• Ben Affleck marries Jennifer Garner, who's carrying his ripe spawn. Somewhere, Jennifer Lopez weeps and forces Marc Anthony to impregnate her nownownow.
• The Village Voice union readies itself for a strike and a shitstorm, as management continues to suck.
• If an apartment is too good to be true... yeah, you know the rest.
• Time magazine finally completes its spectacularly uninspiring graffiti marketing project.
• Inside the dramatic world of the New Yorker's softball team, second place is the first loser. (Yep, we just referenced a "No Fear" t-shirt. Sue us.)
• If there's a Santa Claus, he's putting a Kurt Andersen action figure in our stocking. Yeah, we plan far ahead.
• CNN discovers the Internet, thinks it's gonna be pretty big.
• NYC's brave freedom fighters head to court to fight the cabaret laws. There's only one way to settle this, and you know it involves a dance-off.
• Sweat sells men's magazines, but God knows it sure doesn't go into the making of 'em.

• We know that every time we write about Road Rules alum-cum-lad mag layoff Jake Bronstein, we encourage him — and that's not necessarily a good thing. Nevertheless, when a man makes dildos perfectly molded in the likeness of his own unit, we owe it to "the people" to provide coverage. And, if you just can't get enough, buy the damn things yourself. [TMI, debatably NSFW]
• Today in Gay: HomoToys, at last! [The Cool Hunter]
• Okay, maybe there's room for a little more Gay, especially when it's regarding an online asscrack competition. [Proceed at Your Own Risk]
• David Cross bears his soul, reveals plans to open a performance space on Orchard Street. Hipster stalking to follow shortly thereafter. [Bob and David]
• Feed Lindsay Lohan, because homegirl needs the carbs. [FeedLindsay]

Found today on — where else? — Craiglist:

Thanks to this week's sponsors, whose tip-jar contributions will help us pay Jerry Della Femina's fireworks fines. Interested in joining our explosively good times? More info here.

Friday:
• Throw on some beat-up Chuck Taylors and your favorite Dashiki — Afro-Punk weekend kicks off tonight with a screening of James Spooner's documentary at BAM, and culminates on Sunday at an all-day Brooklyn block party. [flavorpill]
• Everyone loves the nostalgia associated with fireworks. Everyone loves the nostalgia associated with Coney Island. Put 'em together and you have, well, a nostalgia-filled evening of fireworks at Coney Island. [Paper]
Saturday:
• Everyone too poor to be drinking beer and eating burgers in the Hamptons will probably be doing so at P.S.1 out in Long Island City, where Warm Up 2005 kicks out with beats from DJ Harvey, Groove Collective, and Projections' Simon James. Sounds like more fun than the Star Room anyhow. [flavorpill]
• Just cause it's the 4th of July weekend doesn't mean you have to spend the entire time inebriated, drunky. Go get historically edumacated at the Cathedral of St. John Divine, starting point for the tour "Power, Presidents, and Peace: A Spotlight on American History." [ToNY]
Sunday:
• If you're not out of town by now, stop reading immediately and leave. LEAVE!

This has nothing specifically to do with New York or media, but they tell us it's a big deal anyway: Sandra Day O'Connor just announced she's retiring from the Supreme Court.

It's good to know that New York's rent-stabilization system continues to work just as marvelously as it always has (or, at least, as it has in recent years). After nearly 10 years of litigation, the New York State Court of Appeals, the state's top court, issued a ruling yesterday that effectively sets rent for Lauper and her husband at $988.56 a month. For a four-room apartment. In the Apthorp. Which is arguably New York's nicest, fanciest, and most elegant rental building.

On Wednesday, we alerted the masses to one Pogo Boy, who spends his days bouncing about Union Square in hopes of breaking his 90-minute pogo record and securing a few dollars from onlookers. We weren't sure if Pogo Boy was just some bored kid or a starving street urchin but, thanks to our attention, Mother of Pogo Boy has stepped forward:

• Vicious supermodel Naomi Campbell hooks up with hyper-rich financier Teddy Forstmann, which should last about as long as it takes for her to beat the shit out of him with his own gold bricks. [Page Six]
• To the lady who pelted poptard Aaron Carter with a used tampon: You rock. [Lowdown (2nd item)]
• According to WWD, American Apparel founder Dov Charney is being sued for sexual harassment by three former employees. Apparently, they don't like to fuck the photographer, putting them in direct conflict with company procedures. [Page Six]
• At this point, we're slightly disappointed that Michael Jackson has taken his post-trial retreat somewhere as normal as Bahrain. [R&M]

• Because Thursday is Gayday, let's all take a moment to ponder what life would be like were we so lucky as to have spent our youth fellating rainbow-colored cocks. [NYT]
• Editor & Publisher names 10 newspapers that do things "right." We think that number's a little high, don't you? [E&P]
• Your prayers have been answered: Prada will launch a denim for everyone on Canal Street to knock off. [Men.Style.Com]
• Court clerk busted for dealing pot in the courthouse. Dude. If only we'd known, jury duty would have been so much more fun. [NYP]
• Salon channels its inner Jennifer 8. and coins a new quasi-metrosexual term: "Smoothies." They're middle American dudes who wax their bodies, highlight their hair, get fake tans, and watch sports and sleep with chicks. Except, of course, when they're sleeping with each other. [Salon]

When it's a been a long night, and you're too drunk and too high, and you realize you spent much too much money, and the fucking F train isn't coming, and you realize you forgot to even grab a free paper so you'd have something to read while you're waiting, and you start to have one of those 4 a.m. existential crises about why you're living that way, and why you're living here, and whether you'll ever accomplish anything or meet anyone or make your life have any worth or value, the only way to maybe ward off your incipient depression is to whip out cell phone and play one of the stupid little phone videogames as a way to distract yourself.

• Find out what David Cross thinks is funny Iirony! Sarcasm! racial slurs written on steamed-up LES bar windows!) during "Inside Joke," Carl Arnheiter's exploration into the craft of comedy at the UCB Theater tonight. [UCB]
• New York indie rock manual The Deli celebrates the release of their third issue with performances by Nicole Atkins and Sylvie Lewis, among others, at Tonic. And yes, pretending to have heard of these performers ups your indie cred by at least 20% or 3 cans of Pabst. [flavorpill]
• Scott Blakeman (the Jew) and Dean Obeidallah (the Palestinian) perform "The Two-Comedian Solution to Middle East Peace," their critically acclaimed stand-up show, at Makor tonight. Evidently, the whole "Bombs Away!" solution isn't working out so hot. [92Y]

• To stalk or not to stalk: Paul Auster in Park Slope. [Only the Blog Knows Brooklyn via Curbed]
• Start digging out all your Helvetica and Times New Roman and burning it like the chametz it is: July 18-24 will be Type Week in New York City, and you don't want to be seen with such pedestrian fonts. [Unbeige]
• We're kind of happy Jeff Jarvis's new Dell is so fucked up. Because it's hella fun to watch him act out all our customer-service revenge fantasies. [BuzzMachine]

Ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod, the unthinkable has happened: Ben Affleck has officially tied Jennifer Garner to his falling star, as the two exchanged matrimonial vows last evening on what we're sure was a very lovely, very exclusive, and very "perfect" beach in Turks and Caicos. The National Enquirer reports that Garner's Alias co-star Victor Garber was present, along with... Yeah, just Victor Garber. If he plays her father on tv, he's certainly good enough to roll Garner's pregnant mass down the Caribbean aisle.

Our penniless little brother sends us word from his cage in Vegas that he has, yet again, tried his hands at what he likes to call "cultural oddsmaking." Recruiting some jackanapes from Yankee Pot Roast, Oddjack tackles the odds on anything and everything regarding this weekend's Live 8 concerts:

Yes. We know. Your friend's friend's friend just got back from L.A., where he/she heard the following juicy details:

You know what's awesome? When you can justify a self-promoting rehash of your favorite early 1980s dance moves as an exercise in the interpretation of popular culture and theories of shared memory. Not unlike your senior thesis on the Caine-Hackman theory, choreographer Erin McMonagle is using her community drop-in "Beat It" classes as a socio-intellectual attempt at, um, teaching all of the dance moves from Michael Jackson's 1983 video to anyone interested.

Why does Malibu's Carbon Beach attract Hollywood mogul residents like David Geffen and Jeffrey Katzenberg, and renters willing to drop a hundred grand a month on summer rent? No, it's not because the 'Bu's breathtaking vistas make a fine backdrop for lazy days of crumpling up unacceptably wrinkly hundred dollar bills and pitching them into the Pacific. Forbes has the answer:

We know our readers. You're the wild-eyed, drunken, obsessive types — just like us, really, which is exactly why we all get along so well. We also know that some of you more wild-eyed, more drunken, more obsessive readers treat Gawker Stalker like it's the best Mexican black tar money can buy. Never wanting to unfairly send you to the methadone clinic, we've decided it's time Gawker Stalker got the "best of" treatment. So we'll attempt to compile a handful of the most interesting, ludicrious, power-heavy, and just plain random sightings from the 500 or so we run every month.

• ABC has allegedly met with Ellen DeGeneres about taking over for Ted Koppel when he retires from Nightline this December. In related news, Rosie O'Donnell has signed on as the permanent anchor for the CBS Evening News. [Page Six]
• Octogenarian novelest Norman Mailer hates on Asian women — unless, of course, they're the ones on those public access commercials. Those girls are fine. [Lowdown]
• Christian group "The Resistance" is asking Jessica Simpson to apologize for her sinfully skanky video for These Boots are Made for Walking. The group also derides MTV for "celebrating the homosexual agenda," thus missing the big red target on the Logo channel. [Page Six]
• Tom Cruise says he believes in aliens, which comes as a major shock to all Amish living in spider holes. [R&M (2nd item)]