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• If Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise do try to breed, don't worry — chances are, the Scientology handlers will urge Holmes to have an abortion. Phew. [Page Six]
• Lindsay Lohan reportedly collapses at an LA gym, but don't be so quick to judge. Snorting and starving takes a lot of energy, you know. [Ananova]
• When Britney Spears poops out her Federletus, it will be in a very posh Arizona room with lots of roses. As if Bit Bit would have it any other way! [Scoop (2nd item)]
• Former rap video groupie Karrine Steffan's tell-all tells you more than you really want to know. Do we really need the details of Shaq's package? [R&M]
• Poor Lauren Bush, despite being a few hours away from her 21st birthday, is denied entry into boozy Bowlmor Lanes and silently curses alcoholic cousins for ruining everything. [Page Six]
• ODB's widow throws legal threats at Damon Dash, who plans on using the late rapper's initials on a line of sneakers. Inexplicably, this update has been brought to you by Lloyd Grove and his porcelain sidekick, Hud Morgan. [Lowdown]