'National Enquirer' First To Hit 'Official Cause Of Anna Nicole's Death' Buzzer
In a National! Enquirer! Exclusive!, the pioneering periodical, which long ago perfected the winning tabloid formula of sketchily sourced celebrity exposés interspersed with white trash recipes, reports that the autopsy performed on Anna Nicole Smith revealed the cause of her death to be pneumonia. Drugs played a part only so much as the prescription meds she was washing down with contraband SlimFast shakes were masking the illness's potentially fatal symptoms:
[P]reliminary findings reveal that tests performed during the autopsy show Anna Nicole had a severe case of pneumonia. Prescription drugs that she had taken made the condition worse and did play a role in her death. The full toxicology report has not yet been completed.
Sources very close to the death investigation told The ENQUIRER that the prescription drugs masked the seriousness of her pneumonia. Anna Nicole had previously been hospitalized for pneumonia in the Bahamas after her son died.
This time, the painkillers Anna Nicole was taking masked her symptoms and quickened the deadly effects of the pneumonia.
If the Enquirer's report is true (and, really, why shouldn't it be? They did such a compellingly authentic job with their Photoshopped "re-creation" of her corpse), then we doubt any could feign surprise: Her fate was sealed long ago inside one of those scores of identical, orange plastic vials that lined her medicine cabinet, differentiated only by labels that read, "Take Me If You're Feelin' Sick," "Take Me If You're Feelin' Like A Sad Clown," and "Take Me If You're Feelin' Anything At All."
