· Not cool enough to get tickets to the sold-out Bloc Party show last night at the Bowery? Then you're probably not cool enough to get into tonight. Join the club. [BB]
· Kung Fu Hustle, named best film of the Hong Kong Film Awards, is being billed as Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon on steroids. This is undoubtedly a good thing, since, quite frankly, that tiger movie was boring as hell. In any event, it opens tonight. [flavorpill]
Saturday:
· Parker Posey, Harry Shearer, Michael McKean, and the rest of the Christoper Guest mockumentary fellowship congregate at MoMA for some good ol' fashioned, unscripted conversation. Make sure to ask the members of Spinal Tap if they can crank it up to an 11 during their accoustic performance. [flavorpill]
· Flip a coin, Hipster X: The Fiery Furnaces play at Bowery; Austin rockers And You Will Know Us By the Trail of Dead play at Irving Plaza. [Irving & BB]
Sunday:
· We got nothing. Bongs, TiVo, or, God forbid, the great outdoors. The possibilities are endless.

If gazing longingly at the scandalously bare feet of your favorite male celebrity is your idea of a great way to while away a lazy Friday afternoon, you might want to hit eBay. There's an auction lot of photos of barefoot actors whose once-innocent agreement to doff their shoes and socks for glossy magazine spreads has now provided fantasy fodder for the discriminating foot fetishist. Or the semi-discriminating foot fetishist—A-lister's tooties (Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, et al) are listed alongside those of such has-beens and lesser lights like Jean-Claude Van Damme and Jesse Metcalfe. High-powered agents all over town should be enraged at the commingling of their big stars with the unwashed actorly classes—you know, once they're done furiously pulling off their socks and seeing how they measure up. Anyway, happy bidding!

Last night, MGM's proud lion opened its mouth and offered its last culinary roar on behalf of The Amityville Horror, the final movie the studio will release before being consumed by Sony. Our steadfast, steel-bellied Special Movie Premiere Food Critic was there to stare unblinkingly into the lion's mouth and critique its final party repast. His report follows:

This week's Stranger contains a particularly impassioned 'I, Anonymous' letter that reveals just how far our society has descended into a waking Hobbesian nightmare. The writer recounts a crime so terrible, he or she is prompted to say the following to his or her assailant:

Before you fill your studio development office or movie trailer with shouts of, "Ooh, ooh, a hooker! Some blow? No...two hookers dipped in blow!" this ad, currently in rotation on Variety's web page, is merely shaking down the singer's Hollywood pals for a donation to build wells in Africa. Too bad Bono's allied with the African Well Fund—if they were exploiting his name without permission, he could've sued them into oblivion to help pay down Third World debt.

Hey, have you heard that there's a gang of obsessed Star Wars nerds camping out in front of the Chinese Theatre on Hollywood Blvd, even though there's a chance that the movie won't be premiering there? So has the LAT...four days after the story unfolding right under their nose first broke. But what the Times lacks in timeliness they attempt to make up in definitiveness, deftly leading their story with a serviceable FAQ of The Line:

Special thanks to this week's sponsors, who hold our hands when we need it the most. Interested? More info here.

The mind boggles.
While the overall glossy worth of WWD's latest venture, Scoop, remains to be seen, we can at least pass judgment on the magazine's back page, featuring haikus from "fashion celebrities."

· Scandal at the Times: former Baghdad bureau chief Susan Sachs has been fired, allegedly for sending letters and emails to the wives of correspondents Dexter Filkins and John Burns, reporting their bad behavior with ladies abroad. Sexy? Nah, but definitely catty. [Lowdown]
· And MORE scandal at the Times: Former executive editor Joseph Lelyveld is making out with Metro reporter Janny Scott, who happens to be married to ABC anchor Bill Ritter. Okay, enough Times libido. Ew. [WWD (sub. req'd)]
· Tatum O'Neal went on a drunken, dykey rampage at Pop Burger. And you missed it. [Page Six]
· Ted Turner checks out competition at the urinals. [R&M]

From Manohla Dargis' New York Times review of Fever Pitch:

What s gross? Watching Bruce Willis slice the peas and carrots off some freak show pedophile in Sin City. What s grosser than gross? Watching Lizzie Grubman get botox in the most recent episode of our beloved PoweR Girls. Intern David was completely shocked by the injections — he had always assumed that Lizzie was born with an endless supply of poison in her cheeks. My doctor makes me look beautiful, Lizzie proclaims. And David gets chicks from writing for Gawker...

· Breaking! We hear Britney and K-Fed are at debatable hotspot B-Bar right now! We can't confirm this, nor do we care to — but we're still all exclamatory about the possibility!
· Not content to merely make glossy pages sticky, Maxim goes for your couch by inking Hollywood deals to ensure heavy cross-promotion. We'd be disturbed, but integrity is so 2004. [Variety]
· Madonna can't understand her kids, possibly because they're already more educated than her. [Earworm]
· The Daily starts to think out loud about the process known as the international pick-uppery of items. [The Daily]

On Monday, our heavily SPF'd brother alerted us to the following news about hip-hop channel BET:

· The lovely Asian actors of Mr. Miyagi's Theatre Company used to play all the typecast Asian roles on Seinfeld and Sex and the City, till they went and made their own off-Broadway show. We knew Asians were industrious. Go see the fruit of their labor—Sides: The Fear is Real—at P.S.122 tonight. [flavorpill]
· Wilco frontman Jeff Tweedy and Stanford Law School professor Lawrence Lessig discuss the commerical and legal issues surrounding the "Internet-enabled freeing of culture." Note the irony of being able to watch their conversation via webcam instead of plunking down 10 bucks and actually going to the New York Public Library. [NYPL]
· The writers of the Daily Show are funny. Stepsister Wonkette is funny, too. God knows what will happen when they collide forces at the Museum of TV and Radio tonight. Our money's on anal, predictably. [Upcoming]

Tale of Two Cities points us to Newsday's awesome "impulse!" nightlife reviews, written by the most discerning post-college kids this side of Murray Hill. On the latest LES "hotspot" that you never wanted, Libation, 22 year-old Jennifer Bisram writes:

Note to Mr. Gere: You may want to think twice before you try to slow-dance with the head of the PLO, lest you lose that "come hither" finger.

The Gen Art film festival opened last night with a screening of Kevin Bacon's latest film Loverboy — which, should everything go according to plan, will ensure that he's separated from everyone by merely four degrees. But what of the party, held at The Park?

So that's how Janice and Bonnie do it. They must have one of these for Reese Witherspoon and Ryan Phillippe, too.

· Rumors fly that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie spent Easter weekend together, locked in a Palm Springs villa. Listen, you false tabloids: If Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are dry-humping, they're dry-humping only as friends. [Lowdown]
· WE HEAR...That Paula Froelich loves writing about herself in the third person! [Page Six]
· If you're going to press charges against Big Pussy, it helps if you maybe had an affair with your lawyer. Keeps the prosecution tight, y'know? [R&M (2nd item)]
· Jenna Bush drunk and on all fours is hardly news; Jenna Bush drunk and on all fours at that God-awful Nerveana place is headline-worthy. [Page Six]

When we saw that today's Times had a feature on the West Village town house belonging to Hilary Swank and her proudly emasculated husband Chad Lowe, we immediately cringed with the expectation of couches made out of baby skin and coasters encrusted in canary diamonds — you know, the usual crap-luxe you see in InStyle.