This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.


Model Alessandra Ambrosio is the only one at the party not staring at her boobs.

It's Team Party Crash's world. You just live in it — and not very well, might we add. When Victoria's Secret took all the photos that were too naughty for the catalogue and put out a spank book called Sexy, we knew special correspondent Noelle Hancock had to hit the launch party at Milk studios. And so, on Tuesday night, with the photographic eye of the Voice's Jen Snow, Team Party crash and the Gawker nation developed an eating disorder. Brazilian models and Kabbalah strings after the jump.

This image was lost some time after publication.


Ever wonder what pure envy looks like?

The thing about Victoria s Secret parties is that they re basically a hatred trifecta: All females present are simultaneously hating (1) the models, (2) their boyfriends that are ogling the models, and (3) themselves. Would I miss the chance to witness this perfect storm of loathing? Not for the world! Well, maybe for the world. Or 20 bucks, even. Anyways.

Okay, if you want to find the models, just follow the flashbulbs and the penises (penisi?). First, I find preggers supermodel Heidi Klum. "What is 'sexy'?" I ask her. Words are sexy! she purrs. I ve been telling guys this for years to no avail. She says she and fianc Seal have already picked out names, but want to be surprised as to the sex of their new baby. I kind of want to ask if she ll ever take Baby Seal out clubbing but I kind of don t want to get punched in the face.

This image was lost some time after publication.


"So c'mon, Heidi, tell me already: Is Seal this big?"

Lloyd Grove's go-to guy, Hudson Morgan, has a slew of questions ready for Heidi and then blows it. She leaned in so my arm was smooshed up against her tatas and I forgot what I was going to say! She did it on purpose, I think. She totally disarmed me!

Karolina Kurkova walks by a clueless dude who looks like he s been smokin the good shit. He touches her arm, Heeeeeyyy! What s your name?! A bodyguard steps up to Mr. O Blivious, Sir, why are you bothering her!? That was fun. Models: Resistant to the advances of commoners since 1912.

This image was lost some time after publication.


Karolina Kurkova and Hudson Morgan: Why ask why? Hudweiser, The King of Leers.

Gisele Bundchen shows up alone ("Howard Hughes" is probably home restraightening the fringe on the Oriental rug or something). She's wearing a kabbalah bracelet to fend off the evil eye and, apparently, reporters. Her publicist is, like, really sorry, but Gisele isn t doing any more press tonight. Nearby is the lovely Oluchi Onweagba, one of the most successful models of color in the biz, whom Naomi Campbell is going to have kidnapped and poured into a vat of concrete any day now.

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.


Gisele Bundchen: In this handbag are lipstick, credit cards, and Leonardo DiCaprio's balls.

Looking around the party, you have to wonder: The day their contract expires, do models hit the grocery store, stick out their arm, and go down the aisles like a contestant on Supermarket Sweep? ( Go for the hams, Gisele, go for the hams! ) Just asking.

This image was lost some time after publication.


Oluchi Onweagba: Modeling — It s all about the dignity.

As usual, the crowd is the comic gift that keeps on giving. Daily News editor-in-chief Michael Cooke puts it best: Why does every guy in here look like Ben Kingsly? The rest of the males in the room look like a Sigma Chi pledge class at the Funnels n Hoes formal. Rockin blazers, jeans and shit-eating grins, they re so meatheady, they quite likely shampoo with A-1. They spend the duration of the party looking over at the models and then exchanging high fives for no reason. Meanwhile, every slender girl in the room is wearing her highest heels, and hoping to be mistaken for a model.

This image was lost some time after publication.


NYDN scribe Ben Widdicombe desperately climbs over human flesh to get a moment with editor Michael Cooke.

This image was lost some time after publication.


Hudson Morgan and Tom Brady: "This Hud's for you, Tom!"

This image was lost some time after publication.


She thinks she's being cute. He thinks she's being retarded.

This image was lost some time after publication.


"Yo, yo — the Delts have another keg, let's head over there!"

This image was lost some time after publication.


Yes, they're still making trucker hats.

This image was lost some time after publication.


File under Lost Cause: Trying to work the brainy look in a room full of underwear models.

This image was lost some time after publication.


Who invited Jethro Tull?

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.


Well, at least the picture he's taking will be attractive.

This image was lost some time after publication.


You used which finger on John Casablancas?

This image was lost some time after publication.


"Bitch betta have mah money!"

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.


The model on the left thinks she's having her picture taken with Ja Rule.

This image was lost some time after publication.


"WWD says anal beads worn around the neck are a big look this spring!"

This image was lost some time after publication.


Does this sweater shake anyone else's faith in humanity?

This image was lost some time after publication.


Nobody ever says, "I wanna be a plaiddict when I grow up."

This image was lost some time after publication, but you can still view it here.


Adam Duritz and Kwame Jackson: The closest a black person has ever come to attending a Counting Crows concert.

Just when I've had enough — you can only be in a room full of models for so long before someone has to die — someone drags my self-loathing ass to the afterparty. Next stop: Gypsy Tea! Transfers available for the F, U, C, K, M and E trains. Let em off first, people, let em off first