AAA ranked the expected worst spots for holiday traffic this weekend, and, shockingly, Portland came in tops. (We didn't even know they drive to vacation spots out there; we always thought it was just one big REI-clad hike.) It's bad enough that New York doesn't come in first — have these people never seen the Midtown Tunnel on a summer weekend? — but it gets even worse. Both the Jersey Shore and the Catskills make the top ten, and the Island — which rightfully should be the best in all forms of summering, from cleanest beaches to fanciest restaurants to $90 million teardowns to even traffic — isn't on the list at all.

Early yesterday, we mentioned Tricia Romano's report that Norman Siegal and Paul Chevigny had filed suit on behalf of several plaintiffs regarding the cabaret laws. As a former head of the NY Civil Liberties Union, Siegal's involvement with the case comes as no surprise, but what of NYU law professor Paul Chevigny? According to a reader, Chevigny's interest in arguing the cabaret crackdown is a bit more personal:

A: Her Tivo failed to record Newlyweds.
B: A reporter asked her what it was like to work with Johnny Knoxville.
C: Someone has just explained to her the concept of gravity.
D: Her daddy threatened to never again love her in that special way.
E: She realized that she forgot to fully inhale and wipe her freaking nose before heading out.

You thought Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown had a difficult relationship? Oh no, it turns out, not at all. In fact, they're about as close as two people can be, as we learn from the back-page Q&A in this week's Time Out:

...and polish your prose, because your chances of scoring that book deal based on your ilovecats.blogspot project are growing increasingly tangible. A new UK publishing house called The Friday Project is looking for web content that will easily translate into old fashioned ink and paper:

• You know you want to see the photos of people getting caught having sex in cars. Go ahead, click the link, your boss isn't looking. [Curious Jorge via cityrag]
• Guess who got over a million dollars to pose on the cover of Playgirl? Not you, hotshot. [fourfour]
• Instead of falling asleep while reading the New Yorker, you can now fall asleep to the sound of the New Yorker. How mod and ultimately dreadful. [emdashes]
• If you're wondering why A.O. Scott finds War of the Worlds at least mildly entertaining, it's because Jersey is the first victim of the apocalypse. [NYT]

• Was the BTK killer hiding in plain sight all those years, hosting a national TV show right in our central-Village midst? [Blottered]
• And, while we're at it, what do Jessica Cutler and Judy Miller have in common, beyond a fondness for wildly fantastical stories? [The Local]
• Mary Kate and Ashley, free for the taking. [Verbose Coma]
• The Tom Cruise-meets-APA mashup. [The Muk Report]

• Check out David Byrne in all his big-suited glory at Washington Square Park tonight, where Jonathan Demme's 1984 classic, "Stop Making Sense," screens. It's free, too, so you only have to spend your dollars on the prerequisite weed. [WSPC]
• Check out David Byrne in all his quirky on-stage glory at Central Park's Summerstage tonight, where he performs with the Tosca Strings. Unlike the above version, though, this one will set you back 40 big ones. [CP]
• Looking for your do-gooder action of the day? Head on over to the Virgin Megastore in Union Square, where Billy Corgan and Mark Knopfler (tentatively) and the Swedes, the Heavenly States, and Head Automatica (definitely) perform to bring awarness to world poverty. Attendees can even buy $1 wristbands and sign a "personal commitment declaration," because both of those will totally bring the kiddos in Darfur Big Macs and chocolate shakes. [Paper]

Battle evil Koopa Troopas through 8 exciting Operating Thetan levels; with just a slip of your right hand, you can rescue Katie Holmes!

You know what we're tired of? Decorating our apartments like plebs. How much longer are we to tolerate the half-assed vases from Pottery Barn and wall-hangings procured from Bed, Bath & Beyond? The banality of it all is killing us. We need an alternative.

Two Norwegian 20-somethings reported being robbed at knifepoint in Central Park at about 11:30 Monday night. New York's Finest sprung to action — searching the park along with the two victims, showing them mug shots, and, the next morning, following up at the hostel where they were staying.

Meet American Apparel's newest model, Plywood. Plywood won a wet t-shirt contest in Montreal, so we decided to bring it here to New York. You can find Plywood at our store on the corner of Houston and Orchard, where someone hurled a trash can through our window yesterday at 4:30 AM. Not only is Plywood being put to good use, but it's also dating our founder, Dov Charney. Stop by and see Plywood make out with Dov, plus check out our new sheer jersey tees and the rest of our vertically integrated, sweat-shop free collection.

She was up in New York, not in her usual D.C. comfort zone, and she was talking about quixotic Olympic bids, not quixotic war efforts. But it's remarkable how natural Condi looks in this photo. You'd almost think she has lots of experience giving brief speeches under the watchful gaze of a mostly empty-headed wannabe jock with an inexplicably optimistic grin permanently affixed to his face.

• If Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise do try to breed, don't worry — chances are, the Scientology handlers will urge Holmes to have an abortion. Phew. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan reportedly collapses at an LA gym, but don't be so quick to judge. Snorting and starving takes a lot of energy, you know. [Ananova]
• When Britney Spears poops out her Federletus, it will be in a very posh Arizona room with lots of roses. As if Bit Bit would have it any other way! [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Former rap video groupie Karrine Steffan's tell-all tells you more than you really want to know. Do we really need the details of Shaq's package? [R&M]
• Poor Lauren Bush, despite being a few hours away from her 21st birthday, is denied entry into boozy Bowlmor Lanes and silently curses alcoholic cousins for ruining everything. [Page Six]
• ODB's widow throws legal threats at Damon Dash, who plans on using the late rapper's initials on a line of sneakers. Inexplicably, this update has been brought to you by Lloyd Grove and his porcelain sidekick, Hud Morgan. [Lowdown]

Those crafty Israelis who now own the Plaza announced specifc plans for the landmark hotel yesterday, according to a report in the Times:

With nary a parent in sight, young Pogo Boy bounces to the tune of pocket change donations being tossed into his cigar box. Last night the enterprising young lad hit Union Square, but we have no idea if (a) he beat his record of 90 minutes of consecutive pogo-ing; or (b) Pogo Boy is a sad case of socioeconomic injustice or just a strange UES kid looking for a hobby.

It's maybe, possibly, potentially, finally settled. Pataki, Bloomberg, developer Larry Silverstein, Silverstein architect David Childs, and poor, sad, forsaken, erstwhile WTC master planner Daniel Libeskind will announce today a new design for Freedom Tower, the dramatic, off-center, 1,776-foot tall tower that was the centerpiece of Libeskind's rebuilding plan but is now neither dramatic, off-center, nor resembling Libeskind's design. But it gives Silverstein all the office space he wants — not that he's been able to rent anything in 7 WTC, next door — it makes the NYPD happy, and it looks an awful lot the buildings that fell four years ago.

So we missed the first episode of NBC's latest reality show, I Want to be a Hilton — but, much like you, we didn't give a flying fuck about Kathy Hilton's haphazard attempts to make a name for herself through the same patented whoring as perfected by her daughters. Then we realized: Hey, this is a Hilton-branded abortion, and we owe everyone some coverage. So last night we grabbed Intern Rachel, tied her to a chair, and forced her to eat satan on a stick (er, watch the show). After the jump, she journeys down the rabbit hole of Hilton and finds that, much like other Hilton holes, it's an absolute mess.

According to Voice pixie Tricia Romano, NYU law prof Paul Chevigny and former NY Civil Liberties Union head Normal Siegal spent last Thursday being unquestionably awesome, having filed suit on behalf of a gaggle of plaintiffs regarding our city's highly retarded cabaret laws. Eager to bring the jitterbug room back to Applebee's, the two attorneys have served papers to the Department of Consumer Affairs; the Department of Buildings; the City Planning Commission, responsible for enforcing zoning restrictions; and the City of New York.

• Hey, Tom Cruise, you gonna go and call Matt Lauer glib and irresponsible? Yeah, well, the American Psychiatric Association thinks you're the irresponsible one! Nah nah nah nah! [USNewsWire]
• And just a drop more of Scientology, for those of you who are extra thirsty today. [TONY]
• Now officially illegal on subways: Walking between cars, putting feet on seats, or drinking coffee or soda. Soon also illegal: Not standing up straight, failing to wear a sweater when you might catch cold, or speaking without first raising your hand. [NYT]
• Note to Voice gossip queen Michael Musto: You are not "displeasurable" to the eye. Look in the mirror: YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL MAN. [VV]
• Get excited, people, 'cause this weekend is the Cycle Messenger World Championships. Blood in the streets is practically guaranteed. [NYBMA]