The Post spends some quality time with the diabolical men behind the velvet ropes, Richie Akiva and Scott Sartiano of Butter and Noel Ashman of NA. Apparently, these guys' jobs are really hard — they have (bolivian?) insomnia and have to work, like, every day. So it goes, we suppose, when your job is to make sure your famous "friends" are having fun. Being fabulous was never supposed to be easy:

Yesterday, Daily Show head scribe David Javerbaum gave an enlightening talk at the suffocated students at Harvard. A Cambridge reader kindly paraphrases:

Model Alessandra Ambrosio is the only one at the party not staring at her boobs.

Finally, a job offer for both female and male writers. From Craig's List:

· Evidently, pedophilia wasn't creepy enough for Kevin Bacon—his new film, Loverboy, chronicles the behavior of a dangerously overprotective mother. Check it out at the Gen Art Film Festival, which kicks off tonight. [flavorpill]
· Go see the newest, hippest, Jewiest author, Shalom Auslander, read from his book Beware of God at the Astor Place Barnes & Noble tonight at 7pm. Jews and hipsters unite! Oh wait, that already happened.
· All the cool kids go see dance punkers Radio 4 and Lake Trout at the Bowery Ballroom; all the cool kids with parents go see Maroon 5 and the Donnas at Radio City Music Hall. We'll be at the latter. [BB & RC]

Tips are sent in by readers and confirmed by, um, your mom. Send your stalkings to tips@gawker.com.

Today Gawker Media launches its latest bid to take over the internet and starve desperate writers everywhere, Sploid. Helmed by former Gawker whore Choire Sicha, with proto-blogger Ken Layne and Henry "the Intern" Seltzer, Sploid is tabloid-style breaking news, where the only political agenda is "anarcho-capitalist." (There goes Denton again, always making up words.) As its name suggests, Sploid will aim to shit out the headlines as fast as they break. Shirtless soldier pics not included.

Rumor has it that Kirsten Dunst and Jake Gyllenhaal are finally going to consummate their relationship of lies:

We were so consumed with terror over the state of Britney and Kevin's marriage (oh, like it doesn't matter to you?) that we hadn't even noticed this lovely picture of Shannon Elizabeth. Click the image to enlarge and be thus impressed; as a reader pointed out, "I thought you were just supposed to use the pinky nail."

Things keep working out for actor Adrian Grenier, who's finally gotten past the curse of Drive Me Crazy and found some semblance of success on HBO's Entourage. The real estate stars also seem to be aligned in Grenier's favor, as his mother just happens to be a Corcoran broker — perhaps she helped him grab the three-story Clinton Hill property at right. Good news all around, we say: Bedford denizens no longer need to fear yet another summer full of Grenier-in-hot-pants sightings, and Mommy Grenier gets a commission just in time for Mother's Day.

· It just might be time for a new installment of our Race from the Altar series: While spending a week at a Santa Monica hotel, Britney and Kevin reportedly stayed in seperate rooms. History dictates that should Brit be carrying the Federletus, K-Fed will soon leave her. For me. [Page Six]
· Nicole Kidman loves her adopted kids, we're sure, but now that she's free from ex-husband Tom Cruise, she's ready for some old fashioned insemination. [Scoop]
· Don Hill's is canning its 80's night by abruptly firing DJ Frankie Inglese. And we have no idea how Lloyd Grove got this story. [Lowdown]
· Marlon Brando may have been more of a perv than previously thought, as a former lackey claims that Brando exposed himself to her. Surprisingly, she lived to tell! [R&M]

We have to admire the grit of Ben Leventhal (otherwise known as the abstruse genius behind dining bible She Loves NY), whose guest stint at Gridskipper has reached new levels of ambition. It seems that Ben is out to uncover the ultimate in the unspeakable: a Yankees bar in Boston. Being diehard fans of blood in the streets (any street, really, will do), we're anxious to know if this sort of venue actually exists and, if so, how tight is their security?

Let us start by saying that the primary reason for this post is to feature the above photo, which we find remarkably hilarious. Vikram Chatwal sure does look serene for a 'tard whose Dream hotel has been recognized as little more than a dump. Anyhow.

Publicists are getting smarter, no doubt about it. For instance, a recent pitch regarding a female DJ features a deft juxtaposition of this:

· Irving Plaza gets all Model UN: Scottish quintet Dogs Die In Hot Cars, French electro synth-rockers Phoenix, and Long Island Brit-pop duo Joy Zippers all play together tonight like one big Euro(trash) family. [Paper]
· Death by internets? We should all be so lucky. See for yourself at "Pulse," Kiyoshi Kurosawa's tale of technology gone haywire. 8:00pm, Makor. [92Y]
· Eagles of Death Metal and the Hold Steady appease both the drunk blogger and drunk dancer set tonight at Bowery Ballroom. We just love it when everyone's happy. [flavorpill]

The Associated Press, everyone's favorite daredevil wire service, attended Moby's W Hotel gig last night so you wouldn't have to:

Maybe people are wrong about the faith that Tom Cruise so fervently and publicly embraces. Not only might the Scientologists possibly be somewhat accepting of vaguely-defined "ethical" relationships which may or may not include homosexuals, they've also been honored by a JV member of the Bush family for their hurricane-related charity work in Florida (where, coincidentally, the organization's Clearwater headquarters is located):

And today, we discovered the deeper meaning behind our shallow existence:

From Stuart Elliott's New York Times 'Advertising' column:

· Today in Lohan: Is precious little Lindsay hooking up with Christian Slater, who happens to be almost twice her age? After the Bruce Willis rumors, can this get any more fucked up? [Lowdown]
· It may not be their own Newlyweds, but Britney and Kevin will have their own 6-part reality series on UPN. To document their love, yo. [MTV]
· Paris Hilton's cinematic masterpiece, One Night In Paris, may not yet be a classic, but it's still worth copying illegally and selling in the subways. [Page Six]
· Either Prince Rainier will wait until after the Monaco Grand Prix to die, or he's already dead. Shrug. [R&M (2nd item)]
· Jeb Bush appreciates Scientology, and not just for its gay-suffocating qualities! [Scoop]
· Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. [Page Six]