Kevin Federline's swift and illustrious rise up the Spears Industries ranks—humbly starting as a background dancer, then being promoted to Chief Bongwater Replacement Engineer, and ultimately landing a corner-office position as their Director of Knocking-Up Services—was as remarkable a transformation by any celebrity couchhusband in recent memory. Even once he was terminated, nothing could stop his lofty pimp ambitions, and it wasn't long before Super Bowl endorsement deals and meaty roles opposite industry giants like Chad Michael Murray began to pour in. So how Shorty-feting, bullet-riddled rap star 50 Cent could somehow lay the blame for Britney's recent troubles on K-Fed is anyone's guess:

As any self-respecting layabout-turned- failed-rapper- turned- custody-seeker would do, Kevin Federline has been working overtime to burnish the jaunty halo of responsibility he's placed atop his own head. His latest accomplice: One Tree Hill executive producer Mark Schwahn, who both compliments K-Fed on his two-episode guest stint and then tries to convince Us Weekly that he wasn't even aware of all the headlines — he just wanted that marvelous, talented bastard to grace his set:

• The language in the complaint to the Department of Children and Family Services about Britney Spears' mistreatment of her kids, which included "allegations of poor dental hygiene, as well as poor eating and sleeping habits," also showed up in a legal brief K-Fed's lawyer filed today. Huh. [TMZ]
  

Somebody in the child welfare business just got that Us Weekly subscription approved: After weeks of tabloid stories implying that skinny-dipping with a random college co-ed in Vegas, allegedly drinking in front of the kids, and reportedly shoving a bodyguard who is holding your son are somehow inappropriate acts, America's poster child for staying in school (not this one; the other one) is rumored to be under investigation by L.A. County officials for something potentially a lot worse than trying to Brite Smile her kids' choppers:

· The Daily Show is going to Iraq, eschewing the safety of the green screen to try its chances in the Green Zone.
· Now this is the way to quit your job. It looks like Ed Limato has one fewer qualified candidate for his blowfish-guarding detail.
· Mark Burnett has sold another show to NBC; think of this one as Are You Smarter Than the Friends and Family Members Paid A Nominal Fee to Humiliate You With Stories You Can Hardly Remember?
·You'd think by now that each time K-Fed gets a temp job, we wouldn't get so excited. But each new gig remains a fresh little thrill, and we can't wait to see what he's got in store for us on One Tree Hill.
· RIP, Leona Helmsley, the Queen of Mean.

In their ongoing efforts to elicit sworn statements from the innermost elements of Britney Spears's entourage, K-Fed's lawyers have now followed up their subpoena of assistant Alli Sims—who for the past two days has been spotted around town waving a pair of tightly clenched fists and insisting to bewildered passersby how she "still hasn't touched it!"—with one served last night to her Director of Fumbled-Baby-Catching Services. From the People.com report:

As Britney Spears' and K-Fed's toddlers are reduced to sending desperate S.O.S. notes to celebrity glossies via the carrier pigeons who have become their only friends and lifelines while encased in a chicken-wire prison in their mother's home, their quarreling parents continue to up the ante in the messy and contentious battle over who'll win the right to neglect the children full-time. In the latest development, K-Fed's lawyers served Spears' cousin and assistant Alli Sims with a subpoena to testify at the divorce hearings. (Watch the electrifying serving of the legal document in question here.) Federline's lawyer wouldn't offer details, saying only that Sims was "believed to have relevant information" regarding the case. Since this was the very same Alli Sims who reportedly sat back and did nothing as Britney shockingly tossed back glasses of post-rehab sake and wine, and more recently held a front-row seat to Britney's erratic OK!-photo-shoot transgressions, who better, then, to testify at Tuesday's custody hearing how the singer has been neglecting her kids in favor of cherished new family addition: couture-despoiling rat-dog, London?

• Alli Sims, Britney Spears' cousin-assistant, got served with papers by Kevin Federline's lawyer for the upcoming custody craziness. How could he want to take Brit-Brit's babies away? She is doing such a good job. [Us]
  

• Will Gay Talese's memoir of his four-decade open marriage to Doubleday publisher Nan Talese be Oprah's next book club pick? Maybe not! [R&M]
  

Apparently, the upcoming issue of Vanity Fair will feature a piece on that increasingly vital subset of the celebutard population, Guys Who Have Married, Impregnated, Or Serially Copulated With Women Who Possess More Wealth And/Or Fame Than They Do, an exposé on the hanger-on lifestyle (one which, in the words of writer Nancy Jo Sales, seems to have no downside) that will feature Kevin Federline, the guy from The Good Charlottes who knocked up Nicole Richie, and Cisco Adler, among others.

• Britney Spears and Kevin Federline's big marriage mistake is finally fixed, but Kevin still has the option to fight for full custody, which he'll probs get. Remember when we used to say things like "Poor Britney?" Yeah, that ship has sunk. [Us]
  

Gentlemen, hide your clippers; ladies, clean out your grease traps: Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are finally legally single. And despite K-Fed's alleged fury that she took the kids to Vegas without permission (why learn boring counting when you can learn to count cards?), the semi-professional sperminator apparently experienced a fit of amnesia and agreed to share custody of the kids:

If there were any lingering doubts as to whether Britney Spears was a pop star significantly past the verge of a nervous breakdown, they were answered at her now infamous OK! magazine cover shoot, in which the celeb glossy—having witnessed their subject perform a number of highly inappropriate acts, including the defiling of designerwear with a combination of fried chicken grease and lapdog droppings—was forced to compromise their "nice" editorial voice by splashing the unflattering photos across their pages. Spears' former pimp/fertilizer Kevin Federline is now reportedly seeking full custody of his children:

Post gossip dowager Cindy Adams claws her way out of the casket this morning to float the following rumor about Kevin Federline and Britney Spears. Apparently, Britney wants Kevin back! But there's more!

Kevin Federline, proud possessor of some of the most potent baby-batter in all of pimpdom, has pulled no punches in trying to negotiate custody of his children away from their increasingly unhinged mother, who will now only communicate through angry couplets scribbled into a spiral notebook and cryptic messages on her website. The National Enquirer, meanwhile, reports the "PopoZão" singer may have already found his next baby momma:

Politics makes for strange bedfellows, as reports have surfaced of a seismic shift of allegiances over at the House of Spears: As the (tabloid-generated) plot goes, mother Lynne—heartlessly cast aside after being deemed an impediment to her rogue daughter's various head-shaving and clubtrotting needs—now finds herself cozier than ever with former pimp-in-law Kevin Federline. (K-Fed offers Lynne full access to her grandchildren, in exchange for little more than grandma covering the Fatburger tab, and perhaps sneaking dad a little spending money for "the kids to have some fun at the Stratosphere, on me!") The estranged elder Spears, meanwhile, has taken all the expected steps towards mending fences with her troubled daughter: i.e., ambushing her at a birthday party in Beverly Hills, and offering her side of the story to Us as a cover exclusive. And despite Star Magazine's best efforts to further complicate matters by suggesting former babymama Shar Jackson was once again heavy with K-Fed child, Jackson—for whom any form of reconciliation might constitute a breach of contract that would put her Ex-Wives Club-hosting duties in jeopardy—squarely denies being knocked up by America's Most Hated, telling Us, "It is not even remotely true."

Now Us Weekly is reporting that Shar Jackson isn't knocked up with Kevin Federline's fifth child. Well, all in due time. [Us]

• Tina-lauding reached new heights at Tina Brown's book party, but Isaac Mizrahi's compliment takes the lo-cal cake: "She's like a role model for me right now because she's so thin. I mean, not that she was ever big, but you know she's kind of at that crucial moment, where she could go one way or the other and she kind of looks amazing. So that's a real inspiration for all of us." Thinspiration! [NYO]
  

As his ex-wife continues her campaign to reclaim her good name though online manifestoes that rationalize the neglect of her children and years of generally idiotic behavior with a combination of untreated ADD and a manager with sinister motives, Kevin Federline quite impressively manages to remain laser-focused on his life's goal: forging an independent and enduring show business career entirely built around his multiple non-talents. For example, he cleverly maximized the thousands of hours he clocked behind the velvet ropes of Las Vegas's better drinking establishments by convincing Wilmer Valderrama to collaborate on his sophomore record release. And while his acting career appeared to have stalled after one underwhelming guest appearance on CSI and the Method channeling of a fry cook for a Super Bowl insurance commercial, reports have now surfaced that K-Fed will soon be acting opposite an Academy Award-winner, plus one of Hollywood's most legendary monosyllabic leading men, in a major motion picture:

Yesterday, the good people at Axe, the Cheap Cologne in a Can That Pretends It Can Get You Laid™, invited Federline to trampoline alongside their Axe Angels inside a bouncy castle at the corners of Hollywood and Highland. What organizers did not anticipate, however, was how quickly the contraption would turn into a stifling gas chamber. As the Axe Angels clawed at the vinyl windows and pled for their lives, it fell to a quick-thinking Captain Jack Sparrow working the nearby Chinese Theater sidewalk to slice his way into the contraption, saving them from a certain death choking on the suffocating fumes of Tsunami deodorant bodyspray emanating from Federline's "male hot zones."