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• Ben Affleck marries Jennifer Garner, who's carrying his ripe spawn. Somewhere, Jennifer Lopez weeps and forces Marc Anthony to impregnate her nownownow.
• The Village Voice union readies itself for a strike and a shitstorm, as management continues to suck.
• If an apartment is too good to be true... yeah, you know the rest.
• Time magazine finally completes its spectacularly uninspiring graffiti marketing project.
• Inside the dramatic world of the New Yorker's softball team, second place is the first loser. (Yep, we just referenced a "No Fear" t-shirt. Sue us.)
• If there's a Santa Claus, he's putting a Kurt Andersen action figure in our stocking. Yeah, we plan far ahead.
• CNN discovers the Internet, thinks it's gonna be pretty big.
• NYC's brave freedom fighters head to court to fight the cabaret laws. There's only one way to settle this, and you know it involves a dance-off.
• Sweat sells men's magazines, but God knows it sure doesn't go into the making of 'em.

And, on that note, we're off to procure illegal fireworks so as maim ourselves all the more effectively. See you Tuesday. Happy birthday, America, and may you not destroy yourself for another year!