If you're wondering how Kevin Federline made it to the cover of The Details Power 50 issue ("Meet the most influential men under 45,") you probably need to first know that the magazine played fast and loose with their own definition—specifically the "men" part: "Zac Efron, Shia LaBoeuf, and the Disney Kids" come in at #1, the "other F-word" makes a completely baffling appearance at #9, and Iggy—not the punk rocker, but the mangy canine who precipitated Ellen DeGeneres's on-camera meltdown—came it at, we shit you not, #29. So breathe easy—K-Fed's influence still hovers somewhere between that of a Sonic Burger fry-cook's and Erik Estrada's.

• Kevin Federline is dragging Britney Spears back into court because of her erratic driving—she recently ran a red light with the kids in the backseat. [Us Weekly]
  

How in the name of all that is magabranding and holy can Details put Kevin Federline on its cover FOR THE SECOND TIME? (The first was all the way back in March, 2005: "the second-worst selling issue of the year," says WWD.) Do not understand! [Memo Pad]

• Britney Spears has to pay $120,000 of her ex-husband Kevin Federline's attorney fees because he has "no net income." [Us Weekly]
  

Apparently Britney Spears is not having the greatest day at family court. This landed in our inbox: "When asked by an Extra reporter in the hallway outside a Los Angeles Superior courtroom as to how she was doing, Britney Spears shouted out, 'Eat it, lick it, snort it, f*%k it!' Spears walked back into the courtroom crying." [Extra]

If you've truly given up all hope of living a productive and meaningful existence, we guide you now to AccessHollywood.com's live feed from the court steps of today's Spears-Federline custody hearing, where you can spend the next hour or so listening in on Tony Potts and Girl with Star-Shaped Microphone submit to an explosive bout of verbal, Britney-speckled diarrhea. Once you've sated yourselves with their insights, you can then continue onto similarly fulfilling activities, such as follicle-by-follicle pubic depilatory sessions and seeing how many canned olives you can eat before puking.

Having within the space of just a few weeks been stripped of her two children, a leather bustier, and yet another a pair of overly constricting panties, a vulnerable-like-never-before Britney Spears (whose new album drops Oct. 30—check out the fierce cover art!) made a rare appearance in court today, in the hopes of convincing Superior Court Commissioner Scott Gordon to reconsider allowing overnight visits with her sons:

• Britney Spears, Kevin Federline, and their sons Jayden James and Sean Preston are all currently afflicted with pinkeye. [TMZ]
  

Having within a span of 48 hours been subjected to the humiliating loss of her children, the cruel indifference of DMV employees, and extremely uncomfortable small-talk with Dave Matthews on the Peninsula's breakfast buffet line, Britney Spears struggles to maintain composure through what is arguably her rock-bottomest moment yet. In court today, however, came a small ray of hope, as Commissioner Scott Gordon softened his initial ruling :

Our uneducated guess as to why the judge forced Britney Spears to relinquish custody of her kids to Kevin Federline proved true, as Spears reportedly ignored every Britney Rule the court laid out for her. Then again, maybe she never even read them, as she apparently didn't bother to sign the judge's order. [TMZ]

Even though it seems like just yesterday that an L.A. judge was so flummoxed by the fact that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline insouciantly shrugged off his dramatic decree that their two children be cleaved in twain and their truncated baby-halves be shared by the ex-couple with a dismissive, "Whatever. Her moms will stitch 'em back together all new-like for us!" that he allowed their joint custody of the children to continue out of sheer frustration, Us Weekly reports that the court has now reversed course and awarded Sean Preston and their still-unnamed younger child to Federline until further notice.

"A judge has decided that Kevin Federline will get custody of sons Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1, starting this Wednesday. At a hearing in the Federline v. Spears custody case in Los Angeles Monday, the court ordered that Federline take care of the children he shares with ex-wife Britney Spears until further order of the court." [Us Weekly]

Faced with the Solomonic dilemma of deciding whether to award custody of steadily working celebrity-weekly cover models Sean Preston and Other One Federline to a former pop star mother prone to vagina-flashing, poorly lip-synced breaks with reality or to to the background-dancing father who impregnated his way to parasitic fame and fortune, a judge ruled on Monday to allow Britney Spears and her ex-husband to continue their joint-neglect arrangement, but did institute a number of court-mandated guidelines the parents need to follow if they hope to keep the state of California from impounding the adorable tykes. But wisely realizing that Spears might need extra help in getting her parenting skills up to an acceptable level, the judge added some supplemental Britney Rules to his decree, as reported by UsMagazine.com's blogspot:

You were likely unable to focus on anything since we alerted you to the fact that Kevin Federline's life may be in danger: a distressing scenario that conjured the image of a coldblooded assassin silently stalking the lovable pimp as he lay unsuspecting on his couch, improving his already ridiculous Major League Baseball 2K7 game. And then there was the question of method: Would it be 45 caliber hollow point bullet, choke wire, Escalade bomb, or Gay Vito-brand pool cue? Thankfully, none at all, as Us magazine reports that the threat was deemed not credible by the FBI:

We're still in a mild state of shock, having learned that someone—anyone—would want Kevin Federline snuffed. But that appears to be the case, as Entertainment Tonight is reporting that a price has been put on K-Fed's head:

T.V. "newsmagazine" ET has, they say, been working on a story "for the past two months" about how the FBI and the LAPD are investigating "a contract hit" on Kevin Federline, who is the useless flap of skin that used to be attached to Britney Spears. Um what? Also: "Multiple sources tell ET that the FBI made attempts to contact Federline to inform him of the potential danger." Do they need his phone? Couldn't they just like, tell Perez Hilton or something? And is this what took them two months: "When contacted, the FBI told us that the bureau cannot confirm or deny an investigation"? Yup. All that and still their headline is in the form of a question!

· In addition to providing entertaining footage of drunk chicks puking on Hollywood sidewalks, last night's TMZ TV debut blew the lid off what Maddox Jolie might be eating for lunch at his fancy-pants school.
· Learn more about Leave Britney Alone Guy, whose YouTube clip is rapidly approaching a million views and has inspired a new fragrance.
· Rosie O'Donnell thinks it's time for someone to grab a throw pillow from The View's sofa and hold it over a napping Barbara Walters' face until she slips off into retirement.
· K-Fed: This acting stuff is dope, yo.

· What happens when a Photoshop contest asks entrants to combine half of one celebrity's face with half of another's? You likely never sleep again.
· "Club: Andy Dick groped, offended, urinated." Your point?
· You didn't think we'd let you get away for your long weekend without letting you know what Chad Michael Murray thought about K-Fed, did you? He likes him!
· Fine, so maybe Terrence Howard has some strange preoccupation with feminine hygiene and baby wipes. He also saved a Los Angeles magazine reporter from choking to death on a piece of sushi with the Heimlich maneuver. (But then insisted she dispose of the offending Unagi morsel with a hermetically sealed Wet-Nap.)
· There's something bothering us about Hillary Clinton and we just can't put our fingers on it.

We admit that our knowledge of the choreography world is extremely limited—we cite So You Think You Can Dance finalist Danny Tidwell's ode to a Grecian goddess and the "Thank You For Being a Friend" Dancers as some of our major influences—so we'll just have to take Defamer videographer Molly McAleer's word that the attendees of The Carnival "Choreographer's Ball," held last night at the Key Club, are some of the biggest figures in the hip-hop dance arena. If you've ever wondered where the latest, outrageously named dance crazes are launched, apparently it's right here at this star-studded showcase, where even K-Fed has been known to make an appearance, showing off his ridiculous Toe Wop, Aunt Jackie, and Chicken Noodle Soup games.

• Kevin Federline admits, via the latest filing in his divorce from Britney Spears, that he's worth exactly zero dollars and zero cents, and he's wanting a handout from his ex, who makes—sigh—$737,868 a month. [NYP]