As several of you tipped us to yesterday, the final settlement t's have been crossed and marital dissolution i's dotted in the Spears-Federline divorce negotiations, leaving Britney Spears and her onetime wifebeater-wearing wooer free to go their separate ways:

Celebrity divorce lawyer appointment confirmation service TMZ.com reports that—right now—recovering Cokeaholic Britney Spears and estranged househusband Kevin Federline are huddling with their bad-idea-reversing barrister at her Century City offices, putting the final touches on a settlement that would give Spears primary child-endangerment rights going forward and provide Federline enough cash to maintain the levels of ridiculousness in his kick game to which he's become accustomed. Our own operatives on the scene seem to confirm negotiations are proceeding apace:

Our iPhone-spec-fetishizing cousins over at Gizmodo point us to something new: SearchWithKevin.com, a Federline-powered search engine from the same people that brought us such has-been-endorsed threats to Google's hegemony as SearchWithWynona.com and SearchWithMeatLoaf.com. A few randomly selected users will win a grand prize of a trip to attend Federline's private birthday celebrations, where they'll stand hundreds of feet away while the guest of honor gets his Moët and Chandon on in a VIP section, safely cordoned off from any lucky sweepstakes winners who are anxious to approach their hero to tell him, "It's an honor, Mr. Federline. I'm the one who typed 'jailbait + anal!'"

Rumors are swirling that Britney Spears is checking out of Promises in Malibu two days early in order to attend her estranged husband Kevin Federline's 29th birthday party tonight. Like Britney, Kevin, and everything about their history, relationship, children, careers, and pets, the party is to be ultra classy: according to X17, Kevin is pimping rights to cover his bash for $25,000, a price that reportedly doesn't even include an exclusive interview with the man himself. Still, if Britney will be there, it sounds like a bargain: who knows what wig she will wear! Who can say??

• Kevin Federline shaved his head in a show of solidarity with his estranged, rehabbing wife Britney Spears, then partied for her in Vegas. [Us Weekly]
  

In landing Us Weekly's cover to tell His Side of the Why Britney Spears Went Batshit Insane, Shaved Her Head, Entered Rehab, Escaped Rehab, And Ultimately Bought Out An Entire Wing At Promises Story, Kevin Federline's improbable journey from Superbowl ad punchline to Deadbeat Dad & Estranged Househusband Quarterly's Comeback of the Year recipient is nearly complete. Soon, the entire world will know all the gripping details of Federline's "transformation into Super Dad," a total image rehabilitation marked by crippling crying jags over his better-monied soulmate's troubles, depressive episodes that subside only upon his realization that his emergency custody of Sean Preston and the other one might prove highly lucrative if "sources close to him" keep feeding magazines stories about how he's selflessly resisted the temptation to drop off the rugrats at Promises' Sober Day Care program so that he can focus on his promising music and acting careers.

Paparazzi caught Kevin Federline driving through the gates of Promises Malibu today (motto: "We're not making any!"™), where inside*, he found the mother of his children undergoing the latest in rehabilitatory advancements, chained to a radiator in a Confederate flag cut-off. From People.com:

The paparazzi-clotted streets of West Hollywood are safe again (at least for now): TMZ is reporting that an elite team of patient reclamation specialists from Promises Malibu—armed with oversized butterfly nets, the latest taser technology, and a baby rattle (she misses Sean Preston and the other one)—have succeeded in subduing rehabilitation fugitive Britney Spears and have returned her to lockdown at their minimum security facility. Also: the children are in Kevin Federline's custody, as Spears' preferred child care provider, the clown-faced ghost of Anna Nicole Smith, was unavailable due to a previous commitment.

· Pictured: Even in the post-Nipplegate era, FCC censors probably have no idea how to handle the image of a thirty-foot Prince stroking his enormous devil's cock in front of tens of millions of TV viewers.
· It looks like outraged fast food industry officials have finally caught up with Kevin Federline and sent a clear message about fucking with fry cooks on national television.
·Famous person falls down! (OK, semi-famous person.)
· Merely hanging out with Paris Hilton is now enough to qualify someone for a magazine cover shoot.

Kevin Federline, the King of Formerly Kept Background Dancing Pimps, has been enjoying an unprecedented amount of solo time in the limelight since Nationwide's decision to make him the star of their Super Bowl ad . (At $2.6 million per spot, that's roughly $87k per Federline fry-scooping second). Responding to accusations that the ad somehow denigrated America's hard-working food service workers, Federline issued an apology. Why, exactly, we're not entirely sure—but, hey, look who's in the headlines again!:

This should reassure precisely no one: The temporary joint custody agreed to by proud parents-in-Vegas-club-hopping-asbentia Britney Spears and Kevin Federline shortly after their divorce has been extended:

It didn't take Kevin Federline long to settle into his life's true calling as a career self-parodist, with his Nationwide commercial set to air during this Sunday's Superbowl. For those of you who can't wait, the ad is streaming at the insurance company's website, where you just might find K-Fed's rodent grin peeking out from under a snappy fedora while you unsuccessfully attempt to navigate your way to the page that might let you cash in on a deceased spouse's policy. As an added bonus, here's part of a Q&A sent to us from a flack assigned to the thankless task of stirring up as much K-Fed-related excitement as possible:

When he isn't feverishly scribbling lyrics onto cocktail napkins for his planned sophomore release, "No Longer America's Most Hated Since My Ex-Wife Set Off On Her Cooter-Flashing Bender, Yo," aspiring RnB-chart-cracker Kevin Federline has been keeping himself busy, most notably by starring in his very own Nationwide commercial set to air during the Super Bowl. (Enjoy this behind-the-scenes footage of K-Fed laying the dopest insurance-related rhymes since M.C. Hammer's "Prudential in the Mix" was in regular rotation.) Federline just can't seem to catch a break, however, as his biggest gig since, well, ever, is now under fire from a restaurant association that takes issue with the commercial's implication that a fate of flipping burgers was somehow less desirable than, say, spending your days getting baked in your birthday Lamborghini:

· TVGasm has an exclusive! photo! essay! of the upstate New York scene of Rip Torn's DWI arrest, which resulted in one of the greatest celebrity mugshots ever taken.
Kevin Federline's "lack of public self-pity in the face of a lifetime to be spent as a punchline" game is ridiculous.
Paris Hilton wants kids, Britney doesn't seem to want hers anymore—we think there's a two-babies-for-a-bag-of-strawberry-blow exchange waiting to be made here.
The Office's Jenna Fischer's lack of mastery of an "I'm A Star In Public" Voice does nothing to diminish our love. We're glad she got more water, that's always an excellent choice, but she should ditch the husband. We're just sayin'.
· Gridskipper's Nazi Santa Tracker didn't have to look past Monday night's Studio 60 for its first Hitler Claus sighting.

We're not totally surprised that Kevin Federline wants his own reality show, but we are, frankly, a little disappointed in his selection of House of Carters Executive Producer Kenneth Crear to produce the show. We were thinking something a little more Flava of Love! Anyway, it seems that K-Fed had his own reasons for the choice, as Crear told Us Weekly:

As Britney Spears continues on her gum smacking, vagina-flashing, Jager-Bomb-slamming party exploits with "Auntie Paris" (as her children have been explicitly instructed to now refer to the new blonde lady in their lives who keeps ashing into their plastic Cheerios containers), suddenly Kevin Federline comes off looking not so bad. He's kept a low profile in the three weeks since the break-up, surfacing only in some wholesome Thanksgiving photos at Shar Jackson's house with nary a cornrow or wayward nutsack in sight, and now the Us Weekly blog informs us he's keeping busy with a reality show project in the works:

Anonymous e-mailer "123FUCKYOURSELF" writes in to set the record straight about yesterday's post about a photo of Kevin Federline posing with an unidentified woman while allegedly attending two-time Federline baby momma Shar Jackson's Thanksgiving feast:

We're not entirely sure what to make of a pair of photos that popped up on D-Listed today, supposedly depicting this year's Thanksgiving festivities at Shar Jackson's house, where ex-husband and round one babydaddy Kevin Federline allegedly showed up with a buxom, root-challenged blonde on his arm. Leaving room for the possibility that these pictures were from some Turkey Day past, and the mystery woman merely an au pair with a history of chronic back problems, we must admit that whoever she is, she seems impressively well integrated into the happy, abandoned family (save for one pouty, disaffected Eminem fan), and K-Fed has rarely been photographed looking quite so genuinely content as he does balancing an unidentified child, quite possibly of his own loins, on his shoulders, in a seasonal portrait that seems to embody the very spirit of his "Ladies look out...Fuck a wife, give me my kids, Bitch!" shower door Declaration of Pimp Independence.

• Someone very kindly sent us the image above. It has nothing to do with this how cocaine is made video. [CityRag]
  

TMZ breaks the disappointing news that we'd long feared, but secretly dreaded deep in the dark part of our soul which cries out for shaky, handheld footage of the sexual congress of multimillionaire pop-star and poorly chosen, fortune-frittering househusband: There is no Britney Spears and Kevin Federline sex tape. The former couple reportedly will release a joint statement to that effect, hoping to finally squelch the constant rumors of its existence that would have eventually driven its imaginary street value over the $1 billion mark, forcing Spears and Federline to seriously consider reuniting long enough to shoot one and fulfill the astronomical demand.