors is now pushing up Audrey IIs.

We probably felt the same way that you did upon reading this headline from USAToday.com: Could Jerry Lewis, America's Clown Prince and host of countless muscular dystrophy telethons, have possibly uttered such callous words about recently departed friend and contemporary Merv Griffin? Well, yes—yes he did, but as in all headline-grabbing celebrity soundbites, context is everything, and what might have come off like the equivalent of fellow prostate cancer sufferer Lewis taking an intermittent pee on Griffin's freshly filled grave was instead part of a larger interview, airing tomorrow on Entertainment Tonight, in which Lewis expressed frustration that Griffin didn't immediately seek the medical care he required to beat the stubborn disease.

· You think the insanity outside Kitson was an accident? Here's 10 reasons why Paris Hilton is a business genius.
· Today's star-studded Merv Griffin funeral featured best fag-hag Nancy Reagan (in—gasp!—white), and a Seacrest-in-mourning, working the same fierce sunglasses as his blonde companion.
· Join the crusade to halt filming downtown, possibly saving Nicole Kidman from untold injury.
· We forget: Are The Buzzcocks playing the Giant Juiced Dong stage or the Glistening Tube stage?
· And finally, enjoy this all-kitten reenactment of poorly received Body Snatchers remake, The Invasion.

· Offering a tour of the photos lining his office walls, Griffin once indicated he was on a nickname-only basis with the greatest civil rights crusader of our time: "Yes, here I am with John Kennedy...And here I am with Frank Sinatra...And here's Elizabeth Taylor...And Marty King..." [pastdeadline.com]
· The numbers you're probably wondering about: $1.6 billion, one son, two grandchildren. [LAT]
· Merv composed the Jeopardy theme music himself, which he banged out on his piano in less than 30 minutes— a melody he anticipated earned him somewhere between $70-$80 million, or what Merv dismissively referred to as "cabana boy tip money." [National Post]

• Charles Nelson Reilly, 76, actor [Variety]

As teased on Friday, the Anna Nicole Smith Autopsy Results Spectacular premiered today: Broward County medical examiner Dr. Joshua Perper concludes no foul play was involved, with the cause of death lying in the cumulative effect of no less than nine—count them, nine!—prescription drugs coursing her veins at the time of death, in addition to the "contributory causes" of a viral flu for which she refused to be treated, even when her temperature rose to 105°, and (courtesy warning for anyone currently eating) an abscess on her rear end, where she regularly injected herself with medication.

We really don't have it in us to list the brutal and tragic circumstances surrounding stand-up Richard Jeni's death Saturday, so we'll let CNN.com's Story Hightlights box do the depressing work for us. Jeni's official bio lists the comedian as holding the record for most appearances on The Tonight Show, making Jay Leno the most obvious choice for Extra to turn to for the comforting sentiments we all search for after a beloved, veteran entertainer's sudden, violent death:

Try as we might to hold on tight as the The Great American Anna Nicole Coaster takes us on its shriek-inducing journey, there really is no point, as there is always another 360° plunge lying ahead that you never quite saw coming. Case in point: this Phoenix New Times story about Marshall Soto, allegedly the 5-year-old product of an affair Smith had with Johnny Soto, a handyman from the Tohono O'odham Nation she met during a stay at the Sanctuary Resort and Spa on Camelback Mountain. To call the article a must-read is an understatement. An example:

In the midst of life we are in death, the saying goes, and Entertainment Tonight has always been the go-to source for Anna Nicole Smith exclusives on both sides of that equation, guaranteeing you a front row seat for everything from C-sections to her interment. In today's "Graveside Exclusive," read all about estranged mom Virgie Arthur shovels multiple mounds of earth upon her casket (51 scoops, according to some eyewitness accounts), then, as they tastefully put it, "walks on her grave!" Should you want to pass along the dignified coverage to someone you care about, or merely trick a co-worker into believing the funeral's officiating minister was Mr. T, the "SEND TO A FRIEND" link directly above the grieving Arthur is a convenient click away.

If you awoke today to find an eerie hush having fallen across the land, and the morning drive unsettlingly devoid of other commuters, fret not—the apocalypse is not yet upon us. One of its more significant, prophesied signs, however, is. ("And she shall come down from Mexia, bedding men of all ages; and she shall plug diet pills; and she shall lose one child and birth another, immaculately; and a former Guns n' Roses guitarist shall see her into Heaven." Trimspa 6:18 ) At this moment, Anna Nicole Smith's remains are parked outside Mount Horeb Baptist Church in Nassau, awaiting her long overdue funeral; if you are not doing so already, get thee immediately to nbc6.net's live feed (a reportedly $5000 investment that quickly pays for itself in emotional dividends), where you can telerelay your final respects. Goodbye, America's fun, busty, methadone-pickled rose.

In a National! Enquirer! Exclusive!, the pioneering periodical, which long ago perfected the winning tabloid formula of sketchily sourced celebrity exposés interspersed with white trash recipes, reports that the autopsy performed on Anna Nicole Smith revealed the cause of her death to be pneumonia. Drugs played a part only so much as the prescription meds she was washing down with contraband SlimFast shakes were masking the illness's potentially fatal symptoms:

In the off chance you haven't been furiously clicking the refresh button on your browser for the past hour or tuned into CNN's round-the-clock coverage, we thought we'd update you on the latest developments in the Anna Nicole Smith body custody trial, wherein a seemingly pre-menstrual Circuit Judge Larry Seidlin delivered a weepy-yet-wise ruling that awarded Anna Nicole to none of the major players, but to Dannielynn's guardian, thereby bringing her daughter that much closer what every little five-month-old girl wants: The rapidly deteriorating remains of their birthing vessel:

· TMZ got their hands on a mindblowing document: Quethlie Alexis, Smith's Bahamian nanny, testified in a sworn affidavit that she was ordered to underfeed Dannielynn because Anna Nicole was "obsessed with making sure that her baby was 'sexy.'" She'd enforce the order by keeping the baby monitor on at all times. Also: She threatened to "shoot her" if the baby were to ever call Alexis "Mummy." Also: She tried to kill herself twice, once with a bottle of sleep aids, another by drowning herself in the pool. Also: Upon rescuing her from the pool, Stern said, "If anything happens to you, I would go to jail." Also: She was in all probability doing the Bahamian immigration minister six ways from Sunday. [TMZ]
· The ever helpful folks at ET/The Insider released some previously unseen footage from their exclusive first interview after Daniel died, in which a vengeful Anna Nicole hints at "stories" about "all the things [my mother] did to me." Apparently, she had the audacity to accuse Anna Nicole of being a drug user who put herself and her family at risk! [YouTube]
· Here's an unearthed video of Anna Nicole frolicking naked in a bathtub for an Italian journalist, rendered even more erotic by the automaton announcer narrating in German. Highlight: When she vacuum-seals her breasts in a shower curtain liner. Very NSFW. [DrunkenStepfather]
· Everything you didn't want to know about the current state of Anna Nicole's body: As a judge has granted Larry Birkhead's request to keep her body in Florida until accurate DNA testing occurred, she remains in refrigeration. Howard K. Stern and her mother want her released and embalmed as quickly as possible, for fear that "it will not be suitable for viewing or funeral purposes." [AP]
· And just as quickly, the judge changes his mind: Cleared for burial! [Extra]

· Hollywood Police Capt. Tony Rode has since deflected all inquiries back to Seminole PD, saying "This investigation belongs to the Seminole Police Department. You are looking at the extent of our role." If you're anticipating a botched, inept investigation, fear not: They own at least one helicopter! (But they are trying to unload it to the highest bidder.) [AP, SeminoleSheriff.org]
· Anna Nicole's "lifeless" body, reports TMZ (guess she's still dead!), is currently being held at the Florida morgue, and mother Virgie Arthur wants to claim it as soon as possible for burial. But, they report, a tug-of-war is underway, as "Anna's people" (i.e. the Howard K. Stern camp) are trying to negotiate a deal with Larry Birkhead's lawyers: release your hold on the body, and get a DNA sample of Anna Nicole. The catch? No DNA sample of the baby. [TMZ]
· Bahamian Immigration Minister Shane Gibson response to allegations that he sped through Anna Nicole's citizenship application: "Absolutely not." He then spent the rest of Monday snuggling fully clothed in bed with every other applicant, to prove he shows no favoritism.
· Larry Birkhead says he attended infant-care classes on his own in anticipation of Dannielynn's birth, as well as baby CPR classes, in case "there was an emergency." [NY Daily News]

Much has been made of a photo revealing Anna Nicole Smith's final refrigerator contents—in particular a Costco-sized bottle of methadone and several cans of Slim-Fast meal replacement shakes. (The French's Worcestershire Sauce and spray-on butter sitting in the door were for some reason ignored, despite well-documented evidence that suggests they cause hearts to instantly explode when ingested together.) [CORRECTION: A representative from Reckitt Benckiser, the parent company of the French's brand of quality, heart-safe condiments, wrote in with this correction: " There is no such documented evidence." We regret this error, and promise that all future—and wholly inaccurate!—jokes involving Worcestershire sauce will be made at the expense of Lea & Perrins.] TrimSpa CEO Alex Goen—who hasn't been this fidgety since an interviewer called to find out who won that Viper in the Million Dollar Makeover Challenge—recently talked to Court TV about the mysterious death of their public face, Anna Nicole Smith:

· Virgie Arthur, Anna Nicole's mom and strong proponent of the "I think she had too many drugs" theory of death, arrived in the Bahamas today to explore all her "options" (translation: ask Bahamian authorities what, exactly, they know about this Howard K. Stern creep) with respect to her impending custody battle over Dannielynn. [TMZ, Extra]
· TMZ has saved us all the trouble of having to draft our own flow charts to figure out how much, if any, of J. Howard Marshall's billions might be coming Dannielynn's way. [TMZ]
· An L.A. judge rejected Larry Birkhead's request of an emergency DNA test on Anna Nicole's remains. His attorney claimed this was to prevent a "bait and switch" during paternity testing, but we suspect it has something to do with cloning another Anna Nicole. [Reuters]
· Speaking of Larry Birkhead, his website has a poetic tribute to her passing, in which we learn he called her his "sweet potato." [LarryBirkhead.net]
· TrimSpa is so beside themselves, they can barely eat. [TrimSpa]
· The AP provides a handy compendium of the legal messes she left behind. [AP]
· But what about the final, Z-movie performance? Illegal Aliens director David Giancola is "shell-shocked" at the news. Citizens of Johnstown, NY: We'd call ahead to see if that sneak preview at the mall is still happening. [ABCNews]
· Surprisingly, this unearthed 2004 photograph reveals that Marilyn Monroe held a fascination with the doomed, ditzy blonde bombshell. [EOnline]
· In a touching tribute to their future celebrity pupil, Anna Nicole's former high school teachers "vaguely recall the unspectacular student." [Reuters]
· Goodbye, Mexia's yellow rose...[YouTube]

8. For Your Consideration: Jesus
Shortly after the 1999 Oscars, Anna Nicole offered some startlingly lucid thoughts on the ceremonies to an interviewer with a very Jesusy agenda who had managed to infiltrate the otherwise Godless pageant. Smith raves about "the Italy guy"—we'll assume Roberto Benigni—going so far to liken herself to the aisle-eschewing auteur: "When I act like that, people think I'm drunk! But it's just happiness. It flows."

Behold the slow-spinning wheels of Island Justice, as an investigation by the Bahamian police department into the fatal overdose of Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son Daniel back in September has at last been presented to the D.A's office, bringing them that much closer to a decision over whether or not a formal inquest into the death will be necessary. Director of Public Prosecutions Bernard Turner defends the delay:

A reader just told us that WCBSTV.com is running a live feed of the James Brown body viewing at the Apollo. Their streaming seems to be Mac-unfriendly, but any PC users out there wanting to pay the Godfather some last respects—now's your chance!

While porcupine-becoiffed superproducer Brian Grazer (don't worry—we won't use the headshot) has long been developing a big screen treatment of James Brown's life story with the cooperation of the legend himself, just two days after the singer's death comes a report that Spike Lee has signed on to direct. And although Grazer wasn't necessarily looking for a Hollywood ending, something about Brown hip-gyrating off this mortal coil on Christmas Day makes for a satisfyingly spectacular conclusion to the life of a Soul Messiah: