Like manna from heaven, a press release has been issued "setting the record straight" regarding Kevin Federline's recent trip to Las Vegas and the VIP hostess, "Vanessa," who reportedly spent a lot of time on Mr. Spears' lap. We are thus enlightened: Kevin went to a lot of Vegas venues, "Vanessa" knows Kevin because of her ex-boyfriend Johnny, spelling and punctuation are for pussies, and Vegas has an untarnished image (oh, har har).

Absurdist PR "guru" Ronn Torossian is back in the papers for suing former employee Lindsey Benoit. Torossian claims that after leaving his 5W firm, Benoit took his "trade secrets" to Buzz Marketing Group.

· After publicly beating his girlfriend on the streets of Soho, Vincent Pastore (aka Big Pussy of Sopranos fame) has yet to take her pics off of his website. [Cityrag]
· The Pulitzer tug-o-war leans to the left coast as the LA Times takes the Gray Lady, 2 to 1. [NYT]
· By revealing each other's blind items, the tabs have turned their warfare into something slightly more subtle. [R&M & Page Six]
· Underground writers need galleries too, y'know. But they also need patrons, presumably, so this whole thing might not fly. [Craigslist]

· Shake that booty like it's goin out of style: DJ Scribe (formerly of Halycon) and DJ Language (currently of Negroclash) go head-to-head on the ones and twos tonight at Table 50. [flavorpill]
· McSweeney's violence aficionado William Vollmann and Jewish wunderkind Jonathan Safran Foer (with the gilded manse of Brooklyn gold) participate in little Q and A tonight at the 92nd Street Y. Ask the former how he expects anyone to actually complete his 3,000-plus page treatise on political violence, and the latter on how he deals with being so precocious. [92Y]
· Keep on telling yourself you're cultured and head over to the French Institute Alliance Fran aise, where they'll be screening the first two installments of French director Eric Rohmer's Six Moral Tales series. BYO Gauloises. [TONY]

Scientology's gotten a bum rap for being "homophobic." Would aggressively heterosexual, and often traditionally married, stars (who we refuse to name here) possibly endorse a religion that would discriminate against gays? Of course they wouldn't. Listen to this enthusiastic, incredibly tolerant explanation of the inclusive spiritual inspiration society's policy on homosexuality as recited by a publicist:

In this edition: Pam Anderson, Robin Williams, Julia Roberts, Star Jones, Jason Binn talking to Bill Hemmer, Sally Jessie Raphael, Matthew Modine and Liam Neeson, Campbell Scott, Adam Arkin, Mary Tyler Moore, Kelly Rowan, David Arquette, Jonathan Schaech, Yoko Ono, Thom Felicia, Patrick Dempsey, Mike Myers, Iman, Glenn Close, John Lithgow, Woody Allen and Soon Yi, Mila Kunis, David Cross, Bjork, Melissa Burns, Debbie Attias, AsFour Kai, and Randy Harrison.

Today's high concept post comes to us via The New York Times 'City' section, which featured a piece by William Neuman that mentioned Woody Allen giving prospective buyers of his $24.5 million house a tour.

Apparently she makes Films and he makes Movies.

· Upon hearing that she'd be sharing the stage with Lisa Gastineau, the mistress of her late father, Victoria Gotti cancels her appearance at an Allure function — thus creating a moral hierarchy amongst trashy reality stars. [Page Six]
· Tragedy strikes below 14th: The Parker Posey-Ryan Adams love supernova is reportedly no more. [ELK]
· Supermodel Heidi Klum is fired as "designer" and face of her own line of women's and baby-wear, as she is currently pregnant and thus un-hot. [Gatecrasher]
· Stars like John Travolta and Tom Cruise would NEVER look to Scientology to cure them of something nasty, like homosexuality. [R&M]
· Is Billboard magazine guilty of racially profiling its own employees? And does anyone outside of industry-obsessives even care about the magazine anymore? [Lowdown]

A reader sends word of the latest in subway jacknapery, making its rush hour debut at Astor Place, Grand Central, and Times Square. We welcome any small explanation of who/why/whatthefuck, as we're more clueless than usual on this one.
[Click image to enlarge.]

In this week's episode of PoweR Girls, we are forced to return to the Hamptons — more hip-hop parties, it seems. As producers slowly create characters out of the lifeless, limp bodies of Lizzie's slaves, we learn that the Gotti boys are "so hot right now" and PR girl Kelly is "so not competent right now." In his weekly review, Gawker intern David enlightens us on the latest from the land of Lizzie.

We got a lot of email on Friday like the following:

· If our job is merely to point out things of interest, we must put our personal feelings aside and direct you to the following, because it is "of interest." [Narc Denton]
· Bad trend alert: it seems cigarettes, like books, are so decorative.
· Aren't our cats cute? We lovelovelovelove them foreverandeverandever.
· Well don't YOU feel like an asshole. [The Stranger]
· Best April Fool's parody ever. You kids are too much. [Gothamist]
· No, wait, maybe this is. Or is it true? We're too busy with our insensitive cackling to figure it out. [CNN]
· · A meditation on coke, weight loss, and celebrity. Featuring everyone's favorite twin!

Before you make a joke about how disastrous it is when celebrities try to accomplish everyday tasks without the assistance of the help, please realize that Justin Timberlake knew exactly what he was doing—soaking his genitals in gasoline so that he could later burn them off in a fiery demonstration of his commitment to Cameron Diaz. Hey, it worked for Tom Cruise and L.Ron Hubbard!

Friday:
· What the hell was Christopher Walken thinking when he agreed to be in Gigli? Ask him tonight, when Citizen Walken takes you on a journey through the synapses and dendrites of a very creepy brain.
· Teenage popsters the Harlem Shakes are no more Harlem than Barbra Streisand. But unlike Babs, these boys are under 20, and hey, they went to Dalton.
Saturday:
· Dirty secret: we rented Nadia, the movie about the Olympic gymnast Nadia Comaneci, so many times that the video store clerk finally just gave it to us for free. If you too have an insatiable appetite for short girls in leotards, then head to Madison Square Garden for the Visa's American Cup.
· Grab your free spirit and hit the NYC Grassroots Media Conference, where, among other things, you can hear a lecture on "Examining White Privilege in Independent Media," a topic which, for the record, we know absolutely nothing about.
Sunday:
· It's Believer night at KGB Bar , so fuck the Oscars and try to get with Heidi Julavits.
· Eh, who are we kidding? You're not leaving the house tonight. Keisha Castle-Hughes 4EVA!

In this week's issue of Hollywood Momentum, an aspiring Ladies' Home Journal for the industry's assistant set, a harried call-roller has an epiphany induced by his boss's vagina:

What, is this dude's game not working on you? Are you completely lacking a vagina?

We can barely keep up with the kids these days, so it comes as no surprise that we've missed the boat on the burgeoning underground electroclash scene. The Guardian, always two steps ahead, discovers the Williamsburg movement and pronounces it cool because moustached men prance about in little more than underpants. If that sort of thing isn't hot, we don't know what is.

The chinchilla-huggers over at PETA are usually spot-on with their rabid fur attack ads, but this time they've crossed the line. We know that Orlando Jones hasn't made the best career decisions, but is that a reason to make poor guy a target for anti-fur activists? And how does his smearing of menstrual blood on a stole advance PETA's cause? In short, we find this latest ad to be in poor taste, mean-spirited, and wholly confusing. Grade: C-

It s official, kids. We were stunned to hear tonight that former, yes, former Gawker editor Elizabeth Spiers has taken a permanent position at New York Magazine. Really, we had no idea this was coming.