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So we missed the first episode of NBC's latest reality show, I Want to be a Hilton — but, much like you, we didn't give a flying fuck about Kathy Hilton's haphazard attempts to make a name for herself through the same patented whoring as perfected by her daughters. Then we realized: Hey, this is a Hilton-branded abortion, and we owe everyone some coverage. So last night we grabbed Intern Rachel, tied her to a chair, and forced her to eat satan on a stick (er, watch the show). After the jump, she journeys down the rabbit hole of Hilton and finds that, much like other Hilton holes, it's an absolute mess.

I've just turned on the television and there's one thought in my mind: This theme song is going to kill me. Must find a happy place...

In case you cared, here are some Cliff s Notes: 14 contestants from around the country divided into to teams, Park and Madison, all from low-paying jobs, caddies, bartenders, fashion student, ranch hand, waiter, all decidedly low-class as declared by NBC, all vying via etiquette and other nifty "challenges" for a chance to "live like a Hilton." To NBC, this means winning a measly 250K (approximately Kathy s net worth without Rick or Paris). As they jump through the producer s hoops, contestants are voted off the island by The Mother of All Socialites (have to credit NBC with that one).

Last night s episode dealt with the challenge of an A-List charity event in the only place where such events are held, the Hamptons. Team Madison (the one with the 1st elimination) is already not feeling much love, as they are recovering from the loss of their first casualty: Alain, a perfume salesman from LA. The "who's next" syndrome is starting to set in. Yeah, life sucks. Especially if you re named Alain. Team Park, however, is doing the happy-dance. Probably because, for once, they aren't hungry.

Latricia (from Inglewood, CA): "I honestly didn't know what the Hamptons were. I thought it was somebody's house, maybe one of Kathy's friends. Hilton, Hampton, you know." Yeah, we know.

At 9:06 I realize that this is the single most boring reality show in history. These two teams just took a ride in a helicopter. To the Hamptons. To watch polo.

Some gems from our motley crew:
Vanessa the bartender: "If I want to win this, the only person I have to depend on is me.
"Ditzi Niki," the fashion student: "I wanna be a Hilton because when I think of high society, I think of people that dress fabulous from head to toe 24 hours, seven days a week
Rashad: I'm waiting to see what kind of opportunity this can present. I wanna make somethin better for myself and my life and I hope to accomplish that. Oh, Rashad, don t be so heartfelt.

Cut to Kathy's house in the Hamptons, where Tinkerbell comes out for a ritual petting. Hilton tells the group they will be organizing a charity event to raise money for breast cancer but, more importantly, the team that makes the most money wins the challenge. Team Madison surprisingly chooses much better items to auction off, including watches from Paris and Nicky, Nicky's Sweet 16 dress, and The First Bag Nicky Ever Designed. The ensuring drama makes this the caveman's Apprentice: The teams argue/fight in getting things organized, but they insult your mom instead of your idea.

Paris and Nicky arrive in a white Hummer (seriously) to encourage the teams to dress better and sell their asses off and whisk them away to a club in the area to "network" before the party. This is where I got up and went to the bathroom.

Post-flush: Team Park wins the challenge and is rewarded with an opulent lobster dinner on a secluded beach prepared by the Clam Man. Budget much?

Meanwhile Team Madison goes back to the Manhattan residence to find out who gets sent home. Due to picking up one too many women at the "networking party" our fair Johnny from Queens, NY (which we don't believe it; he s gotta be Bay Ridge) gets the socialite blackball and goes the 6 miles back home.

Next week: Don t bother watching. If anyone bears the brunt of this national tragedy, it s going to be me.