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God bless the internets. We were looking for a reason not to crawl back into the bathtub and sleep off this debilitating hangover, but our pressing reverse-peristaltic needs be damned, we found one! Celebrity Skin and Bodily Fluids is a website claiming to sell the fecal matter, saliva, urine, and sundry other human byproducts of your favorite stars. Sure, it sounds like a gag (although an inspired one), but their FAQ claims that they're real, and no website with a FAQ can possibly be a put-on:

How do you/I know these specimens from the listed celebrity?
 All our specimens are tested by experienced body-fluid identification technicians at the Allamas Biological Research Facility in Greeley Colorado and cross-referenced hospital birth records and blood analysis from the Red Cross. As a last resort, we will attempt to verify our specimens by comparing our test results to various body-fluid tests conducted during periods of the individual’s incarceration, if available. Each specimen comes with a certificate of authenticity. We ensure our customers will receive a quality product.

If you don't mind ponying up $27 for a certificate of authenticity and a bag full of scat that may or may not have traveled through Jack Black's alimentary canal, this is the deal of a lifetime. Unfortunately, no matter how many times we click the "Add to Cart" button, nothing happens. Sigh. If we want a culture of Robert Downey Jr's skin cells, we suppose that we're going to have to wait for him to pass out in our backyard and then swab the inside of his cheek ourselves.