In this edition: We're pretty sure it's Matt fucking Drudge, Usher, Alec Baldwin, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gisele Bundchen, Brandon Davis, Anderson Cooper, Robin WIlliams, Kevin Bacon, Jules Asner, Steven Soderbergh, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Peter Sarsgaard, Julianne Moore, Chloe Sevigny, Rebecca Romijn, Jerry O'Connell, Michael Imperioli, Julianna Margulies, Sophie Dahl, Joe Pantoliano, Jason Binn, Haley Lieberman, Lizzie Grubman, Jonathan Cheban, Hank Azaria, Jennifer Hall, Parker Posey, Joshua Jackson, Rodney Rothman, Howard Stern, Cam'ron, Joshua Homme, Brody Dalle, Molly Ringwald, Mary Stuar Masterson, Julie Bowen, Scott Foley, Malcolm Gladwell, Emmy Rossum, Patti Hansen, Roger Bart

According to The Guardian's media section (registration required), Ryan Parry, the Daily Mirror reporter who made headlines in 2003 when he famously infiltrated Buckingham Palace and Windsor, and took pictures of the Queen's breakfast table, which included cereal kept in Tupperware boxes, will be coming to our fair city as that paper's New York correspondent. (Because what this town really needs is another British journalist.) As a special welcome to our newest resident, we'd like you to suggest a few locations Mr. Parry might like to infiltrate here in town. (Bear in mind that no one wants to see photos of the Mayor's throw pillows.) Send your suggestions to tips@gawker.com and we'll print the best ones at the end of the day. The winners receive the satisfaction of knowing that they've helped me meet my post quota as I run out the clock on my increasingly tiresome tenure here. Thanks! AB

· Tara Reid finally admits that she is who she is, and thus finds her calling as the newest bikini-clad host of the E! network's boozy travel show, Wild On. Relatedly, all is now right in the universe. [Page Six]
· Continuing with America's Favorite Charade, Tom Cruise will help his "girlfriend" (choke) Katie Holmes prepare for her role as Edie Sedgwick in Factory Girl. [R&M]
· Barbara Walters and The View outsmart disruptive PETA protesters by taping Jennifer Lopez's appearance on the show a week in advance. So, so sly, those girls. [Lowdown]

An earnest thanks to this week's sponsors, who keep our fluoxetine and Provigil supply well-stocked. Interested in helping us self-medicate? More info here.

Born in England, I came to New York to escape mother. Was ever a sentence crafted that was both so evocative and indicative of its writer s profession? Yes, kids, the author in question could only be a theater critic. It s The Observer s John Heilpern, and this week he takes on his former countrymen, three of whom are currently represented in New York by classic American plays they ve directed: Anthony Page withWho s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?, David Leveaux with The Glass Menagerie and Edward Hall with A Streetcar Named Desire. (For what it s worth, we caught Streetcar the other night and, in the words of a classic New Yorker cartoon, just getting the hell out of there was worth the price of admission. Hall s dereliction of directorial duty started the moment he neglected to purchase a membership at Crunch for John C. Reilly.) Heilpern claims that Broadway is in thrall to Anglophilia and suffers from an insecurity about its own past, and avers that If the American theater has any future, it will come from nurturing exciting young American talent not from imports. Strong words that should be followed by immediate action: Where s the revival of Good Vibrations already? AB

Late yesterday afternoon, a 97-year-old retaining wall collapsed on the Hudson Parkway, harming no one but inconviencing hundreds of nannies eager to get home from a hard day's work on Riverside Drive. Longtime residents of neighborhood were suitably rocked by the events:

· A Columbia MFA reunion: more like a "torturous skull-fuck" or a "sabre-tipped colorectal exam?" [Robin and Renee]
· Give a blogger LexisNexis, and they'll change the goddamned world. [Another Useless Fact]
· Helen Gurley-Brown attends an ancient fossils show; bad comedians relieved to have monologue material. [Corsair]
· Fun with outdated Will Ferrell posters! [City Rag]

A reader reports on last night's art auction at Christie's, where botoxed billionaires with paddles reigned supreme:

These were the "search movers" on MSN.com (scroll down to the bottom of the page*) about fifteen minutes ago. Since the internet is always a little bit ahead of the news curve, we expect a shocking announcement about Osama bin Laden's knocking-up by Ben Affleck (God, that guy is potent!) or his totally unconvincing relationship with Tom Cruise (God, that guy will do anything for publicity!).

· The Fifth Annual Bicycle Film Festival rolls into town tonight (oh stop it, everyone loves a lame pun) at the Anthology Film Archives. Blonde Redhead performs there tonight, Blockhead tomorrow. We're not sure what either has to do with two-wheeled transport devices, but we'll take it. [flavorpill]
· Love 'em or hate 'em, Fischerspooner play Canal Room tonight. [Upcoming]
· Recently married "pop culture critic" and "novelist" Touré (quotations intentional for whatever reason) interviews Joyce Carol Oates. It's so crazy, it just might work! [TONY]

Pardon us for bowing down before the altar of Craiglist so soon after it yielded such a wonderful nugget, but circumstances demand that we prostrate ourselves this morning;

· If there's such a place as hell, publicist Jonathan Cheban and his alleged lover, reality twig Brittny Gastineau, will hold court from a gilded raft floating along the river Styx. [Lowdown]
· Supermodel Maggie Rizer finally files suit against her stepfather, who gambled and drank away $3.5 million of her earnings. Rizer, however, is suing for $24 million — a fine example of model mathematics. [Page Six]
· If they report on the William Morris suit against the Post, will the Daily News will be served papers, too? [R&M (2nd item)]
· Jeanette Walls takes the bait, reports that Radar reports that J.Lo is a diva when it comes to her own documentary. Follow that? [Scoop]

[Sorry, been waiting to write that hed since last night. It won't happen again.]

Finally, someone posts a Craiglist housing listing that we can really get behind:

Somewhere, Frank Sinatra is rolling over in his grave: The Politicker has obtained an exclusive copy of the new NYC anthem (no, it's not anything from the Geto Boys). Composed by Frank Wildhorn with creative — nay, genius — lyrics by Jack Murphy, this one is destined to find its way into your iPod's heart:

· David Cross, Jonathan Ames and others discuss hating their fathers, loving their mothers, and other such hipster familial issues at Topic mag's "Family Roundtable" discussion. [flavorpill]
· Actors read the works of John Updike and John Edgar Wideman as part of Symphony Space's "Selected Shorts" series. We're as excited as you, we're just better at containing ourselves. [Paper]
· Pitchfork darlings Built to Spill play Irving Plaza tonight. Pitchfork whipping boys Weezer play Roseland. Time to pick sides. [Upcoming 2x]

Sightings are sent in by readers and other assorted guttersnipes; send yours to tips@gawker.com.

In an attempt to be more than just the pasty white guy in the race, mayoral hopeful Gifford Miller tells The Times' Nicholas Confessore about his Lucy-like desire to be in the show. I've always liked singing," says the City Council speaker. "It finally struck me that if I could find some captive - and uncritical - audiences, I could indulge myself a little more." To that end, Miller, who says his eclectic musical tastes run the gamut from Bob Marley to Neil Diamond (black vote, check; Jewish vote, check), has been performing his little heart out on the campaign trail. Reviews in the paper seem positive, but we wanted a more professional appraisal. After the jump, our hastily-assembled panel of experts weighs in on the singing speaker's performance. AB

Hipper-than-thou restaurant/club proprietress Amy Sacco is ratcheting up her campaign to terrorize Chelsea with her not-yet-opened eatery on West 23rd Street, Bette Restaurant. (To recap: Bette is housed within the thoroughly fabulous London Terrace complex home to Annie Leibovitz, Chelsea Clinton, and others and several months ago her contractors managed to blow out the gas to the entire building at 465 West 23rd.)

An earth-shattering discovery from Sinai on 43rd reveals that which we've long known, as exemplified by the following: