One of Jane Fonda
s ex-lawyers is plenty steamed at the actress-activist-exercise guru-aging slut-memoirist over My Life So Far, her new book (currently #15 on the amazon bestseller list).
She grossly lied when she said [her father] Henry had told her what to say when she accepted the Oscar for Klute in '72,
he writes in an e-mail making the rounds.
I
went to the ceremonies and sat next to her the whole evening
.I came up with what she finally did say (more or less) while we were having a drink in a bar in Koreatown about a half hour before the ceremonies. I whispered in Jane's ear: "I know what you should say if you win: There are a lot of things to say...(meaningful pause)...but now is not the time to say them." While it would have been nice for her to be honest after all these years, I know exactly who she is—and that alas, honesty was never her fort
. I take great solace however in also knowing I am a far happier person today than Jane will ever be.

In honor of Hollywood harridan Nikki ("I don t kiss up to the idiots who decide which stars magazines can and can t put on their covers") Finke, we asked you to send in your best PR horror stories, hoping some of our resident New York flacks-from-Hell would catch some flack, or some hell, but noooo...half of you thought we wanted stories from PR people and one of you told us something about Finke we didn't know, but checked out and it's true. So there's no winner. But there was no prize. So who really cares? Your entries follow and include tales of red carpet encounters with handholders for Reese Witherspoon, Renee Zellwegger, Britney Spears, Jessica Simpson, Lindsay Lohan, Christian Slater, Tobey Maguire, Brad Pitt, Mischa Barton, Nic Cage and Selma Blair. Gawker hereby states that the views expressed after the jump are those of the anonymous, unkind celebrity-baiters who sent them in and are not (necessarily) shared by gawker, gawker media, or your guest editors, who don't know who most of these people are anyway. (speaking of which, there's a late-breaking news flash from Nikki Finke herself!) —MG

For your reading pleasure, we have camel toe, Kyle MacLachlan, an Ashley Olsen sighting (is there any other kind?), Kelly from PoweR Girls looking tore up from the floor up, looking messed up from the neck up, and we'd go on but we've run out of rhymes, so click on the jump and keep 'em coming to tips@gawker.com
—NH

Party like a gay Tahitian

Blogger Feh makes light (in the loafers) of Gwynnie's stud-muffin. —MG
[Feh]

God bless the internets. We were looking for a reason not to crawl back into the bathtub and sleep off this debilitating hangover, but our pressing reverse-peristaltic needs be damned, we found one! Celebrity Skin and Bodily Fluids is a website claiming to sell the fecal matter, saliva, urine, and sundry other human byproducts of your favorite stars. Sure, it sounds like a gag (although an inspired one), but their FAQ claims that they're real, and no website with a FAQ can possibly be a put-on:

Didn't realize they had internet access in Hell (something to look forward to) until this email arrived in our inbox:

A 7 months pregnant Denise Richards has changed the locks to her and Charlie Sheen's San Fernando Valley home, according to Us Weekly. Lawyers for each side have "signed an agreement that said Charlie would stay away," a source says. "She is focusing on her family's well-being." Meanwhile, a Sheen pal has reportedly purchased a stripper pole for Charlie's house parties. Oh, this is fantastic. Anyone else wish they could have been out with Charlie the night after Denise filed for divorce? He should have auctioned off a spot as "Sheen wingman" on eBay. As for the "family's well-being," frankly, we don't understand how the first kid turned out okay. The man's blood type is, like, XXX at this point. So the question is, exactly how many heads is the new baby going to have? We have three in the Gawker office pool. —NH
Us Weekly

Former Law & Order D.A. Dianne Wiest and her 17-year-old daughter Emily went to Criminal Court yesterday to face charges that the Beekman schoolgirl and two gal-pals had jumped a male classmate and stolen his sunglasses and iPod. An order of protection was issued for the victim and the three girls were released pending further investigation.

·Ron Perelman refused to speak to Ellen Barkin after catching her love scene with Laurence Fishburne in Bad Company, made 11 years before meeting his wife. He does not, however, have any problems with the fact that she married him for his money. [Lowdown]

They say 90% of life is just showing up, which is why we work at home. However, it's gotten a little out of hand. If we re cooped up in our apartments any longer we re going to end up eating ourselves to death like "Pizza the Hut" after locking himself in his limo in Spaceballs. And the emails, my god, the emails. But we've still got a few hours left, so send us all your article links and tips and soon we'll be on our way. Goooooooo Bayside!
—NH

·The string-and-tin-can phone going up to our treehouse says Katie Holmes has met Tom Cruise's kids and joined the mile high club. [Overheard]
·Entertainment Weekly (still being published apparently) lets you play puppet-master with the American Idol crew. Make Paula say "Don't tell anyone we slept together, okay?" [EW] [Scoop]
·In an interview with Fashion Wire Daily, Project Runway's Jay McCarroll 'fesses to calling the parents of NYDN's Hudson Morgan "fudgepackers," saying he "did not think it was bad." Shame shame, know your name, Jay! [FWD]
—NH

·Talking heads from VH-1's "Best Week Ever" step out from behind the camera and onto the stage at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theater to display their "raw nerve and sharp wit." That's what we were afraid of. Two shows at 8 and 10pm. [UBC]
·Mahjongg, Flavorpill tells us, has lyrics that are barely sung, riff-less guitars, and tenaciously tinny electronics. They tag it as "manically addictive post-punk" but we'd say it's really "moderately addictive post-punk." You decide. At the Knitting Factory, 9pm. [Favorpill]
·Hmmmm...Don't really know if we should go to a party presided over by "DJ Kill Whitey" (what if we're the only cracker there?!), but the Williamsburg Warriors (no comment) are holding a fundraiser or something (we skimmed) called, "Rezone This! Don't Supersize our Neighborhood" at Club Exit in Greenpoint tonight. So there it is. [ToddPNYC]
—NH

Here now, the news. Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's head writer and "Weekend Update" co-anchor is pregnant.

What's the biggest mistake people make with online dating?
Probably the same they make with regular dating not being cool. —Lindsay, lindsayism
What's the best way to get a blogger to go home with you?
Tempt them with some advertising. Seriously. —"Perez Hilton," Page SixSixSix
What's the best way to get a blogger to go home with you?
Compliment their length of post. —Trent, Pink is the New Blog
What's hotter: snarkiness or detached irony?
[Laughs] Let's say detached irony, because if I hear the word "snarky" one more time I'm gonna like slit my wrists and spray my blood all over Manhattan. I cannot stand that word! —Jessica, Gawker
What are the rules on kissing someone after giving them head?
Yes. I think you should kiss them after you give them head, and they shouldn't have a problem with you kissing them after giving them head.
What about after licking someone's ass?
Sure. [Laughs]. If you're interested enough to get in that position, what's a kiss after it? —Jonno, Fleshbot
The last time I was at my friend's apartment I went looking for a sweatshirt to borrow and found pictures of me intermingled with porn magazines in his drawer. What should I do now?In high school, I totally was that guy. I'd suggest this person run very fast. —Chris, Lemon-Red
If I have to read any more sex tips from bloggers, I'm gonna slit my wrists.—MG
Sex Advice From Bloggers [nerve]

This week's LA Weekly features a truly revelatory profile of local bon-vivant/photographer/modelizer/ celebrity-hanger-on Scott Nathan, a "modern day Forrest Gump" who's cast himself into Hollywood's waters like a piece of fame-seeking flotsam and drifted into relationships (business and othewise) with stars, producers, and other assorted industry types. We've culled some handy courtship tips from the piece, which may or may not assist you in scoring with Leonardo DiCaprio's castoffs:

What do scary B-Listers like Jerry Hall, Omarosa Manigault-Stallworth, and KISS bassist Gene Simmons have in common? Celebrities like them, (i.e. "minor ones," says medialife magazine) have helped send VH-1's core 18-49 audience soaring over 16 percent in the last year.

A Sneak Peek at the Huffington Post:

Ratzinger was a harbinger. God is hot. God is happening. God is now. And those sinful, secular city rags are getting hip to the haute style of the Holiest of Holies. —MG

According to their publicists, 42-year-old Tom Cruise is tomfoolering around with Dawson s Creek alum, Katie Holmes, 26. Despite positive reviews for Wonderboys and Pieces of April, we can now expect Holmes career to pull a Penelope Cruz — who s finally back in rotation after spending three years pooing out movies like Gothika, Head in the Clouds, and (in a stunning crescendo) the TNT holiday classic, Noel. The conspiracy theorist in us thinks that this Cruise-on-Holmes coupling is merely an extension of the evil tentacle known as Curse of the Pie from Katie's ex-fiance, Chris Klein. Behold the American Pie cast: Jason Biggs, Brian Ian Whoever, and Mena Suvari ( Wherefore art thou, Career? ), Shannon Elizabeth (recently divorced), Tara Reid (no explanation needed), Natasha Lyonne (now molesting dogs), Chris No, I m fine to drive Klein (arrested for climbing his pie-eyed ass behind the wheel a few months back). So we should all brace ourselves for the references to Katie s career being up a creek that are bound to proliferate in print for years to come.
—NH
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes Dating [NYP]
Seventh Seal Finally Opened [Defamer]