• Last night was the first reading of Martha! The Unauthorized Musical, which featured "a lot of good things" and songs that "take pot shots at Enron executives, the SEC, New Jersey, Connecticut and a number of races and religions." [NewYorkology]
• In New York, you're never too young to be a media critic. [Tales of the Cupcake Mafia via FishbowlNY]
• Getting tired of Lindsay Lohan? The Politicker nominates Al Sharpton — and how could you be tired of him?) as her replacement. [The Politicker]

• Shove your mouth full of chewing gum and head to the ever-hip Hiro Ballroom to check out Scandinavian pop queen Annie. An early survey of Gays suggests that she may be the heir to Kylie Minogue's throne. [flavorpill]
• It's okay, we know you secretly want to get your tits signed by Washingtonienne author Jessica Cutler. Get to Barnes & Noble tonight and live the dream. [Upcoming]
• What are we talking about? Obviously there's only one thing to do tonight, and it involves a little lady named Pat Benatar. Lucky for you, current fashion trends perfectly compliment with Benatar's style. [BB King]

Sightings are sent in by readers and fact-checked by your mom. Send yours to tips@gawker.com.

Salon.com's second installment of its four-part series on Scientology turns to the pseudo-science of book reviewing, as the online magazine utilizes suppressive critic Laura Miller's spurious lit-tech to impugn the literary merits of the Church's sacred tome: (Note: you may have to watch an ad to read the review.)

No, that is NOT what we meant. We would never say such a thing! Shame on you, Googlebots.

• Rap diva Eve is none too pleased about the internet leak of an old sex tape — which we saw here (thanks to the perv next door, all so NSFW), but didn't mention because, really, who cares about Eve? Well, maybe you do now, pervs. [R&M]
• Once Russell Crowe's phone finished attacking a Mercer Hotel employee, his vase jumped in on the action. That poor guy just can't catch a peaceful tchotchke. [Page Six]
• Of course Angelina Jolie is carrying Brad Pitt's lovechild. We're just surprised it took this long for the finger-pointing. [Page Six]
• Did VP Dick Cheney receive cardiac treatment in Colorado, or is Arianna Huffington guilty of wishful thinking? [Lowdown]

When you feel like your favorite celebrities' lives are spinning out of control and you're looking for something to hold on to, something with meaning, do what our favorite celebublogger Rosie O'Donnell does and turn to art.

You, precious reader, make us damn proud. Yep, we're being sincere. Yesterday we posted some tough blind items but, by the day's end, we'd yet to receive enough of a response to run your guesses. And so, from deep within the bleak cloud of our resulting depression, we scolded you for not being more proactive. Regrettably, we were a bit angry with you, going so far as to demand more reader interaction before we'd even consider revealing the suggested answers. We were cruel, cold, and unkind.

Only eight days left till the host city is chosen for the 2012 Olympics, and the NYC bid committee wants to make sure no one here at home is left out of the fun while the final presentations are being made in Asia next Wednesday night.

You've seen the book countless times — during commercials on daytime TV when you stayed home from school as a kid, in enormous displays in weird bookstores, alongside the strange people offering free stress tests as you change from the N/R to the 2/3 in the Times Square subway station. You know it spawned a religion. You know it turned Tom Cruise crazy. But have you ever actually read L. Ron Hubbard's masterpiece, Dianetics? Of course not. So in our current Scientology-infused era, Salon's Laura Miller gamely took one for the team.

Have you made plans for July 20 yet? If you were considering participating in the Central Park Run to Save CBGBs (sponsored by Nike, oddly enough), you might want to save your energy for something more effective:

The New Yorker's Ben McGrath checks in with cabdrivers for this week's issue, and he reports that cabbies would prefer that you not:

Despite our constant berating, a few publicists continue to send us press releases — gluttons for punishment, perhaps? Fine by us; something's gotta line the litterbox, after all. Plus those releases keep us in the know. But in the past 24 hours we've received one press release so inscrutable, so sicable, that we have to sit back in awe and admire the mad genius. We're reprinting the following example word for word, typo for typo, ellipses for ellipses:

• You complain if they're too easy, but if they're too hard you just wuss out. Because your silence is deafening, we're not running your guesses to today's blind items until you put on your goddamn thinking caps and get creative. So there!
• The Gaydar debate prances along. [NYT]
• Oh, the beautiful colors: The Gay Pride parade and its shiny, Coney Island sister. [Flickr]
• Everyone owes Oprah an apology. [Mr. Sun]
• An overly intellectual analysis of poop and its artistic qualities. [n+1]

We're just gonna quote this one, because paraphrasing wouldn't do this young man justice:

• Multi-talented, multi-named rapper/producer Madlib headlines the Stones Throw Records Tour at Irving Plaza tonight. Time to cast aside your self-imposed ban on marijuana, stoner. [flavorpill]
• Ted Leo and his merry band of Pharmacists make their way to indie enclave Maxwell's in Hoboken tonight. Stop complaining about the distance—it's just as far as Brooklyn. [Upcoming]
• We're not quite sure how the new Michael Ian Black comedy vehicle Stella will fare in its censored form on Comedy Central, but you can see for yourself tonight at Anthology Film Archives, which hosts a screening as well as a Q and A with the cast. [Stella]

• It's even worse than showing up on an Urban Outfitters t-shirt: Old Navy has introduced a "Williamsburg" t-shirt. [Andy's Chest]
• You think cyberstalking is easy? Lovely Lindsay would beg to differ. [Lindsayism.com]
• And we were always told the gays were such neat people. [The Tin Man]
• With so many people visiting the High Line now, why even bothering making it into a real park? [Verbose Coma]

Remarkably, there was no new news all week last week about new stadiums in New York City. But the NYC2012 people are making sure that this week won't be left similarly stadiumless. Exciting, yes? Um, no.

In honor of Tom Cruise's burgeoning retardation, Salon has published the first of a four-part series on Scientology's rising star. As it turns out, Tom Cruise is not reacting to the madness that comes from years of repression — rather, he's just happy about his climb up the Scientology ladder:

Click for the enlarged, aesthetically perfect, real-life interpretation.