We think Sartre said it best: "Hell is other people; also, Monday mornings." As you embark on yet another seemingly endless work week, distract yourselves from your existential dread with the box office numbers:
· Columbia Pictures and Michael Mann rush to get their own project about fatally poisoned ex-KGB agent Alexander "Sasha" Litvinenko (this one based on the as-yet-unpublished Death of a Dissident book co-authored by Litvinenko's widow) into the development pipeline after losing a precious few days of lead time to rival Warner Bros. and Johnny Depp, who announced their own poisoned-spy project based on the as-yet-unpublished Sasha's Story on Friday. [Variety]
· NBC takes one step closer to its bold plan of having the Today Show stretch from the wee hours of the morning directly into its primetime offerings, adding a fourth hour to the gabfest. [THR]
· Working Title heads Tim Bevan and Eric Fellner happily hand over another seven years of their lives to Universal. [Variety]
· PBS locks up superstar Ken Burns with an exclusive contract running until 2022, preventing their prized documentary nerd from being tempted by the siren call of Discovery or the History Channel. [THR]
· Without an overseas Stomp the Yard release to capture foreign moviegoers' hearts, Night at the Museum dominates the international box office for a third straight weekend, earning $19.1 million. [Variety]
As you sit at your desk wondering whether your forced attendance on a federal holiday is somehow actionable, enjoy the weekend box office numbers:
Your heaping Monday morning helping of the still-steaming weekend box office results:
Mexican director Juan Catlett is suing Mel Gibson, claiming that the director lifted scenes from Return to Aztlan, his own, earlier movie about the end of the Mayan empire, for Apocalypto, allegations obviously orchestrated by Gibson's Jewish tormentors to further impede his already dim Oscar hopes. [Variety]
Pilot pick-up mania! NBC greenlights three drama pilots: a dysfunctional cop show from Dennis Leary and pals, a spy dramedy from The O.C.'s Josh Schwartz, and a new, probably ill-advised stab at The Bionic Woman. [THR]
Dancing with the Stars runner-up Mario Lopez is already reaping the impressive career benefits of not winning the high-rated celebrity waltz-off, replacing the guy from Desperate Housewives for the coveted gig of hosting the Miss America pageant on Country Music Television. [Variety]
THR triumphantly declares 2006 the Year of the Comeback at the international theaters, erasing the bitter memories of 2005, the Year That Too Many Sunny Weekends In Germany Sent Hollywood Into An Overseas Box Office Freefall. [THR]
Adult Swim nerds rejoice: The Aqua Teen Hunger Force movie is getting a March release date on 800
screens. [Variety]
From measuring-contest-obsessed Hollywood, where studios regularly unzip their pants and flop their bounty on the pages of Variety in deluxe gatefold ads, comes yet another story of an impressive box office performance, this time from a Katherine Heigl-Tom Sizemore vehicle we're almost certain you haven't seen, Zyzzyx Road:
Congratulations! You've survived 2006. Now sit right back down at that desk and do the same soul-crushing things for another 365 days, beginning with your morning review of the weekend box office results. (We present the 4-day grosses, because bigger numbers are more fun than smaller ones! Especially if you're a studio distribution executive!)
Toast surviving yet another Christmas relatively unscathed—save for that one unfortunate incident in which Grandma's ill-timed offering of a homemade sugar cookie during a particularly strenuous match of Wii bowling resulted in a controller
lodging itself into the base of her skull—with the holiday weekend's box office numbers:
1. Night at the Museum—$30 million
That Night at the Museum performed this well shouldn't come as that big of a surprise: God knows parents weren't going to bring their kids to an actual museum this weekend, where they would be forced to interact with their children for any number of hours, while being required to address questions whose answers may not necessarily have been covered by the exhibits' description plaques. Thanks to Ben Stiller's screen adventures, however, parents could feel secure in knowing their kids' weekend entertainment included valuable educational elements as well—that Teddy Roosevelt had a facility with multiple accents, for example, including "old Jewish man."
DGA ScreenerGate rages on! The Guild reverses its shocking no-screeners policy reversal by banning the DVDs for this award season, then promising there will be no awards campaigner mindfucking next year, when they'll be allowed. "The most awkward and disrespectful awards snafu of the year!" says Outraged Anonymous Exec of The Undisclosed Studio Review-Journal. [Variety]
Drumroll, please: The last Harry Potter book will be named Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Titillating rumor that we just made up: Harry and Hermione will finally get it on, as will Ron and the new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. [THR]
Rocky Balboa picks up $6.2 million on its first day of release, prompting MGM to rush out ads touting the film as the "Number One Movie In America On Wednesday, December 20th." [Variety]
NY circuit court judges, network lawyers, and the FCC carry on a lively debate about when people can say "fuck" and "shit" on live television. [THR]
· While Americans largely ignored Clint Eastwood's English-language World War II movie, the Japanese seem to really love the one he made in their tongue. [Variety]
For the three of you whose Hollywood offices haven't yet shut down for the holidays: Welcome! We'll be here with you all week. For now, take some of the sting out of your forced and largely senseless attendance with the box office numbers:
Pour yourself a steaming cup of the weekend box office numbers, still the only reliable cure for an office holiday party hangover:
Disney announces that it lay off 160 employees from their feature animation unit (Pixar workers are safe) in the next couple of weeks, generously offering newly superfluous employees an opportunity to spend much more time with their families during the holidays. [Variety]
Comedy Central orders six episodes of the Amp'd Mobile-originated animated comedy series Lil' Bush: Resident of the United States, a move that will surely send basic cable copycats scrambling to misguidedly snatch up the rights to whatever wallpapers and ringtones they find on their children's cellphones. [THR]
Foreign audiences once again prove they're not interested in seeing any film (not even the one with the rats going down the toilet!) but Casino Royale, which takes the international box office crown with $44.7 million, raising its worldwide total to $312.4 million. [Variety]
CBS extends David Letterman's contract through 2010, ensuring that Letterman will remain on the air longer than Jay Leno, who will be replaced on the The Tonight Show by Conan O'Brien in 2009 unless he discovers a way to quietly dispose of his youthful usurper. [THR/AP]
· Kevin Spacey finds a leading man for his MIT card-counting pet project 21, relative unknown Jim Sturgess. Spacey will produce, and may opt to play the lead's mentor himself. Please, no "Spacey mentors up-and-coming actor" jokes. You're far too classy for that. [Variety]
As you contemplate the possibility of scalding yourself to death under the "hot" tap on the office Sparkletts cooler, remember this: You are one Monday closer to your holiday vacation. Hang in there as you contemplate the weekend box office numbers:
Don't worry, it's completely normal for the energy-sapping effects of tryptophan to linger all the way to Monday morning. Revive yourself with a hit of the weekend box office numbers:
On Monday morning (especially on this post-Cruise wedding Monday), there is only pain. Dull the agony of your dreaded return to work with the weekend box office numbers:
Beat back your acute case of Monday morning depression with these pharmaceutical-grade box office mood enhancers:
Sneak a little bourbon into that first cup of coffee, have a couple of greedy swigs, and come to the weekend box office numbers with a healthy, Monday-kickstarting buzz on:
As you try to remove the stubborn vomit stains from the front of your "slutty librarian" costume that you don't even remember causing, take some time to review the Halloween weekend box office numbers:
Lay your head on your desk and have a quick nap. You've been back to work for minutes, and deserve a little break. When you awake, treat yourself to the weekend box office numbers:
Mondays mornings are Pain. But the Monday morning box office numbers are Relief.
