In honor of Gerald Ford, who "died peacefully" yesterday in Rancho Mirage, we revisit this Dana Carvey SNL sketch—probably one of our favorites of all time—in which Tom Brokaw is required to tape news promos covering just about every other possible conceivable cause of death for the former President. It even includes one scenario that makes room for the possibility of Brokaw simultaneously coming out of the closet. "What?" the producer responds to his protests. "One day. You wake up. You like men. Gerald Ford dies, and we're screwed!" We know the feeling. We really do.

UPDATE: A reader informs us the Rule of Threes has already been fulfilled, as Martin Nodell, creator of the Green Lantern and the Pillsbury Dough Boy (who famously joined forces in crossover issue #278, "The Ring And The Dinner Crescent,") died Dec. 9 at age 91.

• Actor Peter Boyle dead at 71 [AP]

TMZ.com has scored a major find in the Anna Nicole Smith three-ring tragedy circus: A sworn declaration by a woman named Laurie Payne, who befriended Smith in 2005 in the Florida Keys when they were introduced through a common acquaintance, Smith's friend-with-benefits G. Ben Thompson, a real estate developer from South Carolina. The declaration contains several bombshell revelations, among them that Larry Birkhead is indeed the father of Dannielynn, and that Payne had witnessed Smith take "a rather high dose" of Xanax, in addition to having herself "personally administered" Anna Nicole pills from a bottle unsubtly marked "Methadone" during the pregnancy. An e-mail allegedly sent from Smith to Payne also came attached to the declaration:

Ours is not to cast judgment upon Bill Maher's choice of costume, nor, for that matter, to say what constitutes an appropriate waiting period before a freak celebrity death becomes fair game for laughs—after all, 40 years still hasn't made it possible to show up to a Hollywood Halloween soirée as a "decapitated Jayne Mansfield" without hearing at least a couple tsks of derision from offended partygoers. Still, if Maher simply had to go to the Playboy Mansion (or whatever monster bimbo bazaar he opted to attend this year) dressed as Steve Irwin with a stingray barb hanging out of his chest, one would have hoped he would have more fully embraced the "tasteless mockery of untimely, recent tabloid deaths" theme by throwing Al Franken in a short, blonde wig, giving him an oversized, prop pill-bottle marked "METHADONE," and introducing everyone to his "bunkmate in celebrity heaven, Daniel Smith."

Feel better about your life this Monday morning with your latest Anna Nicole update, in an easy-to-digest, round-up format:
· About 50 of Daniel Smith's relatives, including his father Billy Smith, took it upon themselves to take the first appropriate step since his death and gather at the First Baptist Church of Mexia, Tex., pop. 6000, for a largely false-eyelash-free (but big-haired) memorial service. Most of the attendees hadn't seen Daniel since he was a young kid who loved horses and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. And even though Anna Nicole nor David's body were present at the memorial, we're confident the business-savvy, grieving mom will find a way to sell the exclusive photos to the highest bidder. [People.com]
· The Scoop notes that the swiftness with which Anna Nicole was whisked through the Bahamian immigration system to become a full citizen—three weeks—has caused something of a local uproar. Amazing what you can get done with an alleged $10,000 check (or 1/100 of one People photo sale) delivered to the home of the Bahamas' immigration minister. [MSNBC.com]
· Debra Opri and Ron Rale, the attorneys for Larry Birkhead and Smith, respectively, are facing off in the media, with Opri's open appeals for a paternity test on behalf of her client eliciting the following response from Rale: "I will not discuss what was or was not said in chambers, but I do not believe Ms. Opri should make such comments to the press." To which he then added, "And just to make sure we're clear on this, I'm Anna Nicole's lawyer lawyer, not her 'creepy dude who exchanged nonbinding vows with her on a catamaran' lawyer." [ETOnline]

People has posted their $1 million get: the exclusive photos of Anna Nicole Smith and Howard K. Stern's symbolic-union-at-sea. From the looks of it, that fee further prorates to approximately $125k per zonked-out portrait of Smith and her legally unbinding lawyer/lifemate/rock exchanging "vows and temporary rings before a Baptist minister." (We'll assume any glasses being smashed after the "I do's" were purely accidental and probably methadone-related.) And while varying eyewitness reports have placed everything at the scene from Dom Perignon-powered speedboats to pasty-enhanced breast feeding sessions, the reality was that Smith's fake party-boat marriage was the kind of modest and low-key affair that is not at all out of place for someone who just lost their son to a mysterious drug overdose weeks before:

The Us Weeky blog has further details regarding Larry Birkhead's lawsuit against Anna Nicole. Birkhead isn't just claiming paternity—he wants full legal custody of the child, as he alleges that Howard K. Stern is enabling Smith's methadone addiction (the fatal key ingredient in her son's death), and that the reason she delivered in the Bahamas was to avoid tests that would reveal the baby had methadone in her system as well:

Blushing commitment ceremony participant Anna Nicole Smith and the main mensch in her life, Howard K. Stern, seemed to have taken the day off yesterday from their whirlwind mourning schedule in memory of her son Daniel; perhaps the two were solemnly atoning for a year's worth of opportunistic sins in a Dom Perignon-stocked catamaran off the coast of Nassau. In any case, the Anna Nicole circus is back in full force with its cast of payout-seekers, scoop-hungry editors, litigious ex-boyfriends and bumbling Caribbean law enforcement clowns. A round-up:
· Radar is reporting that People has purchased the photos of the couple's lucrative photo-op legally nonbinding hitching-at-sea for a cool $1 million, an expense the magazine justified by writing it off as another generous charitable donation to the worthy cause of eradicating poverty in Anna Nicole Smith. [Radar]
· Why would anyone in their right mind pay $1 million for a legally nonbinding hitching-at-sea? Because one photo has Anna Nicole holding her newborn wearing nothing but pasties. As if that wasn't enough of a cruel tease for hungry little Dannielynn, sources overhead Smith drunkenly asking her daughter, "Want some milk? Want a Viper? Like my body? TrimSpa, baby!!!" [Gawker]
· Smith, still in the Bahamas, was served with papers yesterday from the other creepy guy in her life, Larry Birkhead, who wants mother and daughter to return to LA immediately for paternity testing. The Royal Bahamas Police Force, meanwhile, is still not completely satisfied with Smith's private autopsy findings that son Daniel died of a methadone-and-antidepressants overdose, and are still pursuing several theories, including the, "Hey—let's drag this out and cash in on some more free publicity!" theory. [AP]

In an update to yesterday's feel-good announcement that Anna Nicole Smith had married her lawyer/babydaddy/ dead-son's-photo-broker Howard K. Stern aboard the S.S. Trainwreck, the AP is now reporting that the marriage off the coast of Nassau wasn't official, but merely a commitment ceremony between two sedated soulmates:

While we're rusty on the various stages of grieving—we know denial and anger are in there somewhere—we're almost certain that "quickie marriage aboard a party boat just a few miles from where your 20-year-old son died weeks before" is not among them. And yet, that appears to be exactly how Anna Nicole Smith is processing yesterday's toxicology report findings that Daniel Smith died of a drug overdose: by marrying Howard K. Stern, the lawyer/daddy figure/creepy lurking presence in her life who just days ago told Larry King he fathered her baby. Star magazine has the exclusive:

In a world exclusive that must have led to plenty of hushed, solemn high-fiving and low-key fist-pumping around the People magazine editorial offices, the celebrity weekly is claiming dibs on the results of the toxicology report from a private autopsy performed on Anna Nicole Smith's son. The results indicated the boy had a fatal cocktail of methadone and anti-depressants coursing through his veins:

Lingering Anna Nicole Smith confidante/protector /hourly-legal-fee-charger Howard K. Stern was interviewed by Larry King last night, during which the veteran broadcaster launched some confusingly worded softballs related to Smith's son's sudden death. (eg: "KING: You know, a lot of parents go through a lot of things when a child dies, including guilt. Is she feeling any of that this was my fault?"). Several new pieces of the puzzle emerged, most notable among them that Stern is claiming to be the father of Smith's baby daughter:

As details surrounding the sudden, untimely death of Anna Nicole Smith's son continue to trickle out with all the comforting regularity of a Chinese water torture, and the LAST PHOTOS™ on the verge of making their newsstand debut, we bring you up to date with a Daniel Smith round-up:

TMZ is reporting that Dr. Cyril Wecht, the private pathologist hired to perform a second autopsy on her son, has now allowed that "it could be a drug-related death of an accidental nature," while an unnamed source tells them that there were multiple prescription drugs in Daniel Smith's system, not just the single anti-depressant alluded to yesterday. Wecht later went on an expletive-filled tirade against Bahamian Coroner Linda Virgill, who stands firm that the "cause of death is known," yet for some reason still doesn't feel so secure in her "Mr. Green with the lead pipe in the library" theory as to share it with the world.

The celebrity gossip machine appears to have fully clued into the fact that they are a sitting on a potential goldmine with the death of Anna Nicole Smith's son—it's the kind of botched investigation story that just keeps on giving. First we had the official coroner hinting at third parties in the room, possible foul play and pending criminal charges, only to follow up with zilch on all three counts. Then came the independently ordered, second autopsy by "world class" pathologist Cyril Wecht, who so far sees nothing suspicious, but did reveal that Daniel was taking antidepressants at the time. (TMZ has video of him saying as much here, followed by some heartwarming photos of the covered body being transported.) People now has the latest incremental update in this not-developing story:

On Friday, our East Coast big sister Gawker noted that an email had landed in the inbox of all the celebrity weeklies' top editors, offering them the once-in-a-newscycle opportunity to cash in on someone's else's tragedy. Getty Images informed them that for $200k, plus an assurance of "no negative press," they could have 17 photos of Anna Nicole Smith beaming in a hospital bed with newborn daughter and Daniel, the son who would be found mysteriously dead in the same building the very next day, at her side. A bidding war ensued, with third-tier glossy In Touch reportedly scoring the World's Most Depressing Photoset for a sum well north of $300k, now rightly theirs to splatter across a cover accompanied by 190-pt, canary-yellow block-lettering screaming some variation of, "ANNA NICOLE'S LAST MINUTES OF HAPPINESS." The personal snapshot nature of the photos—some previews of which are above, the rest over at Gawker—has raised questions of how Getty obtained them in the first place, and who is benefitting from the winning bid.

The shadowy circumstances surrounding the death of Anna Nicole Smith's 20-year-old son grow ever more sinister, as the Bahamian coronor, an obvious cliffhanger buff, has told the AP that she now knows who and/or what led to the massive heart attack that killed him, but isn't yet at liberty to say:

What should have been, for all intents and purposes, the most joyous of blogging occasions—everyone's favorite car wreck at the corner of Crazy St. and White Trash Ave., Anna Nicole Smith, giving birth to a baby girl—has been dimmed considerably with news that Smith's 20-year-old son, Daniel, has been found dead in the Bahamas. He was there to visit his mother, who had delivered three days earlier:

As if having a name that immediately conjures up Santa Claus's twee, frostnipped nose wasn't adorable enough, recently deceased comedian Red Buttons once described himself as 'the only Yiddish leprechaun,' an image so delightful, it was highlighted in the above subhed from his CNN.com obit. We can only hope there are no disagreements among his surviving relatives over the pot o' gelt he left behind.