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This week's LA Weekly features a truly revelatory profile of local bon-vivant/photographer/modelizer/ celebrity-hanger-on Scott Nathan, a "modern day Forrest Gump" who's cast himself into Hollywood's waters like a piece of fame-seeking flotsam and drifted into relationships (business and othewise) with stars, producers, and other assorted industry types. We've culled some handy courtship tips from the piece, which may or may not assist you in scoring with Leonardo DiCaprio's castoffs:

On where to hang out: "No good can come from going east of La Brea.”

On dating your roommates: “I wouldn’t want to jeopardize my living situation: It’s easy to get laid. It’s hard to find a good roommate. But, yeah, on occasion, I have accidentally slipped and fallen into a couple of roommates’ vaginas.”

On your date's alcohol consumption: “Drunk people do things they wouldn’t do sober.”

On choosing a setting for a successful date: “Everyone feels more comfortable in their own environment. I don’t think I would take a date someplace I have never been before. There is a distinct advantage to taking a date to a place where you know everyone. It gives you a semblance of credibility.”

Right about now, you may be wondering, "Who the fuck is this guy?" Nothing we write here could possibly do justice to the LAW piece, so make sure you read it before quitting your job and following Nathan around, hoping that he'll dispense a nugget of Gumpian wisdom that will forever alter your scuffling existence in this city. And no—it's clearly covered it the article—you can NOT date his model roommates, so don't even ask.