This image was lost some time after publication.

If you awoke today to find an eerie hush having fallen across the land, and the morning drive unsettlingly devoid of other commuters, fret not—the apocalypse is not yet upon us. One of its more significant, prophesied signs, however, is. ("And she shall come down from Mexia, bedding men of all ages; and she shall plug diet pills; and she shall lose one child and birth another, immaculately; and a former Guns n' Roses guitarist shall see her into Heaven." Trimspa 6:18 ) At this moment, Anna Nicole Smith's remains are parked outside Mount Horeb Baptist Church in Nassau, awaiting her long overdue funeral; if you are not doing so already, get thee immediately to nbc6.net's live feed (a reportedly $5000 investment that quickly pays for itself in emotional dividends), where you can telerelay your final respects. Goodbye, America's fun, busty, methadone-pickled rose.