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Try as we might to hold on tight as the The Great American Anna Nicole Coaster takes us on its shriek-inducing journey, there really is no point, as there is always another 360° plunge lying ahead that you never quite saw coming. Case in point: this Phoenix New Times story about Marshall Soto, allegedly the 5-year-old product of an affair Smith had with Johnny Soto, a handyman from the Tohono O'odham Nation she met during a stay at the Sanctuary Resort and Spa on Camelback Mountain. To call the article a must-read is an understatement. An example:

They rarely left the townhouse-style dwelling, having room service bring them champagne, oysters, steak, anything they wanted. At one point, Smith had a yen for fried chicken, so she sent her limo driver in search of a KFC. He returned with five buckets of Extra Crispy, and container after container of mashed potatoes with gravy — a fave of Smith's. (At one point, she smeared potatoes and gravy all over Soto's privates and licked them off.) Soto noticed strains of racism in Smith's attraction to him, but he was having too good a time to refuse her demands.

"At first, it was all in fun," Soto details. "She'd call my you-know-what her 'tomahawk,' her 'wooden Indian,' or 'big wampum.' Sometimes she'd ask me to do a war dance naked with this feather from one of her dresses stuck in my baseball cap. I tried to tell her that the Tohono O'odham don't wear feathers, but she didn't care. She thought it was funny, and it turned her on, so I did it, though I have no idea if our people even have a war dance."

The implications of Anna Nicole's insatiable appetite for gravy with her racist sex fantasies are profound, for if the elder Soto successfully proves Marshall is hers (and he is in possession of several compelling pieces of evidence—including a love letter reading, no joke, "Oh, my brave Injun-man, how I long to be with you and feel your red manhood. Look after my little paapoosie [sic], and soon I'll be your squaw again. I love you, kemosabe, Anna"), the boy would be the rightful heir to her estate. Not only that, but the tragically kinless Dannielynn would have a half-brother out there, a fact the two would not figure out until they were well underway fighting the dark forces of Lord Howard K. Stern, somewhere towards the end of Smith Wars Episode III: Return of the O'oodham.

UPDATE: It was all a hoax, illustrating how obsessed the media is with celebrity, or something. Boy, do we feel duped!