Perhaps depressed that his evil, publicity-boosting plan to cut Jerry Seinfeld's zip-line with a comically oversized pair of scissors and send the Bee Movie star hurtling into the sea was foiled by a last-second bout of conscience, DreamWorks Animation head cheerleader Jeffrey Katzenberg refrained from making any bold predictions about Shrek the Third's shot at topping Spider-Man 3's box office record this weekend:

Welcome to the Second Official Monday Morning of Blockbuster Season! The numbers aren't quite as impressive as last weekend's, but they should hold you over until Shrek shows up on Friday to narcotize the children of America:

· NBC has pre-upfront pick-up fever, renewing the critically beloved, but anemically rated, Friday Night Lights for a second season. ("First be best, then be first" is the Peacock motto stitched into a throw pillow on Kevin Reilly's couch.) Also making the schedule: new dramas The Bionic Woman, Chuck, Journeyman and Life. [Variety]
· Barry Sonnenfeld is in talks to direct supernatural adventure The Box for Fox, prompting the best headline of the morning: "Sonnenfeld Ponders Fox's 'Box'." Can't wait for "Barry All Up Inside Fox's Box" when the deal closes. [THR]
· You already know all about Ari Emanuel's opinion of the Chris Albrecht ouster, but the industry's feelings on the matter remain complicated. Recovering addict/friend/Deadwood producer David Milch says Time Warner did the right thing even if they were just afraid of the bad press: "All these people saying the corporation should have forgiven him, what they're really saying is the corporation should have kept him sick."[Variety]
· Forgiving the franchise for its later floppy-eared, jive-talking transgressions against their craft, The Visual Effects Society recognizes Star Wars as having the most influential special effects of all time. [THR]
· Var boldly predicts that Spider-Man 3 will crush new competition Georgia Rule and 28 Weeks Later, but does note Spidey's fallen off the record-setting pace of last summer's Pirates sequel.. [Variety]

· After shattering a number of box office records in Asia, Spider-Man 3 is now making a mockery of European ticket-buying benchmarks. Based on this preliminary data, we now predict a $400 million opening weekend in America, kicking off an eventual $3 billion domestic run. [Variety]
· We much prefer THR's "Tom Poston, master of sidekicks" obit headline to yesterday's weak "clueless everyman" effort. [THR]
· Emma Roberts will star "as a spoiled Malibu princess" in the Universal comedy Wild Child; accusations that Auntie Julia somehow got her the role by promising Universal a favor to follow. [Variety]
· NY Mayor Michael Bloomberg honors late MPAA copyright enforcer Jack Valenti's legacy by announcing a "three-pronged" attack on the city's movie pirates. [THR]
· Still giddy over the huge piles of cash Frank Miller's 300 generated for them, Warner Bros. options the rights to his graphic novel Ronin. They plan to shoot in the same CGI-heavy way, hoping that hordes of well-muscled "gangs of mutants and thugs" with computer-enhanced six-packs will prove as wildly popular as the first project's sweaty, ripped Greeks. [Variety]

With the major studios about to release roughly five-thousand big-budget sequels (among them Pirates 3, Shrek the Third, Harry Potter the Fifth, Ocean's 13, Die Hard 4, and, of course, Fantastic Four 2: We'll Just Netflix 'Into the Blue' If We Want to Ogle Jessica Alba) into a marketplace so overcrowded with product that multiplex lobbies will be clogged like the streets of Calcutta from May until August, at least one "sure thing" is bound to bring in a disappointing™ number and have its executives contemplating a suicide pact rather than suffer the humiliation of having to explain what went wrong to the media. Since Spider-Man 3 might already be The Most Expensive Movie Ever Made, Slate wonders if it might be this summer's little web-slinging underachiever even if it shatters Aquaman's opening weekend record:

Take some time to review the weekend box office numbers, the only thing that can temporarily distract you from your Garfieldian dread of Monday mornings:

Dive right in to the weekend box office numbers, a refreshing break from the fresh hell represented by the beginning of yet another soul-crushing work week:

Take a moment to appreciate the specialness of this Monday morning, where Shia LaBeouf is currently the biggest movie star in America. No one will begrudge you a little vodka in your coffee as you try to adjust to the brave new world in which you suddenly find yourself living. The weekend box office numbers, served cold:

Your post-Easter hangover is so severe you think you can actually hear the half-eaten package of Peeps on your desk going quickly stale. Distract yourself from the unpleasant sound of hardening marshmallows with the box office numbers:

You spent the weekend in an alcohol-induced coma that helped to blot out the mentally scarring memories of the previous five days; unfortunately, you've awakened just in time for another week of humiliation and pain, with nothing but the box office numbers to cling to in this hour of desperation.

It's the last Monday in March and you think you've finally adjusted to daylight savings time. High five the guy in the cubicle to your right and reward yourself with a quick trip through the weekend box office numbers:

As you grab your head, trying to fight back the waves of nausea still lingering after Saturday's debauchery long enough to remember where you buried that leprechaun's body—hey, he looked like a leprechaun after that tenth whiskey—take a few moments to review the weekend box office numbers. They'll fix you right up. They always do.

Did you know that 300 had the third-best start for an R-rated movie, ever? It did! Learn this and other amazing facts by perusing the weekend box office numbers:

It's time once again to soothe the festering wounds of the weekend by slathering ourselves in the miraculous, healing unguent of the box office numbers:

We're always a little surprised that studios and exhibitors don't halt all operations in solemn observance of Oscar weekend, but we suppose that even Hollywood ostensibly pauses to celebrate excellence in its field, it still needs to make sure people have access to the crap that keeps it in business. On to the box office numbers!

If the Founding Fathers whose lives we celebrate on this Presidents Day were still drawing breath, they'd want you to spend this entire Monday contemplating the box office numbers:

Rouse yourself from your Monday morning nap long enough to take a quick tour of the weekend's box office numbers:

As you try to piece together how your prized beer helmet was shattered into a dozen pieces and which of your friends scribbled Peyton Manning's likeness on your genitals while you were passed out, ponder the simpler mystery represented by the weekend's box office numbers:

· Sundance hands out its awards, with Padre Nuestro winning the dramatic competition's grand jury prize, the John Cusack-starring Grace is Gone winning the drama audience award, and Brazilian corruption film Manda Bala (Send a Bullet) taking the documentary jury prize. [Variety]
· Will Arnett joins Will Ferrell's ABA basketball comedy Semi-Pro as a "hard-drinking sports commentator," probably reducing the chances that audiences will get to see him in knee-high tube socks and nut-hugging shorts, but increasing the chances he will appear in a mustard-colored sportsjacket while openly swigging from a whiskey bottle at courtside. [THR]
· CBS is forced to cancel Armed and Famous after American Idol's Nielsen death ray disintegrates its audience, while ABC moves fledgling Knights of Prosperity out of Idol's competition-annihilating path. [Variety]
· Night at the Museum holds off Pursuit of Happyness to continue its five-week reign atop the international box office. [THR]
· Hoping to lock up the coveted Ron Silver endorsement, Rudolph Giuliani plans to visit L.A. to raise money for his exploratory committee for a 2008 presidential run. [Variety]

Choke down this weekend's box office numbers, which go down as smoothly as a coffee cup filled with rusty nails: